I think I figured out what it was all about.

It's about emotion. Emotion that I've let go. I was nostalgic for it, nostalgic and sad for what I was missing out on. That may seem like an obvious analysis. Yes, I was sad because I was missing out on love.

But no, it's significant because I no longer believe in these excessive emotions. Perhaps I've witnessed too much of it. I was excessively, exhaustively emotional at the time of Mike. And even though that movie was actually disturbingly unemotional, at least quizzically emotional, Rachel is truly Borderline Personality Disorder Head Case emotional and I forgot that this isn't me.

My despair for the future is true. Because my future will not have these emotions that I'm nostalgic about. I have already let them go, and I won't take them back. If I do take them back, they won't be reality. I know this.

But a part of me was sad over it.

And now I remember my reality. I remember my comfort. I remember how it feels to be healthy. Because that's how I see it. I see it as making healthy, productive choices that aren't bogged down by disastrous emotions. That does not mean I don't care for people. Not at all. I do care for people. But it isn't an emotionally driven, and what I mean by that is that it isn't a wild, explosive, uninhibited emotion. It isn't a child. It's an adult.

I care for Dan in a more mature way. Not an uninhibited, wild, emotional way. Not the way I loved Mike. I feel more comfortable separated from the emotional driver. Because that's the thing. To live a life without emotion, is to live an empty life. We need to feel. But we don't need to be driven by emotions. Emotions don't know how to have self-control. They don't know how to have caution, rationality, maturity, safety. They are reckless to a T. We can't allow them to be in the driver's seat. That does not bring us a healthy life.

I feel for Dan. But I'm not emotionally obsessed with him. I do still miss his attention. I do feel abandoned by him. But I realize now that the despair was intensified, magnified by the melodrama of the emotional body, realizing how things have changed. Thinking back nostalgically to the times when it was front and center, or I should say front and left side (of a car). It's not there anymore and it misses it. But I don't.