So, Joe asked me out. I don't know that I'm ready to have a boyfriend. Ugh. Like, I realize that if I don't find a boyfriend at work, I'm not going to find it anywhere. You know? This is like my last chance, at least at this point in my life. I've had three semesters at Cogreene and I haven't so much as made one out of school friend. So even though there are plenty of "mature" attractive, available guys there, it just wasn't happening and I can't count on it. Nor do I want to wait until the spring.

But that's the thing... ugh.. I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to have to do it. I don't want to let someone in. It's like, I can talk to people when we don't know each other, because there's this distance between us. But when you're dating someone, you have such a raw connection. I can't put my metaphor into words. It's probably not even considered a metaphor. It's probably an analogy or a simile. To me, they're essentially the same thing. But in any case..

I'm used to being alone in my bubble and I like it that way. I mean, James didn't even know me that well.

Maybe I'm afraid, cause I let Mike experience the raw me and I trusted him so much and he betrayed me so much when we broke up.

But, in some ways, it's not so much that I'm afraid to let people know the real me. It's that I'm afraid to let people like the real me. And I'm afraid to like them. I'm afraid to have a connection because it can so easily be severed. And I don't want to go through that.

I know, it's kind of cliche. I got hurt. Now I'm scared to get hurt again. etc etc..

But it's not really like that. It's not that Mike hurt me, particularly. I mean, we were breaking up. Yeah, it wasn't pleasant but that's why it's a break up. He didn't just out of the blue tell me he had cheated on me and he wanted to break up with me. It was a mutual, drawn out break up.

Ugh. I just don't want to let people love me. I really, really, don't want to do it. And it gets to the point where I'm so repulsed by it that I don't even know if I'd otherwise like someone. I guess, ha, to be honest, I don't genuinly want to connect with anyone. Cause I'm afraid to. So when I do crush on people, it's usually for asthetic pleasures. Small, superficial things that please me. Cause I don't even want to connect with the "beautiful" people either. But if I'm not emotionally connecting, I have to get something out of it.

Even though I really haven't even been involved with anybody purely aesthetically pleasing. I mean, James is hot but he's extremely skinny and it's a turn off. I've never said so, cause there's really no reason to. He knows all the girls love him. But even though he's really tan and it's sexy, I don't quite like to see him naked. Like the difference between when he's wearing a pair of shorts and he takes them off and he's just in his boxers. I really want him to keep his pants on. :p

But that wasn't the point. The point is, I'm attracted to "pretty people". And it's shallow. But that's the point. Is I only want something shallow. But they don't want me. Maybe I'm not good looking enough for shallow people. :p Even though I secretly find myself beautiful. Depending on if I have my hair up or down.

Yeah. Face it. I'm vain and shallow.

I mean, I'm not. I wouldn't categorize myself as such. But mostly because I believe it to be wrong, so I feel guilty being that way. But I do have shallow compulsions that I try to hide. So I figure the best way to make them go away for good is to admit that I've got them. So yeah, I've got a lot of vanity and some shallow tendencies.

Aw. Damn, twice today I meant to tell about a customer I'd met. But I didn't end up doing it. Meh...

Joe told me he met Bam from Jackass. :p I got distracted from that. I think Bam is the one I find attractive.

I wish I could be like Katherine Heigel's character in Knocked Up. She's such a compassionate, accepting person. I'm too afraid to do it. Which reflects the fact that I'm too afraid to be compassionate and accepting of myself. And I'm too afraid that people won't be compassionate and accepting with me.

I'm not ugly. If I was, I don't know how I'd do it. I've had low self-esteem, of course. Cause I do have a quirky face and I was a little stocky after I hit puberty, it was mostly in my face and it wasn't flattering. But, I think I still thought myself pretty. Probably prettier than I was. Or, not.

Aesthetically, I was probably not as pretty as I wanted to be. I wanted a shallow beauty. But real beauty is something expressed in the face. Not what your nose looks like. But what your whole demeanor expresses. So, yes, I believe myself to be beautiful in that sense. Although I don't fully accept myself so when I see myself on video, I pretty much just find myself annoying.

But again, it's the same as how I seek beautiful people who I don't want to connect with. I want my own superficial beauty to be a distraction. Something easy that I can find satisfaction in, instead of digging deeper and working harder to accept myself. I avoid that pain and focus on the shallow aspects. So I try to make myself beautiful, and hope that it will represent me, and please other people. Instead of trying to express my true self, which I don't believe people will like.

And it's like, I know that I'm awesome. I know that I'm a fantastic person. More fantastic than anybody I know. I love being me. But, the thing is, I feel like I had to earn my worth. I feel like if I didn't have those qualities, I wouldn't have any worth. And that's wrong. We're inherently worthy, whether we believe it or not. And we don't have to prove it or earn it. It doesn't mean that we can be an asshole. It's not right to be an asshole. It just means that our worth comes from being God. And our goal is to express our God self. And your God self wouldn't be an asshole. Your God self wouldn't have any logical reason to. Because being an asshole only comes from a destructive, self-loathing, unhealthy mindset. It comes from not having compassion for life, for people, for God, for themselves. It comes from being afraid.

It comes from a lot of things, all of them unhealthy. So I don't do these things to be moralistic and "good" and earn my worth. I do it because it's natural. And naturally, I'm worthy. So I express myself and that gives me worth. Natural worth. And natural healthy, productive, compassionate behavior.

Do I sound like a dorky Christian? Ugh. I hate sounding like a goody goody. But it's not, to me. Because it's not something I try to be. It's just something I believe in. I believe in expressing truth. I believe in being healthy. I believe in being happy. And I do anything that I find healthy and happy and truthful.

It's nature for me.

So, about Joe. Ugh. I'm just not ready to love someone.

Like somehow someone at work mentioned that someone once asked how can you love if you've never hated before. And most of us said that that was stupid. To say that you can't know the meaning of love unless you've known the meaning of hate. Hate is the antithesis of love. It's less than love. It's small and weak and pathetic. And so, so, fearful. Why would you need to know weakness to know strength? Why would strength be defined by weakness in any way shape or form? I mean, in black and white terms, they're comparable as opposites. But only in definition. You know what I mean? Like, black doesn't make white. White is white is white is white. It's just white. But when call it white, when we identify it, when we describe it - we use black, the opposite, to define and label white. It doesn't need to be defined to exist.

So hate can tell us what love is not, but it can't tell us what love is. Thus, it doesn't take hate to let you know what love is.

But that's not the point. The point is that a few of us said that we didn't hate anybody. Which makes me happy, that people have that positive attitude, where they can find someone annoying or disagreeable but yeah, they know that they don't feel hate. Which is a strength, in my opinion. And a sense of peace. Hate is such a violent, disruptive, antiproductive, unhealthy emotion. It just does nothing but bring chaos and discord to the sense of being.

So anyway, I thought to myself - yeah, I don't hate anybody. But do I love anybody?

And how sad is that. I like to say that I love Isis, but I'm so clingy with her. I ask her for a hug and a kiss about ten times a day. Course, I don't see her everyday anymore.

But in any case. Part of my adoration for her is the fact that she's brilliant. She's a baby. She's happiness and joy. She's innocence and preciousness. It makes me happy. But do I love her? I want to control her. I want to make her love me. I'm dependent.

I don't love her the way I believe love should be. And it's because I don't love myself. I'm afraid to love anyone. I'm afraid to have anyone love me.

And I say this with a lot of straightforwardness and clarity. Because I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to change it. I'm ready to be able to say that I love myself. So I have to admit to and understand what's stopping me.

But I just don't think I could love Joe. I can talk to him. I can flirt with him. But I just don't know that I can connect with him. And I think he's a nice, honest person. It's not like I don't trust him. Cause that's not really the issue. I guess it's part of the issue. The issue is that I feel that I can't accept myself. And thus, I feel like nobody else would have a reason to accept me.

But I see people enjoy and accept me all the time. But there's still some emotional connection I'm lacking. Something I should be expressing that I'm not. I don't know how to put it in words. I'll have to meditate on it.

I should probably say yes to Joe. What's the worse that can happen? Ugh. I could get pregnant. :p But I really don't wnat to have sex. Guys suuuuuuuuuck. I have to stop pretending like any of them can give me what I want. They have a dick. I don't. What feels good for their dick obviously doesn't feel good for me, cause I don't have a dick. And they don't understand what feels good for me. So they don't do what I want, cause it doesn't benefit them and they don't understand how it benefits me. And sex is such a guy's activity. Intercourse is all about guys. They say that the clit is like a mini dick. But the clit doesn't even get stimulated during intercourse. That's like if there was some kind of sex that involved the balls but not the dick. I'm serious. That's exactly what it's like. Sure, it might feel a little bit good. But it's not hitting your button. Your dick gets you off. My clit gets me off. And intercourse isn't about my clit, but it is about your dick.


Ahah. I hate using those words. I use to say such blunt things and now I make myself blush. I don't mind the point that I'm getting across. I could talk about sex till the end of time, but the words feel a bit vulgar for me. I feel like an idiot using them in such an everyday context. That's the problem, I'm so blase about sex but the words are not blase and it feels word using them as such.


Anyway, back to my point. Girls rule and boys drool. Even though, I really don't particularly find that girls rule. So boys simply drool. Ok?
And that's why I don't want to waste my time having boy sex. I just don't know how to make it good sex. Because I'm actually considerate. Guys are just like --- hey, we get off. That's all I care about.

But I'm aware that things that get me off, have no benefit for him. And I feel bad asking someone to do something that brings them no pleasure. I mean, I, myself, don't give bjs. I know it gives them pleasure, but it doesn't benefit me in any way. So I have the same attitude. Although, at least if you're sucking on my boob - it's not, gross or anything. It's not like guys particularly DON'T want to suck on my boobs. They just don't seem to prefer to.

So crazy. I thought guys were obsessed with boobs. But they're not. They're obsessed with looking at them, apparently. But not touching them.

Not that I've had sex with a large amount of guys. So perhaps I'm just unfortunate enough to have the guys that don't.

Anyway, I'm kind of embarrassing myself. I don't know why. But it doesn't embarrass me to say that I'm embarrassed so that suits me.

So forget the sex. lol. But since that's the worst that could happen - pregnancy. And I'm pretending like I'm never going to have sex again. There's not much else to be afraid about.

I mean, yeah, I am afraid to be close to somebody. But who says I need to? Let's just take this one step at a time. And see where it goes. If we don't like it, we break up. Who cares?

But I have itchy eyes and headaches. Is this not the right decision?

Nooo. Screw it. Sometimes you have to have humility. And understand that it's important to listen. But sometimes you have to believe in your ability to know what's right, and you have to make independent decisions. It's a fine line.

Joe is nice. He wants to do it, I want company, there's no doubt about that. We've already got a million dates planned. We're going to the movies next Tuesday and we're going to fright fest or whatever at the great escape cause we have free tickets from work.

He's still in high school, though. I don't like that. He wants me to come to his football game tomorrow. He's 18, but he got held back a grade. I don't really care about that, it's just bothersome more than anything. But even though I work full time and he works half time because of school, I at least get to see him at work. That's good. Instead of being away from my friends and family for 40 hours, I get to see people I like during work. I like that idea.

He's also coming over to watch Madagascar. Cause he's never seen it. And I'm so excited, the second one comes out in October. Though it will probably suck. Cause Madagascar is classic. And it's hard to repeat classic stuff. I'll still enjoy the new movie, but I may not love it.

Weird how I can truly love the color green and nature and movies. But not people. But that's because I can love myself within nature. It doesn't judge me. And it is easy to admire people from afar, the way I do with tv shows or movies or whatever. So that makes sense. I could never love myself if I was a cast memeber in Friends. I wouldn't know how to belong to that group. They love each other. I wouldn't be able to let them love me. Even though I love them from afar.

Ugh. Fuck. So I want to be with Joe? Every time I get close to being with someone, I tell myself that they're not worthy. And it makes me really uncomfortable. It also makes me feel horrible. Like when you're a popular person at school and you know you just can't date the geek from the chess club cause he's not cool. Like that's how it feels. But I think I do it just because I'm scared and I want to have a reason to back out.

But as I said, it's hard to distinguish how I feel when my emotions are based on my fears. And it's unpleasant. I never feel any good emotions for people.

Shit.