So, I had a shitty day. But I don't care. It's so easy to be happy. Like, I had every right to be miserable and self-pitying. But I'm not. Like the circumstances were shitty but I was immune.

So this was expected. It needed to happen and I kind of asked for it in my journal entry when I talked about how people have a problem with me and I need to communicate with them more.

Long story short. Everybody hates me. I don't who, specifically. But that's how Ashley made it sound. Everybody thinks I have an attitude. Which is a fucking laugh in Starbucks. It's kettle calling the pot black or whatever that damn saying is. Pot calling the kettle black, I think.

So there's this like 40 year old woman who handles the cash. She's not a manager, but she doesn't work in any of the stores, she just counts the money and gives people registers and deals with the money in all ways, shapes and forms. So she hates me and thinks I have an attitude, even though we've probably said about 20 words to each other. And that's how Ashley and I got on the conversation, cause I asked why Joya hated me. Joya, fucking ironic name.

So when I went to get change, she was still being a cold bitch, really rude. And I said, I've never done anything to you, why are you treating me like this? And she said that yesterday I had given her attitude when she told me to mark my twenties with a counterfeit pen. Which we do, and I always do. It's a habit, I've never not done it, because I immediately got into the habit. I always feel like I'm missing something when I forget to do it. I forget to get people the pastries or the coffees more than I forget to do the twenties. And I marked one on the opposite side of what we usually do, and I think that Joya thought that I hadn't marked it, because of that.

But it's a moot point cause I didn't give her attitude. I was slightly defensive, perhaps. But only slightly. The idea that because I told her that I Was, actually, marking the twenties when she accused me of not doing so, means that I don't deserve respect anymore is so ridiculously immature. But of course it's more than that. Her daughter works at the pizza place. She went to my high school, though I never talked to her. She wasn't in my grade and we didn't have any of the same friends. But apparently I gave her attitude so Joya has been hearing people from Starbucks bitch about me, plus her daughter. Plus my defensiveness. And suddenly I'm a bad person. Though I heard that she's pretty much just a bitch and doesn't really like anybody. She has never been friendly with me, from the start. Before she even knew me. She has never given me the benefit of the doubt. Never shown me any kindness or respect or politeness.

In any case, it just tipped me over. And I just started crying and I couldn't stop. And I couldn't just go to the bathroom cause that would just make them bitch, so I had to stick around, but I couldn't stop crying.

And a couple times I kind of liked it, because Bryan asked me to get a manager and then he saw me crying and he cut off an said sorry and went to ask somebody else. And Justin asked me to go back on register and I just turned to look at him with my swollen red eyes and said I couldn't.

Like, people tell me to do things and I pretty much only do it if I think it's a good idea. Which is what they hate, because they want me to do things their way, all the time. But this time, I felt like I had a reason they couldn't deny. I finally had the freedom to say no. You know? Every time I say no it becomes this federal case, and I'm prosecuted just because I want to make my own decisions. I'm not a fucking slave. I have to feel guilty every time I have an independent thought.

But I wasn't just crying to get attention. None of my friends have even seen me cry. Nobody but my family has seen me cry in such a long time. And now like everybody at work has seen me cry. Stefano came by. He's like the top manager. One of the most important people who work there. And he asked me what was wrong and I explained it a little bit. Though I didn't explain it very well and it probably sounded kind of dumb. lol.

Cause, it sounded like they were just being mean to me and it made me cry. But that's not really the situation. The situation is that they find me to have an attitude and to be a bad worker because I don't do things their way. And I'm afraid that because they keep telling other people about me, that everybody is going to have this "burn the witch" complex, where suddenly it gains momentum and none of them really has a reason to hate me, they've just got group momentum and they're trying to persecute me.

Like so many people who complain about me have never even talked to me. Like Justin told Rick that I didn't follow orders when he had never even given me an order. He hadn't even introduced himself and I'd tried to engage in conversation with him numerous times and he barely said a word. He never taught me how to do anything or told me what he needed. And suddenly I'm not listening to him? It's ridiculous how many people complain about imaginary situations.

Like, for instance, when I first moved here, this one girl, Danielle, said that she smiled at me in the hall and I glared at her. So she didn't like me anymore cause I glared her. I had absolutely no recollection of even seeing her or making eye contact with her at all. I never did that. But suddenly I'm a mean person because I glared at her. Jeezus.

And that's what it's like. If you don't act the way people want you to act. If you don't give them the specific attention they want, they take it extremely personally and suddenly you're a bad guy. And it's part snobbishness and part insecurity. Like Joya thinks that she's better than me because she already thought she was better than me but now she has "an excuse" to tell me why she's better than me.

And some people just are intimidated by my silence, and they interpret it with their paranoia and suddenly I have a bad attitude. one of the old ladies who works with us said that when she was young she was quiet like me and people thought she was a snob. Which she found ridiculous. And likewise, I've had people tell me that, that I'm a snob. But it's so much more than that. People just simply don't know how to read the context of silence. They don't know how to handle it. It makes them uncomfortable. And the fact that I don't say much and I don't express very much emotion intimidates them and causes them to overreact and blow things out of proportion.

God, there's so much to say about this entire situation though. I just couldn't stop crying. To me, I don't cry in that girly self-pitying way. So I don't cry a lot. I mostly cry because of world issues. Like a lot of little things set me off and it's uncontrollable waves of emotion. But I asked my mom why that was and it's kind of a world karma deal. Otherwise, I only cry when I'm releasing something. It's an outlet for emotion that I don't want anymore. Because when you're holding onto it, even if you're suppressing it, it's like you're tense and your muscles are strained. You just need to relax, to let it go, to breathe again. And I don't feel this strain cause I'm suppressing it, but when I cry I realize how much I was suppressing it. And I just let it all go. I don't just bring it to the surface to feel it and have self-pity or anger or blame. I just bring it to the surface and let it go. So when I cry, I can't stop until I've released it all.

And it usually happens when I'm writing a journal entry and I can process what I need to learn and resolve issues and release the emotion because I don't need it anymore. But I was at work and I couldn't do that and I was trying to hold in the crying so I could go back to work. I went on register and started crying in the middle of dealing with a customer. I could barely spit out "have a nice day". It was so pathetic. And when I wasn't crying, my eye were all bloodshot and watery and they probably either felt sorry for me or thought I was really, really high. They were probably wondering why the fuck I was on register if I was so clearly upset. I felt like people were gonna believe that I had just found out my grandmother died or something.

So, Yolanda supported me. Everybody calls her Grams and she was like, I'm Grams, tell me what's wrong. And she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I needed to tell her what was wrong. And the funny thing is, every time I stopped crying, she'd just look at me and I'd start again. Cause I don't know... what was it that was making me cry?

I think I was just releasing my own self-loathing. I think that when everybody talked bad about me I accepted it. I felt like I deserved it, so I accepted it. I knew that I didn't deserve it, but I felt like I did. And that's why I just kept the hurt - suppressed but there. And when I cried it was like I was saying, you know what? This does hurt. It hurts to have people do this to me. It hurts to have people punish me for something I don't deserve. It hurts to have people gang up on me. It hurts to have people blame me for unnecessary reasons. And I don't deserve it. And the fact that I was expressing this to everybody by letting them see me cry. You know what I mean? Acting like it didn't hurt was like saying - hey, this is life, I just have to suck it up.

But this was saying, I can't handle this, I don't want to handle this, and I don't deserve it. And mostly just the old ladies, cause they're really sweet. But they all told me that I was really sweet and nice. And they're right. it's the same issue as with when my mom judged me by my worst. You can't accurately know someone by the worst of what you've seen. And people have categorized me as my worst. They've taken it out of context and out of proportion and labeled me as my worst. Conveniently ignoring all the pleasantness, all the politeness, all the agreeableness. All the times that I was smiley and happy and conversational and friendly and a hardworker. You say yes to them three times but they only focus on the one time you said no. You do ten things around the store but they only focus on what you didn't do.

And I felt afraid that there were too many people who didn't like me. And I felt like they'd win. That their version of who I am would triumph, and everybody would believe it and I'd be persecuted for it. Just like witch trials. But there are a lot of people who do like me and who don't see me as a problem. It's the ones who want to start shit and want to have power and want to have control who tell on the managers and bitch about me behind my back. Not the ones who think I'm nice. They're not going to go around telling everybody how nice I am. So I've now realized that I have support. I have enemies, but I have support. Which only made me cry more.

But then the one woman who makes sandwiches and stuff in the kitchen for Starbucks, we don't see her a lot though. She told me that I couldn't let them see my weakness cause they'd pounce. And I thought it was funny because she was saying it because I was crying and I've probably not cried in front of someone besides my family since I was like 11. So, I definitely don't show them my weakness. And the other woman said that I was a sensitive person. And I wanted to disagree.

But you know what? This is the problem. I want people to think me tougher than I am. Because I feel I need to in order to defend myself. I feel that I need to give attitude because if I don't, people will just abuse me. Though they do anyway and my attitude only makes it worse. I don't want to intimidate them, per se. I just want to fight for my right. And part of me was really mad that everybody was seeing me cry because even though I knew it was benefiting me, a part of me was like nooooooo act tough, don't let them see that this kills you. I don't want the old ladies in the back to think that I'm sensitive and weepy. I'm a fighter!

But that's because I suppress my emotions and put up the defense. And that's not really strength.

And she said, you've got to get in their face and say, HEY BACK OFF. Though she didn't realize that, that was essentially the problem, is that I was telling people to back off when they're supervisors and have the right to make me do whatever they want me to do, apparently. So that won't work. But then she said, forget all the managers and supervisors and just go straight to Stefano and Bill if you have a problem. Or if there's something going on at work, don't just argue with them, tell them that the both of you need to go to the managers and resolve it. Right then and there.

And that's when I realized, all this time I felt like I was protecting myself and standing up for myself but I was really only doing the weakest part of it. I was really only being defensive and giving them attitude. I mean, I had resistance. But I never communicated with a single person my side of the story. And that's the thing, all these people are telling the managers this bullshit and the managers aren't going to hear anything else. Not the nice stuff and not my defense. Like Ashley got mad at me because there was a long line and I wouldn't go on the second register and help her out. And she said today, do you see what I'm saying, that when there's a long line I need your help.

She was mad at me because I wouldn't go on register. Like she assumed that I was just slacking off and I didn't want to do it because it wasn't fun or something along those lines. I am more than willing to work and to work hard and to give the customers what they need. What she overlooked was the fact that we didn't have what the customers needed because nobody was doing prep. We ran out of whipped cream, mocha light, coffee, pastries, cream. And there was nobody to fix it. But me. So I did. And every time I would go back to make something or to get something done they'd start bitching at me and tell me to go back on register.

So I told Ashley that it really pisses me off when I'm on register ordering things, working with customers and then I have to give my orders to Timmy and he can't even fill them because we don't have the stuff and he won't make them. I ordered a caramel light frappachino and he started giving them regular frappachino mix because we didn't have any light. They do that. They give people decaf if we don't have regular. And when it comes to those things that people can't really tell, it's deceiving and rude to do so. It's one thing to just simply say that we don't have it. It's another to claim that we do and then give them something else.

It's important to people to not get caffeine when they don't want it and to get it when they need it. It's important to people to get nonfat milk and sugar free syrup when they need it. And it pisses me off when I'm responsible for giving the customers what they need. They talk to me and I take their money and I feel bad when people don't deceive my customers. And I told Ashley that I can't go on register and take orders for things that we don't have. I have to go do prep. I have to get things settled.

I told Pam today that I got there the other day and my first four orders were coffee. It was like straight coffee, four orders in a row. It ended up being like four mediums and three smalls. And we had NO COFFEE. Both of the blends we use needed to be brewed and that's just silly. We're Starbucks. We should have coffee. It would be absolutely ridiculous to have Katie go on the second register at that point and just keep taking orders. Right? No, she had to brew some coffee. I stayed on register and took more orders, but someone got off register to do prep, to get things done. And that's exactly what happened later on that day. I got off register, left Ashley to take orders and did things that we needed to do, but that nobody could do.

Ashley thinks I'm just betraying her and abandoning her on register and she resents me for it. But she doesn't understand that I had a fucking good reason. I'm not going to take orders for things and give them to Timmy so he can give them what they didn't order behind their back. Seriously, I refuse to do it. And I can't just go - Okay, so you wanted a mocha light? Well I'm going to tell Timmy to do it but he won't because he's a dishonest worker, but go down to the yellow lights and he'll give you the wrong drink ON PURPOSE when he's done. It's SO unprofessional. But then they go and tell Donna and suddenly I'm the bad guy because I'm trying to do things RIGHT and they've worked their longer so everything I propose is stupid and everything they propose is right.

But I needed to say these things. People would disagree with me and I didn't even argue. And that's the funny thing. I dealt with Amelia, who I constantly, constantly bickered with. Always trying to defend myself, always explaining my side of the situation. So much that people were bleeding out of their ears, they were so bored with my defenses.

And then I go here and I think I've got it by just keeping my mouth shut. But now I'm SUPPOSED to talk. But that's the thing about life. We take extremes in our approaches. We think, oh, I'm doing things wrong now, so I must have to do the oppposite to make it right. But life isn't about opposites. It's not about extremes. Life is about the middle way, the fine line between having a balance of two extremes and carrying one of them too far.

I think that I had to understand that it was a moot point with Amelia. That I didn't need her validation. If she didn't want to drive with me, she didn't have to. If she didn't like my driving, she didn't have to. And I wanted to make her like my driving and I tried to. But there was nothing I could say or do to prove that I was driving well. She just wasn't going to accept reality. So I needed to stop trying to make it any other way.

But with work, I don't have the same freedom as with my personal life. There are restrictions and guidelines. And people feel that they're justified in getting things their way when they can make it sound like you're not doing things within the guidelines - the rules. So they use this in terms of power. So I can't just blow them off. With Amelia, it didn't make a difference if she didn't think that I was a good driver. So it wasn't worth trying to change. But it makes a difference if all my coworkers think that I'm a horrible worker.

But, it's not about arguing with them. It's about, as one of the old ladies mentioned, going straight to the source - Stefano and Bill. When I have a problem, I can't ignore it, nor can I argue with my coworkers, I have to get a third person in there right away to observe the situation and work it out. I asked Pam today what I should have done in the situation the other day with Ashley on register and she said that I should have gotten a manager to come to prep. Cause the manager can't do the register, they're not allowed, but they can help out making coffee and doing prep. So if we need help, we can ask. And that honestly didn't occur to me. I never thought to get a manager. I usually just think that we've only got who we have working in our concept and that's it. But we do sometimes have outside help. Sometimes, cause not all the managers know how to do Starbucks things. They were probably all trained in Starbucks at one point or another but they become rusty if they don't use it often.

In any case, I need communicate issues from a higher superiority. Poeple go and complain about my attitude, but not about the situations. You know what I mean? Like for me, it's not a personal issue. I don't care about the people. I care about what's right in a situation. And even if it's petty as hell. Like when I asked a customer for an American penny because they gave me a Canadian one. Pam told me straight from her mouth that I could ask the customer to give me an American one. Yeah, it's not a big deal for them to give me one. But at the same time, if everybody did it, wow, helloooo we're in America. And actually, we get a lot of Canadian coins. Cause they're the same size and the same color. And we often don't notice when we see it. But we're not in Canada, and it seems perfectly logical to give American money in America.

And it's a petty issue for David and I to fight, but I should have just walked right out of there and said, want me to go ask a manager if I'm in the wrong for asking them for an American penny? Which, I already have gotten it from Pam, a manager, that I'm not in the wrong. But David wasn't around to here it.

But it's like, I was too coward to really stand up for myself. I didn't want to talk to managers. Probably because I didn't feel that I had the right to go to a manager and express my side of the story. I didn't feel that I had a right to receive their time and attention for my issues in Starbucks. I didn't feel that I was worthy or important enough. Not cause they're busy or snobs or anything, it was just my own personal feelings that made me hold back from doing so.

Pam didn't see me cry, she pretty much came in right after I got done. I thought Stefano would tell her, because if there was a problem he would probably tell her, since she's the personal manager for Starbucks and knows the people. But I'm not sure Stefano is even going to do anything. He asked if there was anybody in particular and I couldn't really give him any names. I should have specifically given him names, but I don't even fucking know who hates me this time. You know? Who hates me this week? I can't keep track. They're way too bipolar and backstabbing for me to keep up with.

In any case, it was so easy to just ask Pam about the situation. And I wanted to the day that it happened and the next day. I even asked when she would next be in. But she had a mini vacation so I couldn't do it. And then I told myself that it was over and done with and I could just forget it happened as soon as she came back. I need to stop telling myself that I don't deserve to resolve issues. Other people hold grudges, so it's not actually over and done with. And if they're still bitching about it days later, I need to be able to express my side of the story and bring about a resolution.

It's like we're siblings and we can bicker back and forth about who's right and who's wrong, but as soon as we go to a parent and ask them, their word is final. You can't bicker about it any longer. It's like God himself has passed judgment. And it's the same with the managers. Two coworkers can fight back and forth about who's right and who's wrong but whatever the managers say, the managers say. And I have no problem following the rules. It's usually not even about rules when we bicker. It's about preference. I mean that deal with needing to do prep, Pam offered a solution that suited both of us. They would have gotten me back on register, and I would have been assured that there was someone to do prep and I wouldn't need to worry about it. I had no problem being on register, it's just that we needed prep. You know? And we need a manager to mediate and say, hey, this is how things need to be. There's no sense in bickering about it back and forth because this is just how things need to be, up front and straightforward.

There's no gray areas, no need to debate. Cause AS IF any of the people there really care about the rules. I mean the day that David was being really condescending, he was breaking a HUGE rule by using Justin's register. And the day that Timmy was acting like he cared if people had to wait in line, he was giving people regular when they ordered sugarfree and nonfat. As if he cares about the customers. I would have at least told them that we were out and they could order something else. But he didn't care. They really only care about themselves. And they care if I do things their way because they care about themselves. Not the rules. Except Bryan, cause he's straight edge like that and he gets really mad and jealous when people break rules. He's one of those people who can't break rules himself. For whatever personal reason he's afraid to. And so he doesn't want anybody else to be able to do it either.

In any case, I care about the customers more often than not. And they care about themselves more often than not. And Bryan, cares about pointless rules that are neither preference nor really about the customers. He nitpicks about rules.

So I learned that I needed to stop acting like I was being strong and productive - and needed to start actually using real strength and power to make the situation right. Instead of just hardly protecting myself for the moment, but really not only holding onto the pain and destructive emotions but also giving the situation more negative momentum and thus keeping it going and asking for more of the same situations.

So, Joe asked me to come to his football game. And I said yes, even though I knew perfectly well that I would be miserable. Bored, lonely, cold. But I did it for him. So I went to the high school for the town next to ours. Their colors are green and yellow. So there was green everywhere. There were little kids dying their hair green and everybody was wearing green jerseys and the cheerleaders didn't even have yellow on their outfits. Just green and white. Though they were stupid. :p

One of the girls who works at Starbucks was there so I saw her about an hour into the game or maybe less than that and she said I could hang out with her, so I tagged along. I don't like her. She's got issues. Like I don't personally mind her. But um, psychologically, I disagree with the way she handles things and I think her morals are very low. She's kind of sleazy. Not dirtbag sleazy. Just an unmoralistic character. Like you know she doesn't care about doing what's right in the least bit. She just doesn't get it. It's not just selfishness, she simply doesn't believe in it.

At least, from what I see. But a lot of it is the way she expresses the fact that she doesn't love herself. Not on purpose. It's in her behavior, but she probably doesn't notice what she's doing. I can see how it all stems from that issue though. Although I don't know how far back it goes. In any case, I let her talk on and on and just sit there quietly. It works. But she ignored me for most of the time. And that worked too.

Joe didn't even play until the last couple of minutes. I don't know why he wanted me to come watch him stand around. Really. And God, the game is only 45 minutes long but it lasts three hours. It's ridiculous.

I was sitting there alone at first and this little kid climbs over the railing and kicks me in the face. No joke. I could imagine a foot mark on my temple. And then later on, one of Brittany's friend's hit me. Like he was doing something and his arm swung back and smacked me in the face. I just laughed. Neither of them particularly hurt. I wasn't even annoyed. I knew I was going to be bored, cold, lonely AND I had just had a horrible day at work and I'd been kicked and hit in the face - all so I can watch Joe stand on the side lines! And I wasn't even mad or annoyed.

Except near the end cause I couldn't leave early, cause I had to say hi to Joe afterwards. I really should have come in the middle of the game. or come early and talked to him then - though I couldn't cause I didn't get out of work in time to come early. I got there like ten minutes after it started. He probably would have been getting into his uniform and warming up anyway. But yeah, I was a little annoyed cause I was freezing and I felt like it would never end. One of the other team players got hurt and so he was laying on the grass for 15 minutes while an ambulance got here. And then it was like another ten minutes before they put him in the ambulance. And I was just like UGH. I can't afford to freeze my fingers off for 20 extra minutes.

So Joe walked me to my car. And that was it. He did call me when I got home and I explained to him my work story and he was very supportive and sympathetic.

But wow. I can't believe how content I feel when I had such a ridiculous day. I mean, it makes sense because I released a lot of tension and stress. But most people wouldn't have done that. They would have used to the situation to make themselves a victim, and held onto it longer than it needed to be held onto.

In any case, learning to love yourself always makes life worth it. It doesn't matter what you do, if you don't love yourself, you won't be happy. And it doesn't matter what you do that sucks, if you love yourself, you'll be happy. People focus way too much on making their outer circumstances suit their needs. But the outer circumstances aren't the root of the problem, thus, they can't be the solution to the problem. They're only stimulants one way or another.

I didn't get a chance to tell Joe that I'm going to date him.

But I want to wait until Iliya leaves. He leaves in a week. I feel so responsible for the fact that he likes me. I'm such a loyal person. I don't connect with people easily, I don't have a lot of friends. But when I do, I'm very concerned and loyal.

And just the way Iliya looks at me makes me feel responsible for the way he feels about me. I probably would like him back if he was staying here. But the second I heard that he was going back in a month I turned off my feelings. I'm too goal oriented and I know that Iliya can't give me what I want. Which is probably unhealthy and mean but another issue for another time, eh?

Anyway, he kind of puts his arm around me when I come talk to him. But not a friendly arm around the shoulder, he like rubs my back or - I don't know. It's the way he does it. He reminds me of Serigo from Colombia. He just adored me so much. And I really didn't like it. But I don't mind with Iliya. He rubs my shoulders and today he wrapped his arms around me from behind and.. hmm. what was he doing? I dunno. He was playfully teasing me at first, but I think he took the opening to be intimate.

I don't know, I can't put it into words what he was doing. I just can tell. A woman knows. Jut the way he puts his head against mine. And I won't tell him that I'm about to date Joe. I don't want to tell him that he's not allowed to express that he likes me, even though he's never even said it. That's what makes it heartbreaking. It's just the expression in his eyes, and how can I tell him to stop doing that? And I can't have him wrapping his arms around me randomly when I'm dating Joe either. Plus, Joe works with Georgie and Georgie is Bulgarian like Iliya so he might tell Georgie and Georgie might tell Iliya and especially after today. Cause I don't flirt back, just because I'm weird - not just because I want to date Joe. But just because I'm weird, I don't flirt back. So I think Iliya was a little hurt that I kind of just walked abruptly away earlier that day, or later, I can't remember.

So if he found out, he'd probably think that I was dating Joe at that time and that's why I was acting unresponsive, because I didn't want him to hug me. But if he wasn't going back to Bulgaria, I would have wanted him to hug me. It's nice. And I like his massages, they feel good. I like him. I don't want to express it because I'm goal oriented. Though that's selfish of me. I should always take the opportunity to connect with people, no matter how short it lasts. That's what customer service is all about. They come for a few minutes, they leave. You never see them again. But you make it count anyway.

Iliya just isn't as bold as Joe. Joe was just like bam bam bam. I came over to talk to him a few times, and that was my effort. But he asked me for my number, called me, then called me again even though I didn't call back. Then he asked if I wanted to hang out with him on Tuesday, cause we both have the day off. And then he asked me out. He didn't hesitate at all. It was really brave. I'm so used to me and James pussy footing around for like three years. (Even though that was because he never liked me) But, I'm still used to us avoiding making out and shit, even though we said we were going to so many times. So the fact that Joe is just making everything happen within days is like Wow.

So he told me again that he liked me. And I didn't say anything back. Cause, remember, I'm weird. I just feel awkward and can't think of anything to express. So I just stay quiet. So then it occurred to me after we got off the phone, that I should tell him I like him. He deserves that for giving me admiration and respect. See? Loyal. So I sent him a text. But he said he already figured I liked him.

I hate that. :p He does not know how much I had to convince myself to go for it with him. But whatever, I'll let him think what he wants. I don't know how much I'm going to like him anyway. Like at this point I enjoy being friends with him more than anything. And I would probably just let that continue for ages. Though I'd probably get lustful and start desiring him. It would kind of be how I treated the situation with James. Just leave it simple but sexual. My favorite.

Even though, realistically, sexual isn't my favorite. Since I don't enjoy sex. But I definitely enjoy desiring sex. :)

Anyway. I kind of don't like that he's in high school. He doesn't have his drivers license. I want someone with independence. I want a boyfriend who can come sleep over at my apartment. He can't do that when he has school. At least not while he doesn't have a license and a car. Though even then his parents probably wouldn't let him. It was weird being at his high school. It's weird when you experience a high school environment that isn't yours. Cause it's kind of exciting, but you know you don't belong. So you can be nostalgic, but you really can't participate cause you don't know any of the people.

Coxsackie was sooo boring. I've been over this. But I was meant to go to that school, not any of the bigger exciting ones like I had in Utah. So whatever, I should stop complaining.

Ugh, I wasted four hours today at the game and then another hour talking to Joe and now three hours writing this entry. I didn't get to write or read or watch TV today at all. Now I have to go to bed so I can wake up at 9. Fuck.

:(

My right nostril is plugged up. And my left scalp itches. In the same exact spot. Intensely. I forget what that means. Pretty much just some knowledge I need to get about other people and something I personally need to release.

But man, I've been talking about people and I've been releasing things. So it's like, 1 - what am I missing? and 2 - haven't I done enough for one night? ,)

Love. That's always the remedy. You need to love yourself more than anything. But after you begin to, you need to love other people. You need to have compassion for them. Perhaps this whole idea is concentrated, still, on how best to protect myself. And although I'm not close to being there yet, I need to realize that it's not just about me. Cause I'm not just about me. I'm not singular. I'm a part of the whole. And having compassion for other people is having compassion for the whole. So I have to heal myself and then heal my relationships with others.

I can't go around seeing people as enemies just because I know they don't like me. Other people mistakenly find me a snob and say that I have attitude and they bitch at me for things I don't deserve. Equally, I could be wrong about things that they do. They're not thinking about my side, nor am I thinking about their side and what it feels like to be them. And it's hard. I want to say NO. I want to say IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. But that's selfish. I have to have enough compassion to give THEM the benefit of the doubt. Because even though they can be difficult and cruel, that doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. You can't judge people by their worst, just as I said they shouldn't judge me by my worst.

My nose is only slightly less plugged but the itching stopped. So I guessssss that works for now. I'll meditate on it. :)