I'm getting advice from my own book. It's kind of cute. The thing with my book, is that I like to think that the wisdom travels more or less straight from my Higher Self to my book. Tainted by my consciousness, of course. But originating with my Higher Self. So sometimes, although I know it to be true, I have yet to apply it to everything I do - to believe it in the "four lower bodies" as my parents would probably say.

My goal is to be reunited with my Higher Self. And many times, I do feel that union with my Higher Self. But frankly, I have not been in the best state of mind the past month. With the prospect of moving, the actual moving, and the thinking of James all the time. Though I think I'm done with that -I never thought sex would be closure, but it seems to be.

In any case. I'm dealing with these issues, and I read over paragraphs that I've written for my book and it's such good advice. And I need to listen and begin applying these things. You know? Moving into a new apartment, starting a new phase of your life, you can't - you don't want - to haul everything from your former life over, in the exact same condition it was. And I learned so much from the past few years, but now that I'm beginning a new life, I have a chance to apply it from the very beginning.

And that's important. Because wisdom comes sometimes in a solitary way. It's a quiet activity. But it's only worth how it helps you grow and helps you apply it to the action of life. I spent a lot of time working on my mental and psychological self. But the point of it, was so that I could be healthy in all the actions I take. So now I've made changes, and I need to realize that it's time to reflect those changes in my actions. Actions that I began at a younger age when I didn't know this stuff, or even lifetimes before. And now that I've grown wiser, I need to stop the habits and the mindless patterns and make decisions that reflect what I truly believe.

Consciously, you can believe something. As I do, after the wisdom comes through me and I realize it's exactly what I know to be true. But, subconsciously, there's an insecurity, a part of you that clings to old patterns. And I can't just sit back and let those patterns tell me how to act and what to do. I have to make the conscious effort to bring forth the wisdom I know to be true and apply it.

And maybe the stress of moving caused me to shut myself off from my higher self and retreat into the safety, the security of my subconscious and its patterns. Which is silly, of course, because what's most secure for me is my Higher Self. And that's why I've felt so blank and empty - trying to stunt intense emotional displeasure, because I know better than that. But having my emotional bliss stunted as well.

Though it's getting better. I'm getting happier with my apartment. I'm not so sure about the job, though. Actually, I think I have less optimism. And I miss going to school. Cause even though I was around people, I was alone as well. Alone in the confines of my mind, my intellect, my wisdom. Things that I didn't think anybody would care to know or even understand so I just kept them to myself, but they're so important I can't leave them alone in there, so I stay with them, and isolate myself from my peers --- not that I have had any great opportunities to socialize. But, maybe that's a reflection of my already-made decision to not socialize.

In any case, I miss walking the halls like a ghost. In my own world, inside the social world. It was comforting. I liked it. I was stressed with the academic world, though. But it also provoked me to think about how I see things. Everything, EVERYTHING there was lacking. But anything smaller than infinity is lacking. Anything with limitations is lacking the unlimitidness of Truth, of God. So, although I enjoy what I have to say because it a progressive tone, it too, is lacking... and for someone more progressive than I, it may seem slow.

Still, I am earnestly trying to win a laptop at the raffle thing they have at my work. It's in a few days. And I seriously am using all of my Will and Power to make it happen. Rather, I'm trying to utilize the resources I know to be there, but have yet to seize and activate. And I'm afraid to say that it's so, because of my pride and my vanity if I don't win. But I'm trying to also cure my pride and vanity, because it's not very useful, since it doesn't let me love myself. It really only brings me fear and shame.

But I have to stop chattering on because I have to leave for work in a half an hour and I still have to shower.