So I have to admit that working has made me more responsible. Because when you work, you kind of get this attitude that points out that things need to be done but you just take things one step at a time. You know? Like you fill your quota for that day and then you close up shop and go home.

I'm not really explaining this the way I originally thought it. It's just, when you consider housekeeping, you gotta do it constantly. When you live in a house with other, especially kids, it's a full time job in itself. And you're not really making all the messes that you have to clean. And it's a struggle to keep things orderly, because no one listens if you tell them to do so. But in the work environment, there are just things that need to be done and we don't do them obsessively - sometimes we get a little lazy, but there is a structure. And it's not a full-time job, even though I am technically working full time, but I mean that it's not where I live, so I get to go home at the end of the day and I just sort of take it one day at a time. I do what I need to do - and I get paid for it, admittedly, not a lot. But then I get to go home. And it just kind of gives me an air of responsibility. Things just need to be done, and I do it because I get paid, and then I get to go home.

And now, living on my own, I just kind of recognize that things need to be done. I wasn't like that before. Things never needed to be done. I just let things be, in whatever state they were in. And I didn't have any other choice because it was way too hard to do things my way while living in my parents house. But now, when I do the dishes, there are like five dishes, maybe ten. And I know that once they're done, they're done. And I'm the one to enjoy the clean dishes and make more dirty dishes. I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards and I don't mind picking up after myself.

I told my parents this... but they didn't believe me. They thought that since I always kept my room messy, that I would keep my apartment messy. But it's not like that. It's easy to keep things clean when everything is mine to keep clean. It's frustrating to clean the kitchen and then have someone else in the house come out and make a bunch of food and leave everything out on the counters and make a pile of dirty dishes. But everything is under my control now and I like it just so.

And even though, things aren't in my control at work, per se. It's like, a place for everything and everything in its place. So everything IS organized, even if it's not in particular the way I choose it to be. In my parents' house there wasn't any particular structure or organization. And there never could be. My parents didn't want to impose rules on us - we didn't want to follow them. But I think also my mom didn't want to have to follow the same rules, you know? My dad is more organized so he probably would - but he also isn't the housewife type of person, so he didn't really clean very much.

In any case, working has kind of taught me the nature of work. School didn't teach me that, because I didn't get paid for doing it. College is a little different because you're paying for it. But college was simple anyway. High school was obsessive - they just made us all their slaves, going to school for eight hours straight and then doing hours and hours of homework after school. It was extremely tedious. In any case, I didn't ever feel that any of it needed to be done the way I do now.

I love how it took me six paragraphs to say all that. I'm sure no one would have minded if I had simply said - hey hey, I find it easier to do my dishes now that I've grown to accept the fact that I have a responsibility to get things done - as I do in my job. And it's easier now that I live on my own and everything I do benefits myself, and everything that needs to be done is caused by me.

And that's it.

In any case, I'm kind of crushing on Matt. Shhh. I knew him from high school but not well at all and now I work with him at Starbucks. He's kind of mystery cause he's really bright and happy and positive - always in a really good mood and making jokes and making people happy. But he got kicked out of his college for... drinking? And he had a court case - although he wouldn't tell me what for. And he's a virgin. So he's kind of a random mix of dark and light and quirky.

I mean, there's Iliya, but he's going back to Bulgaria. I'm like 95% positive he likes me. And I talk to him on break and stuff. but he's leaving in like a week. And Georgie is also going back to Bulgaria. He's cute. I mostly just like when he pushed me against the wall and then tied my pigtail breads in a knot. I didn't know what he was doing at first, but there was a little excitement from his forceful nature.

He works with two guys - who, forgive me, I can't remember their names. They never really introduced themselves and I never hear anybody calling out their names. one of them seemed to want to invite me to the club, he asked me a couple times if I was interested in going. I never really answer when people ask me those kinds of questions though. If they don't ask me directly, I just don't answer. And even if they do ask me directly, I sometimes don't answer. In any case, he smokes and the way he talks, he doesn't really seem to be my type.

And then there's another one, and when I was working at Quiznos he came over and put his arm around Nicole and I just thought it was kind of sweet, so I immediately grew fond of him. He reminds me of an actor I know from Alias. I don't remember his name. :[ It's their fault for never wearing their name tags like they're supposed to. Hell, I don't even think they know my name. But this guy is still in high school, though he's 18, I think. He failed a greade. And he smokes as well, which sucks. But he's a little bit quieter. Like the first guy whistled when I walked across the plaza and said something about missing me. It was kind of brazen flirtation in a random way. But he shows a little too much personality that I don't really like.

Whereas the other guy is a little bit more subtle. I go there to eat pizza on my breaks and I chat with them. He sat down next to me and I had my cell phone on the table so he asked me for my number and when he left to go home he gave me a huge goodbye. My first hug from anybody at the plaza. I think Iliya has wanted to hug me, but he probably thinks I don't want him to. I give off that vibe. But this guy - who I must learn the name of, just seems to consider me his friend now. Since I spent like a half an hour chatting with him the other night after closing, I suppose we are friends. It's nice. He was warm when I hugged him, I liked it. I could see myself liking him.

Though, really, none of these guys are what I'm after in the true sense of things. But I always compromise. Since I don't know a single person my age who is this way. And definitely not any attractive males.

And then there's Timmy. But he's definitely not my type. Too short, too young. Too girl crazy. He wants to come party at my house this weekend. Which I have no problem with, but he's definitely not getting me drunk. And I kind of want other people there. He keeps announcing it at work, "party at Melinda's". (That's what Matt named me and him and Bryan and Tim call me it. Well, Bryan stopped. Which is good, cause he's not my friend and only friends get to call me by my nickname. I take it as a good sign that they feel comfortable enough in calling me it. Cause I think you have to be on good terms with someone to do it. Since it's technically a bit rude to do - call someone by another name.)

In any case, I just smile when he does it, so although Ron or David will be like Really? There's a party at Melinda's? I don't confirm it, so they probably don't think Tim is serious. I don't want to be alone with Timmy. He's already asked me directly if I'd be his girlfriend. I reminded him that he'd already asked Erica on a date that day. And then David told me that Tim had a crush on me a week later. And I think Tim almost asked me today if I wanted to have a three some, since he knows I'm bi.

He's so not my type.

Matt is my favorite. :) He's just a good person. He's like Santa. But a funny Santa.

But it was me, Matt and Ashley closing tonight. And Ashley always brings up sex. She's pretty brazen. She's black. I feel like that says something. She has that brazen black attitude. They like to be straight forward. In any case, just talking about sex, around Matt, somehow made me consider Matt in that context. Like I'd never really thought I could like him sexually. But now I'm thinking.. hmmm.

Not that I'm consciously thinking about it, per se. But now I can envision him in that context. Even though he's a virgin and he's like 20. I don't know what he's waiting for, he hasn't said anything about waiting for marriage. And he doesn't want us to think he's gay, so he seems to be straight. So even if I did date him, he might not want to have sex. Which is actually fine with me. Because despite what I say about being obsessed with sex, I've learned that guys don't know what girls want. Honestly, they just don't want the same things as girls want and they don't understand how it feels to be without a dick. And I don't really want to have to explain it all to them. And they don't really want to hear it. Cause they have a dick, and it doesn't concern them.

So, I feel ridiculous wanting sex so bad when thus far, it's not been anything worth my time. And to be honest, it hasn't even been that great for the two guys I slept with. But I don't really care. I didn't get an orgasm so why should it matter to me if they get an orgasm? James didn't because he used one of my climax control condoms and they have that desensitizing lubricant that makes it really hard to cum, since it's meant for premature ejaculators. Yeah, if I had only known while I was dating Mike.

Anyway, I'm going to watch Knocked Up. Though I shouldn't, cause I have to wake up in six and a half hours and this is a couple hours long, most likely. Booooo. I slept soo much this morning. I slept from like 9pm last night to like 10am this morning.