*sigh*. What am I going to do with life?

I had to say goodbye to Iliya tomorrow. Although he says he's going to visit the travel plaza tomorrow and even though I don't work, I'm thinking of asking him what time he's going to visit so I can go at the same time. Joe would like that, if I visit him.

I should stop crying. I can't help it. I don't know why. It makes me sad that I'm never going to see him again. I hardly made an effort to befriend him. And I mostly blew him off, when he wrapped his arms around me and stuff. Which he didn't do that often. It isn't like he made an effort either. But he did ask me to go to Niagra Falls with him. I couldn't because of work and babysitting Isis though.

Ugh. Maybe it just makes me sad because the people at the plaza are like one big family. And I haven't had a good connection with someone in a long time. And Georgie and Iliya were like my favorites in the plaza, besides Matt. So the fact that they're the ones leaving just breaks up my family.

I hardly even talked to Iliya. I shouldn't be so sad. It's like I want him to be there. Just be there. Owe. It is seriously hurting my jaw to cry.

I have no idea why it hurts so much that he's leaving. I want to say that it doesn't even hurt this much to know that I won't see Kristen or Jon or Maegan or James that often. But that's the thing. Even if they're in Wyoming, I know that I'm still more likely to see them again. I'll never see Iliya again. And I'll never have the chance to hug him again.

Fuck. I don't want to be working at the plaza next summer. They do this work/travel program a lot. I hate making long distance friends. I hate that I'll never see Harry or Maria again. I don't mind not seeing Carlos and Serigo though.

And I'm left with Joe. Ugh. Joe is like the nice guy that girls don't want. I don't know what to say about him. I don't know what I want from a relationship. I honestly have no fucking clue. So I don't know how to explain why I don't want Joe.

I guess, something I was looking forward to was an adult relationship in the sense that I could have someone to sleep over with and.. that's about it. I wanted to shower with him too, but there's sulfur in my water and the smell is unromantic. I didn't really have any other qualifications. I didn't imagine myself cooking with him or shopping with him or visiting my parents with him or anything.

Just cuddling, sleeping and showering. And sex, of course. Aaand love, naturally.

But cuddling with Joe does nothing for me. I don't think he turns me on, not like anybody else in the world does either. Though I usually think they do until I have sex with them. He can't sleep over that often because he has school and even if he could, I'd have to drive him in the morning cause he doesn't have his license.

I don't know about sex. He's a virgin. So is Matt, ironically. I will probably never in my life enjoy sex. I think I'm sick of masturbating too. Don't exactly picture myself showering with him in my shower, though my boyfriend probably wouldn't care. The shower just used to be such a comfortable place for me. My favorite place, actually. And now I don't like it at all. But I probably wouldn't shower with Joe unless we were having sex.

I don't know that I could love him. I can care about him. But he's more simple and sweet. And I can't say what I like, but I think I picture it a little more intense and complex.

Again. I. Have. No. Clue. What. I. Want.

I don't know what would make me happy or satisfy me. But that's what I'm looking for. You know? Someone who, when I look at them, it makes me happy. Because that's what makes it worth it. That pleasure that comes from being around them.

I don't dislike Joe at all, and I think he's really nice and agreeable. But he doesn't stimulate anything. No emotion or pleasure. It's so comfortable that I feel like I've known him for a very long time. We've already gotten into a rhythm that seems natural. But do I want that?

What do I want?

I thought I wanted Matt. He is honestly an amazing person. If I could pick one person to be, I would be Matt. He has so much cheery personality. Always happy and random and interesting. One of a kind. I can't even begin to describe him or describe the value I put on it. It's just something I respect. A warmth and happiness that I think all people should have. And he's genuine too.

Ron asked me if I liked Matt. I asked if it seemed like it and I don't remember his exact words but it was something about the way I talked to Matt, like I opened up to him more. But everybody does, because that's just Matt's personality. Though I know what he means, I have the most real smile I've ever had on my face when I talk to Matt.

I find it extremely hard to express emotion. I'm so sick of it. I regret it so much because I didn't show ANY emotion to Iliya and I hate myself for it. But I show all the emotion I have with Matt, and I'm completely comfortable and alive when I'm around him. Cause he's alive. Not a stick in the mud like so much of humanity.

I told Ron "maybe". Cause Matt came back before I had a chance to answer Ron. So I said "not definitely yes, but maybe." Even though it's closer to a yes. I just wanted Ron to know that I don't act that way because I'm secretly thinking in my head how much I love Matt. I respect Matt as a person, more than I want him for myself.

It made me happy, at first, that Joe liked me so much. He just accepted me so completely. I don't feel ashamed or afraid at all around him. Like I know that I can be who I am and he'll be receptive, instead of hate me or try to shut me down. And the security was making me happy. But then something happened to tip the scale to the negative side. And now I can see very little pluses to date him. Though I already told him no. But he still likes me. And I think he hopes I'll change my mind. And that puts pressure on me.

Maybe that's the reason. I like being myself. I like trying to make people like me. But now, if I act the way I did in the first place, I'll only be leading him on or making him like me more. And then he'll put more pressure on me to go out with him. So it's like, I'm almost being punished for being pleasant and likable. It's like the difference between being yourself and flirting.

Like with Matt, I was not flirting. I was being myself. And I like to be open and funny and cheery and happy. That's being myself. But I was not flirting. So it makes me want to express myself more when people are already focused, intensely, on me. Especially when it's for a reason unknown to me. Like they intensely like me when they don't know me at all. And then I'm like, wtf? And it just makes my personality retreat all the more. And I'm so fantastic at not showing emotion in the first place. So it all comes together.

I'm not specifically talking about Joe. I'm not annoyed with him or anything. I just want to have freedom. I want to have the freedom to flirt and have excitement and pleasure with other people, as well as to express myself around him without leading him on.

I wish that Joe would show a little more personality. So that it was less about how he personally felt about me and more about the dynamics. I don't want to be reminded all the time that he likes me while I'm sitting there thinking, what's there to like about him? And I know that sounds mean. But I just mean I enjoy the dynamics of expressing myself with another person. That's why I enjoy Matt so much, because he has so much to add to the dynamics. He just NEVER runs out. And Joe is always on empty, by default.

And I don't like to express myself just so people can build up an intense adoration for me. I enjoy having people like me and being able to express myself so that we can enjoy each other, make a good experience. Not just to be adored. It annoys me to just plainly be adored. And that is exactly Joe's personality.

:( I don't know what to do about it. And I can't begin to like Matt with Joe around. I told Matt to throw me a housewarming party this weekend. I told him he could invite Joe. And then I told Joe that I had told Matt to do the party and that he could invite Joe. I almost don't want Joe to be there. Cause I feel restrained around him. He would probably not enjoy my "flirting" with Matt. Or Timmy. And I just want to have something fun and enjoyable.

Damn. When did I go from not wanting a boyfriend to just wanting friends? I thought it was always that I didn't want friends and I wanted a boyfriend...

I guess I am ready to let people like me. Instead of just ONE person.

I don't know. I was going to kiss Joe. Like I wanted to a couple days ago. But then I spent all day with Matt yesterday and it was amazingggggggggg. And I don't want to make out with Joe cause that will only lead him on more. I wanted to kiss Iliya goodbye as well but Joe was there. Joe probably would have kissed me today, but I didn't really send out the right signals. All that affection and stuff that I crave constantly I now have with Joe and it just does nothing for me. That's why I can't even hypocritically claim that I want it with Matt, now. Cause maybe it's the same as sex.. something I want to want, but don't want to actually have.

I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused.