It's kind of out of the blue. Ever since he told me while I was in NYC that it was pointless to care if I liked Dan because he can't see us in a relationship anyway... I think I was a bit insulted by his pessimism. Because if we both wanted to make it work, I think it could work. But he was obviously unwilling to make it work, like always. And since it wasn't so much that I actually wanted to be in a relationship with him, I wasn't about to waste my time trying to convince him to believe that we could work. So I just let it go.

I was feeling particularly fond of Dan at that time too. And whenever I talked to John after that it wasn't very exciting, because it's only exciting when I get flattered and he'd already taken away the ultimate flattery. So I've talked to him a little bit, mostly I just wait until he talks to me and then I answer his questions or respond to what he says but with little enthusiasm. I don't dislike him, I'm just kind of bored with him.

19:45] BizZyTheKiD1030: me and lyla are broke up btw
[19:45] IAMSpartacus117: for how long?
[19:46] BizZyTheKiD1030: i told her that we need a break and time to be ourselves
[19:46] BizZyTheKiD1030: everytime ive tried to do this shes guilted me into just saying something like, lets just not talk for a few days
[19:46] BizZyTheKiD1030: but nothing has worked
[19:46] BizZyTheKiD1030: all we do is argue
[19:46] BizZyTheKiD1030: so i think it will be a while


[19:49] BizZyTheKiD1030: have you seen billy madison
[19:49] IAMSpartacus117: no.
[19:50] BizZyTheKiD1030: do you want to watch it sometime
[19:50] IAMSpartacus117: do I??
[19:50] BizZyTheKiD1030: do you want to watch it with me* sometime?
[19:50] IAMSpartacus117: sure.


[20:01] BizZyTheKiD1030: are you still staying pretty?
[20:01] IAMSpartacus117: as in my face? good looking?
[20:01] BizZyTheKiD1030: yep
[20:02] IAMSpartacus117: haven't gotten any compliments in the past couple of months but I'd like to think I'm still pretty.
[20:02] BizZyTheKiD1030: always:-)
[20:02] BizZyTheKiD1030: Dan doesnt compliment you?
[20:03] IAMSpartacus117: he calls me beautiful and sexy a lot but it's usually random and considering he says it when he's not looking at me I have to be suspicious. my pictures aren't always accurate anyway.
[20:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: nah your still very pretty
[20:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: regardless
[20:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: ive seen you in the morning lol
[20:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: cant complain
[20:04] IAMSpartacus117: ha.


[20:05] IAMSpartacus117: so did you break up with lyla on valentines day?
[20:05] BizZyTheKiD1030: um, yea that night
[20:05] IAMSpartacus117: that was sweet of you.


[20:23] BizZyTheKiD1030: ide hang out with you anytime
[20:23] IAMSpartacus117: right. that's a lie.
[20:23] BizZyTheKiD1030: oh yea? why?
[20:24] IAMSpartacus117: because you have not hung out with me in many months.
[20:24] BizZyTheKiD1030: i wanted to though
[20:24] IAMSpartacus117: but you wouldn't have.
[20:28] BizZyTheKiD1030: idk, because i always want to give you kisses
[20:28] IAMSpartacus117: ...
[20:28] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea well thats the reason
[20:29] BizZyTheKiD1030: laying next to you and watching tv, like, how am i supposed to not want that
[20:29] IAMSpartacus117: meh.


[20:32] BizZyTheKiD1030: you dont like me like that anymore right
[20:32] IAMSpartacus117: not really.
[20:33] BizZyTheKiD1030: hm


[20:37] BizZyTheKiD1030: oh lmao, before i go, my cousin is sitting here, and wanted to know, if i kissed you, how hard you smack me across my face.
[20:38] IAMSpartacus117: I'm not going to smack you.
[20:38] IAMSpartacus117: either I'm going to pull away because I don't want to. or I'm going to kiss you back because I want to.
[20:38] BizZyTheKiD1030: he said to hope its the second one, hes so gay



So, those are the unexpected highlights. And now I've been thinking about kissing John lately. I mean, I didn't want to get involved with him. I still don't. I don't want to date him and I don't love him. Nor am I really in a lustful mood. But it still seems hard to pass up the idea of being kissed, on the neck. Especially since he's soooo good at it. So I've been giving it some consideration.

However, I've kind of had a lot to think about. After writing that entry last night about Mike, I added James and John. Well I added John because he had only kept me off because of Lyla and I figured if we were friends enough to hang out and kiss we're friends enough to be on each other's myspace. And I added James because he doesn't care and I don't care and that's fine. He never didn't want me on his myspace, but I had to make the statement that I wasn't attached to him. And now that I have, I don't really have a reason to talk with him. Sort of like with Mike. Pretty much a like situation. Let bygones be bygones keeps repeating in my head.

But I feel so fondly for James. Not love or anything. He's just always made me feel really good, really happy. And I miss our friendship. I've had a couple dreams in the past few months about him and it always made me feel nostalgic. But I'm good at excepting that things are of the past. James and I were close in the past, but we aren't now and we hadn't been before so it only makes sense. It was kind of a fluke that made us hang out so often. Even though it was sooo nice.

And then of course there's the Mike situation. I've had two dreams in the past week about getting back together with him. Can't quite remember the first, how did it go? Oh I just remembered either a third dream or the first dream except we didn't get back together. This must have been a third dream. It took place in school and Biology class particularly, in which Mike sat in front of me during high school.

Anyway, last night I had a dream about us getting back together. It sort of took place in a hotel/dorm. I remember making out on the elevator. And I specifically thought about it as if it was tomorrow that we got back together because I remember thinking the same thoughts I think in real life when I wonder at the idea of us ever getting back together. I guess I think about how weird it would be after all this time, how hypocritical it would be after all the things I've said about our sex life, but also how he would actually be better in bed since he's slept with every girl he possibly could and how I'm the one who would be nothing because I haven't improved at all. And I'm still as shy.

Things like that, that flickered through my mind in the dream. But I guess we liked kissing, didn't we always? And then there was this whole thing about me trying to get back down to the van where his mom was waiting. His mom seemed to be my professor because I was going to turn in my short story about Isis to her to be graded. And he had gone back down the elevator but it seemed to be taking forever to get the elevator to come back up. And then I went to go look on the balcony to see where she was parked cause if she was parked with the engine running right by the doors then I needed to hurry.

It sort of took a life of its own at that point. I think I eventually left my bag up there and I think there was something about swimming... like Amelia was there or somebody asked me if I wanted to go swimming and I said yes. Who knows.

I also had a crazy dream about Kristen. It was cool. I was sleeping over at her house and there seemed to be a ghost there. We didn't see the ghost the way we would have if it had been Scooby-Doo but we were still freaked out. I remember lots of cuddling cause that made us less scared. I decided to figure out what the ghost was all about and I did some detecting. I don't know who I was, someone in an Agatha Christie novel? Veronica Mars? Scooby-Doo? Or just a look into the future at my own way of detecting.... like it's ever going to happen...

But in any case, I figured out that it was her step mom and her step sister. I can't quite describe the clues. Mostly I figured it was them but I had to find proof and I think they ended up admitting it in the end. I think it was the sister, I mean with the mom but I think the sister admitted it because I called her out on something she was involved with. Like she had recently bought something or been somewhere that was directly related to the ghost issue. I think they were trying to scare Kristen out of her inheritance or something. :) It was fun. But the ghost really did scare us. We were obsessively cuddling. All over each other.

So, I mean, I'm not sure who to think about. Between this almost nostalgia for Mike. The lust for John. The fond feelings for James and of course my ever-in-love with Dan. But I like it this way. I like that I can't concentrate on any of them too hard because I have so many things to think about and feelings to feel. I don't want to get too fixated on any one of them.