So, James is gone again. And I don't really care. At first I cared because I wanted him to see my apartment. I mean, jeezus, I live alone for the first time, with all this freedom and independence. and I've got no friends to come visit me. No one to have sex with, without worrying about my parents. Even though they weren't there when I had sex with James. But, that could have happened enough times for us to get used to each other and make it enjoyable. Eat, sleep, shower (actually, that's not sexy, I use well water and there's sulfur in it, it's a very strong smell.) But, yeah, everything I can finally do with freedom, but there's no one to share it with. That's why I miss James. He was the person I expected to be able to share it with. But the day he said he was coming, I canceled because I invited my parents over for dinner. And I gave him like four other days to come over but he ignored my texts, and just kept doing that.

And I've now realized how much of a coward he is. I have given him every opportunity to comfortably be honest with me. And he just, won't. He's just too damn afraid to be honest. I told him, a couple months ago, that if he was going to ditch me again, he needs to tell me. Because I can handle him gone, but there's that period in between when I don't know that he's already decided to begin ignoring me. So I just keep texting.

I worked pretty much alone with Tim and Matt the other night. Usually we'd have other people there to mix up the dynamics. But it was Katie for most of the night and then just us. And Tim, who is 16, really likes to party. And he's impressed that I have my own apartment. So he was like, "party at Melinda's" (which is my new name.) And then he asked me seriously if I was alright with it, and I said sure, except my living room is messy... because I'm going through my boxes of papers and there are piles everywhere. But I didn't really care, it would only take a second to clean up.

So I really thought that Matt and Tim would come over... and drink, but I was trying not to think about the drinking part. And then I'd have someone see my apartment. But I guess Tim didn't think I was serious enough. Matt probably had had enough of us, I don't know. So they started talking about other places to party, and Matt ended up leaving early to go to New Jersey with Justin and Tim probably just went home.

Everybody at work parties a lot, apparently. But I have to say, that it makes sense. Because it's the only thing you can really do when you have the 2-10 shift. Go out and party afterwords.

I gotta look up the difference between afterward and afterwords.

Anyway, Tim is not my type, and he can't keep his mind on one girl for an entire minute. So when he said, "would you be my girlfriend? seriously." I reminded him about how he had already set up a date with the new girl at quiznos. Who is 17, and closer to his age. He's still in high school.

I pretty much think that everybody is 18 or older, when I meet them. And pretty much everybody thinks that I'm 16. I told you, it's because my hair is up. Nobody would think that if my hair was down.

People at work don't like long hair. But the customers do. Maybe some of them would prefer not to have my hair in their whipped cream, but when I'm careful, the customers admire my hair. The managers look at me like I'm the antichrist. Or something a smidgen less dramatic.

I had a bunch of friendds before Andrew's graduation party when I started hanging out with James. But, you know, I didn't like any of them. I told Garland and Cory and Stephanie to stop talking to me. I ignore Rob, Shawn and Felix's texts. Kristen and I have barely talked since she broke up with me. I guess I feel insecure. You dump someone and you're pretty much saying all kinds of subtext about how they're not good enough for you and you don't enjoy their company. Not like she's tried to hang out with me either. She mentioned going out for dinner and I said Okay! but she never mentioned it again.

Dan and I don't talk very much either, but I prefer it that way. We've done it all before. And I just have no desire to repeat any of it. It's old and tired. I want something fresh. Sometimes I still miss John's passion, but he's a complete maniac. And that's the thing... you want someone emotionally passionate. But usually people who are emotionally passionate, are just plain emotional. And that means that they're most likely pretty messed up. And John is.

Maegan asked me to hang out that one time but I told her I didn't drink, so she canceled. And then I canceled cause I was waiting for HMSHost to call me. Even though they didn't for another month, when I called them for the fifth time. Jerks. But anyway, Maegan is in the military. I don't know which one, actually. Airforce, I guess. So she's in Wyoming. And going to be there for a long time.

Jon and I arranged to hang out, I went to the pool he works at. But he got poison ivy or something and had to go to the hospital to get it checked out (he didn't know, at first, what he'd had an allergic reaction to). So we went to the pool anyway, but I didn't like it very much. It was cold and we were only there for about an hour before it closed. Amelia got out at work at 5, and we couldn't do it on weekends because Isis wasn't there. So I didn't see much point in going back. Although her and Chris went back another time.

$7 was a lot of money for something so stupid. And then Jon went back to college in Colorado. So now two of my best friends are over there, right next to Utah, where I used to live. Even though I wouldn't have known them if I'd stayed in Utah. But I'm kind of thinking that the midwest is where the party is at! Stephanie, my sister, is in Wyoming as well, I believe. She doesn't know where she's going to move because it depends on where they put him, doing pipe lines.

Andrew doesn't like me very much. James is gone. Though it's like, he doesn't have a lot of qualities I like, but I've always thought I liked him anyway, and I preferred having someone to think about, someone to enjoy hanging out with. We didn't Need to kiss again. We could have just hung out. I didn't even miss not having a boyfriend these past few months, because James fulfilled that role in the saddest way you could imagine, but it was enough for me. He didn't love me, he hardly liked me and he didn't ever compliment me, he pretty much only called me a bitch and a slut. But the cuddling fulfilled me. I like the tenderness of physical contact. It scares me to emotionally connect with someone anyway. And James is the last person that would ever happen with. Seriously.

So maybe my problem is, I don't like people who scare me. But it's hard to tell who scares me and who is just obnoxious. Cause most of the people I named are pretty obnoxious. And I made an effort to connect with the ones who weren't.

And maybe the other thing is that I know I can't live a lie. I need someone who is spiritually aware. I can pretend I'm who I'm not at work, for 40 hours a week, because it's a robotic job. It doesn't require personality. But for the rest of the week? I can't live a lie. I know I distract myself from the truth enough, that's why hanging out with James worked out fine. But he was also a mission in itself. A mystery of psychology that I wanted to discover and help out. But I've since learned that he's incurable. In the sense that, he has no interest in making an effort to change things. And now I've unraveled the mystery, and problems are only interesting when they can be solved. Because it feels good to solve problems. To be aware of stupid, stuck problems is not at all interesting.

But I liked hanging out with James damnet. I liked hanging out with him and his friends. And now I have nobody. And there are just oceans of superficial people out there. I know that there are thousands of spiritual people out there as well. But maybe I'm afraid that if I find one, that means that I have to be serious all the time. I can't get away with letting myself be distracted by tv shows and other superficial things. Finding someone to equal my spiritual awareness would leave me with no room for an excuse. So I probably prefer to attract superficial people like James. Simple people.

And thus, I've got myself stuck in a rut. Because I know in my heart that I can't relate, truly, to anybody without a spiritual awareness. But I want people who are superficial, to avoid my own responsibilities. So I attract people that are doomed to fail. And I can't just wait for the right people to show up at my door. I have to attract them. Life gives you what you ask for. And I know that so far, I haven't been asking for it. Except with my parents, of course. But now they're going to VA. Although I could go to, and doors would open up. I'd meet the spiritual people I want to meet.

But I have a yearly lease here, so I might as well make the best of it. Even though I don't really have anything here but Amelia and Isis, who seem a very small part of my life at the moment.

I know this sounds like the same entry I wrote a few days ago. With my depression. I can feel it all coming back. I was doing great with my apartment. Even liking it a bit. But then I had to move my computer so that I could write... I must win that laptop. The raffle is tomorrow. Jeezus, I've got to win it. And in any case, my apartment has been slightly less than satisfactory because of the setup. But I hope to fix it in the future.

It's just, being ignored by James has thrown me into "depression" again. I use quotations because my depression isn't really depression. Just, stillness. I want to be full of love and compassion and happiness. And instead, there's this stillness. A little bit of sadness. Emptiness.

A fly I killed a half an hour ago is trying to come back to life...

I have a bunch of things out from the library, and I'm using them to distract myself again. I've been sorting through papers, so I do that while I watch things.

I need to stop this. I need to start doing what's right for me.