What is this shit with losing James? How do I feel about him? How do I feel about losing him? Why am I so attached to him?

Every reason I try to imagine that I could possibly be attached to James is so the antithesis of true. Like, it was secure being his friend. UM NO IT WASN'T. I knew from day one that he was going to ditch me again and it was only a matter of time before it happened. And now it has, 2 and a half months later. Right after I have sex with him. But that doesn't bother me in the least bit. If anything, sex is a reason Not to care.

He didn't give me anything. But maybe there is some safety and security in that. Maybe I liked it that he didn't care about me. It would have made me uncomfortable if he had. I have no friends. At least, no friends who I can have a friendship with. I don't see or talk to any of my friends.

So, for me, there are only two types of people, those who don't like me and.. James. Who didn't dislike me. I never got the sense that he disliked me. But I knew he didn't particularly care for me. And that was enough, I think.

I told James that all the girls liked him because he was so deficient in personality. And girls like to fill in the blanks. I know I did. Like I was attracted to what I thought was in James but just needed to be drawn out. But, I've seen the other side, I would hate to be Liz. I always thought I wanted to be Liz, but I can finally see why she wants other guys.

And now I feel really bad for James.

But the point is, that girls like him so much for his variable quality. He's x. And in their imagination, he can be anything. Sure he's shy, but WHAT is shy, that's the question. What needs to be drawn out?

And I don't dislike him now that I know more of what's inside than ever before. But it definitely is not what I imagined or wanted. He's not the type of guy I want to be with. But I think that this variable quality allowed me to feel, when I was around him that he appreciated me.

It was almost like, his lack of reaction, allowed me to be whoever I wanted to be. I didn't need to worry about connecting with him, cause he would have never done that. In a situation, with two personalities, the personalities need to connect. But they didn't with me and James. He just sat by as an observer while I did my thing. And I personally appreciate myself, so I just decided that he did too. I knew that he didn't dislike me as much as some people.

But he pretty much doesn't care about anybody. At all. He's essentially like me. I have nobody worth very much to me except Isis. He doesn't like connecting with people or expressing himself to people. And I thought that he was like that with everybody but Liz. But from what I hear, he's also like that with Liz to a certain degree.

So I knew enough that he didn't dislike me, and that gave me the freedom to Be without worrying about all that emotion discharge from other people. People sometimes have problems with me, and that's what I'm afraid of. Amelia always has problems with me, Loren had problems with me. People at work have problems with me. I mean, people emotionally react to other people, and I find that it's usually unhealthy, because generally emotions are unhealthy. Even if I had obsessive adoration like Justin does, that would be unhealthy and obnoxious.

But James didn't emotionally react. So I didn't have any of that nonsense. But it was more than that, because, he didn't want to connect with me and I knew it. And I liked it. It freaks me out when people like me and it freaks me out when people don't. James was just apathetic about me. I could like myself and not be paranoid that he didn't like me (while I was around him, though I was all the time when he wasn't there.) But I also didn't have to worry about making a connection with him. I didn't have to worry about becoming intimate with him. It just wasn't going to happen.

On the surface, I made it my goal to connect with him. But could I have chosen a more unlikely prospect? The truth is, a lot of people don't want to change. And James has these issues. Just because I wanted him to change does not give him a good enough reason to do it. If he doesn't have any problem with it, he's going to keep doing it. It was not a safe bet. But then again, for my subconscious, it was a safe bet, because it was a safe bet that he wouldn't want to connect with me. He doesn't even want to have sex with me a second time!!

I don't know why, but I don't look that bad naked, so I'm thinking he's got other reasons.

I want someone who cares for me, I want someone who loves me. But I have yet to see anyone who cares for me without a bunch of emotional discharge that I do not want to deal with. I mean, Mike lasted with me for five months or six months but WOW. The emotional discharge was psychotic. There is no fucking way I want to repeat that. With James? Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Nothing. He won't even express when he's angry at me. He expresses NOTHING. No happiness, no satisfaction, he tries not to even express desire or lust, no anger, no pleasure. Nothing. And it frustrated me. But because he was a variable, I could pretend that underneath the surface he was feeling whatever I wanted him to feel. And it was torture, of course. But it was, at least, the opposite of Felix and John. Fucking psychos.

I miss the simplicity of being in James's arms. Sure, I tried to complicate it with emotions and desire. And it frustrated me when he didn't respond. But that was because I wanted him to compromise for me. I wanted him to keep everything locked up, except what I wanted to see. I wanted to control him, regulate him. But he just kept on showing nothing. No response. He wants to get laid LESS than he wants to show his desire for sex.

People are too uncontrollable. The emotions are too uncontrollable. Andrew is the perfect example. I've been attracted to Andrew a few times over the past couple of years. But it seems like every time I try to be attracted to him, he freaks out over something and clashes with me so strongly. And I just can't handle that. I don't know what to do with it. Especially because he doesn't really care for me, AT ALL. So when his outbursts happen I just feel like he dislikes me so much. And that there's nothing I can do to remedy the situation.

This is what I'm going to miss about James. Not his value, because I'm going to be honest, he doesn't have any. He's not worthless in general, I'm not being mean about this, he's just worthless To Me. He's not what I want. Except in the fact that he has no aftertaste. There's none of that obnoxious emotional discharge. You know? The bad with the good. He didn't have any good, so he didn't have any bad. And I was content (though tortured) to just simply hang out with him. He kept me company. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with people. So here's my inbetween. James.

At least it was. It's no longer now. I wanted to have somebody sexy over to cuddle with me on my couch, in my living room. To get up and get a drink with me in my kitchen. And then to go sleep with me in my bed, and make it squeak a little. Someone to share the privacy and the independence with. Someone comforting and uncomplicated. Not erratic and insane.

How can I reason with myself that emotionally connecting with someone is a good plan? Seriously. The ONLY way I'll consent to do it, is if I have control of the situation. But I don't. I know that. I realized that with James. I just don't have control of other people. I didn't have control of Mike's discharge, that's for sure. But I probably had control of his positive emotions and I could win arguments. But GOD those months after we broke up. I could do NOTHING to curb those. Everything I said or did just made them all the more insane. I just pushed his buttons.

I can't go through that again. And who wants to have that disaster of emotion hit you from someone you loved? That's the worst place to get it from. And this is partly the reason I don't want to connect with people. I'm scared to have somebody care about me. I'm scared to have somebody like me. I don't feel that I deserve to be liked. I feel like I'm the designated scapegoat. I don't feel like it because people treat me that way, I feel like it's how it should be. That it makes sense for me to be the scapegoat for everybody. And people do use me as a scapegoat. Not that I'm the only one who gets blamed for things I didn't do. I think everybody uses other people to take the blame. Because people don't want to admit that everything that goes wrong in their lives is their fault, and their responsibility. Not anybody else's. And that's the emotional discharge I don't want to deal with.

Though I can see now that it shouldn't bother me as much as it does. And that if I stop accepting that I deserve to be blamed, I'll stop attracting people who are looking for someone to blame. And maybe I'll start attracting noncrazy people, who can see the reality of responsibility. There must be some out there. In general, I thought that was the stereotype for guys. Girls were the crazy ones who were always blaming everything on their boyfriends in hysterical voices and guys were the nonchalant ones who didn't really give a shit.

But guys have evolved. And they're very emotional now. And it's not pretty. The things they were suppressing... as a rogue psychologist, I can't recommend that anybody suppresses their emotions. It's very unhealthy. But jeezus, the things that come out of the guys who have stopped doing it.

I want some spiritual maturity. But I'm afraid of spiritual maturity. We went over this the other day. I'm afraid of having somebody keep me on my toes. If I have a spiritual inlet in every area of my life, I'll have no excuse for not being dedicated.

Ugh. Fuck.