Oh well, what can you do?

I don't feel loved. I don't feel that there is someone to give my love to. And I don't feel like if either of those were fulfilled, it would be anything other than an illusion.

I have a particular sadness about it. Is that a consequence of reading over the journal entries about Mike? It took me a while to shake that reality. It was still familiar to me in a way that blocked my ability to feel the reality I'm currently in. Like feeling a tenderness for Mike was more comfortable than feeling a tenderness for Dan.

And I feel so distanced from Dan. And resentful, so that I actually want the distance to continue, at the same time that I want things to be otherwise. At the same time that resentment blooms.

So there was that Mike thing. And then that relationship between psycho and wildchild. (that movie I was watching) and now there's this relationship between Justin and Agnes. And I'm unsettled by it all. I'm unsettled, I think, because I feel all of these relationships more than I feel any semblance of my own relationship.

I don't feel anything of my own. I have nothing. And it makes me sad.

I don't feel close to Dan at all. And there's this attachment that is essentially default. Like an unquestioning affection for him. And yet, now when I try to feel it, all I feel is the memory of when I had that sort of default affection for Mike. I'm detached from it, more or less as much as I am from the fictional relationships I've experienced today.

But my affection for Dan reminds me of that affection for Mike and all the sudden that's all I can experience. I can't make anything for Dan a reality.

And I have that hopelessness, that pessimism, which says that not only are things unreal now, but they'll never be otherwise. Even if the circumstances changed, the reality would be unaffected.

There's nothing that can be done to soothe me. This seems to just be the cold, hard truth. I feel so sad.

The mood will probably be drained from me while I sleep. And things will resume in the morning. Except, I'll still have that lust. That's another unreal relationship that I'm forced to experience. The way my imagination tries to satisfy my lust. It's horrible. While I'm in it, I don't notice anything amiss. But once I pull out of it I realize how taken into another reality I was.

I'm sick of desire. I don't want love, cause right now I feel like love isn't real.

Tomorrow morning I'll go through that incredible lust. I'll be sorry that's all I can experience. Instead of something charming and real. Something I can believe in.

I do think that this is a negative consequence of re-experiencing the Mike-reality. Because now I have something to directly compare it to. What I once had. What I now have. Two extremes. I feel lonely in this extreme. I don't want just anybody. I want somebody in particular. But I feel hopeless on getting any somebody in particular.

I miss feeling that things were right, with John. Feeling that assurance that things were right. Even if things were glaringly wrong sometimes in contrast.

And I miss how it feels to be convinced by Dan. He's so convincing, the way he woos me. He doesn't do it anymore and I'm suffering for it.

What am I to do about this despair of being alone? There's no consolation.