The work is piling up. I have two midterms next week. I have to read like 400 pages from a philosophy book. I've kept up with the reading for Western Civilization but I still have to study. I probably shouldn't have skipped class today... but I was cold. And tired. And uncomfortable.

I also have a report due next week on... The Lost Generation? I don't know, something to do with Modern Fiction. I haven't researched it yet.

And I have a poem to do for Creative Writing. I'd already written it but I didn't like the voice and now I've written two more but I still don't like the voice. So I'm going to try to write a fourth and get what I want.

Meanwhile, I keep dreaming about John. Three nights in a row. Two of them had Lyla in it. Not my favorite thing to wake up to. He informed me last night that when we got close during the summer, his feelings for me were pretty much just passion and lust, and he was objectifying me.

Yeah, thanks, I knew that. I told him he was using me for sex, but he denied it. And I also suspected that it had something to do with my beauty. You know how it's fascinating to be with a beautiful woman, just once. Just because beauty is so fantastic and alluring? You don't care who, you only care what they look like.

I think a lot of people want to experience such near perfection. Like sleeping with a god, and beauty is definitely revered in our culture.

I didn't say anything back then because this would be implying that I'm a beautiful woman, in a generic way. Which, I'm probably not. I'm pretty and cute, and people like my looks. But I don't have that general gorgeousness. Too many quirks, in my opinion.

However, for John, I'm thin, blonde and beautiful and until last summer I was out of his reach. He didn't think he could ever get with me. So I think he wanted to get with me for just that reason. And he did. He didn't want to date me or love me, he kept choosing Lyla, but he took the opportunity to kiss me and touch me regardless.

The second awful thing he said last night was that he's smoking weed. And that disappoints me. It disappoints me because it's a handicap. People who depend on escapes from reality are emotionally handicap. They can't stand on their own two feet. And I can.

As soon as he told me, I said I was going to bed.

It's dysfunctional... to be suppressed by unhappiness. To have the incapability to be satisfied with life. I simply told him, "am I the only happy teenager?"

And I think of Isis. Sweet Isis. She is enormously happy. Not to say that she won't succumb to unhappiness when she grows older, just as other people sometimes do. But I can see now why I enjoy Isis so much. Because she is the only one who can become equally happy, equally enthusiastic and satisfied with life. It's a simple quality, it's an extraordinary quality.

I don't want to be held back by others. It goes against my being. I'm a problem-solver. I work forward. I progress. I grow. It's my passion, my sustenance. How am I to be with someone who can't ever experience the joy of that with me?

Originally, I didn't want anything from John. But that's because the manic quality that I experienced last summer was gone. I was very emotional about him. Not this time. It was calmer. Slower. More boring, really. And yet, as the evening went on, when he held my hand while I was driving, the way he asks for a kiss, and tells me he misses me. It was tender and endearing.

So, again, in a less emotionally charged attitude, I felt comfortable with the idea of being involved with him. Not dating him, because him and I are not ready to be exclusive with each other, but to keep each other company, to talk, to kiss... to have a dependability.

He can't do it. He can't have stability. Perhaps it has something to do with all his relatives randomly dying on him, he's always on ice, waiting for it to crack beneath him. I'm not like that, I don't wait for tragedy to strike, I know it won't strike. Because, of course, tragedy is a mindset.

We all know that there are general things that are considered tragedies, loss, death, accidents, health issues - ways that we're hindered. But I don't think that those are akin to my fate. I'm not dependent on very many things, you see. In Oedipus, his mother/wife found out what she had done and she killed herself for it. He tore our his eyes... It's like, they were nothing, once these things went awry. Romeo and Juliet did not care for life without each other.

How can all of these people be so dependent on one small thing? Why do they magnify it so? I don't have those things. I have me. My spirit. Not a very definable spirit in any case. Because descriptions are limited, and can never truly represent the essence of you. So you can't hold on to those descriptions, because they are not infinite and positively accurate. They can only serve a small purpose.

So, I hang on to the abstract, the faith in things that I believe in, but do not know. Things that I can't grasp in a satisfactory way, (based on human satisfaction) but can still be sustained on the faith that it is true. What? I don't know, that's the thing. My human mind doesn't know, can't quite know at this time.

But to know something is to try to dominate something. Scientists can't leave well enough alone, they can't live in this world, content to be subordinate to nature, they have to figure it out, rule it by knowing how the system works (or at least think that they know how the system works) and then they can manipulate it.

For that which I have faith, I have the humility to not try to dominate. I don't make demands, as some do, to God. People who demand that God give them what they want on Earth, keep them healthy - from themselves, and give them salvation. Neither am I a servant of God. I think when you align yourself with the God essence, as you have the ability to do, you are not inferior to Him because you Are him.

It's only when you deviate from God qualities, that you become inferior. I like to associate myself with the former, even if I am not completely so.

In any case, John is not stable and he doesn't want anything stable with me, nor with Lyla. Although he has been dating her, he's been complaining and jerking her around for a long time now. He refuses to be content with anything. He is not looking to be content with me, one must remember that.

Sooo... let's go play with that happy baby already!