There's still some issue. I can tell.

I'm attracting this bossiness at work and then I defy it and they get pissed off and suddenly I'm a bitch and I've gotten tattle-tailed on to a manager three times already. Possibly four, but I couldn't be sure. Cause David went back there and Pam asked me later if everything was alright, and I suspected that it was linked with something David said. But I may just be paranoid.

But it's the same thing with this car issue. But it's like, I am ignoring it the way I always should have with Amelia and Loren. This preference thing. It's not about rules, laws, safety. It's just about preference. I follow the rules. And if I bend them, I do it discreetly. Like the rule is you can't have your cell phone - specifically because you can't pull it out in front of customers. I don't do that. But I do check my cell phone once in a blue moon when I'm in the back, where customers can't see me. It's stuff like that. I bend the rules, but only slightly.

But most of the bitching has been about preference. And I feel stressed only because they tell the managers. I don't care what the people I work with think about me. I mean I get along with all of them but Bryan, even though I've had a little tiff with the majority of them. But I don't care if they're pissed off because I won't listen to them. But they care. And they care so much that they're not going to let it go. I let it go and move on in a flash. They go and tell managers or call me a bitch behind my back or complain to other people.

And yes, I am scared that they'll tell the managers. It makes my heart jump when I know they're on their way over there. But it's because, I work hard. I simply do. I don't slack off. I'm always doing things, always learning things. I'm always busy doing what I can. A lot of people just stay on register or just simply make the hot drinks and they don't refill ice or do prep or fill pastries when they have time. They just sit there and wait for another customer or another drink. I don't do that. I'm not the only one, there are some who work hard as well. but my point is, the managers are going to think that I'm just a slacker who doesn't do anything and doesn't listen to directions because that's what people do when they don't get their way, they try to make it justifiable. So they go to the managers and make it sound less like I'm simply not adhering to their preferences and more like I should be fired.

And I don't know if I'm afraid to get fired. I guess I am. Not realistically, per se. but I fear this authority figure issue that I dealt with when I got my tickets. I fear being judged incorrectly and held responsible for it. I feel like people won't see the truth. And they're not, you know? But as I said, I don't care about the people I work with. I care about those who can make it count. The managers. And I just want to appeal to them.

Of what they've seen of me, I would imagine that all of them but Donna finds me goodnatured, smiley, agreeable, polite, a quick learner. And when Rick came and talked to me because of Brian and Justin complaining about me, I felt as I was talking to him that there was no way he could incorrectly judge me. I'm such a sweetie. I play such an innocent. I'm so ditzy, always getting hurt and playing a bit of a dumb blonde, actually. There's no way that he knew of my attitude. I think that's what I'm afraid of. Because I have an attitude, but I use it to defend myself. I use it to stand up for myself. I use it to have an independent will. And people don't understand that because they don't respect my right to do so. They want to tell me how think, how to act, what to do. They want me to hate myself or feel bad about my choices. They want me to prefer to do things their way.

So they see my attitude as something bad. And I know that I have a right to defend myself, to stand up for myself and to have independent opinions and decisions. In a job, you have to follow the rules. I do. But other than that, I'm going to do things my way. And nobody is going to stop me. And I don't want to not get along with people.

When Tim and Ashley told Donna on me and then Donna ordered me to go on register, I was extremely resentful. Extremely. Not even Matt could make me smile. But Ashley said a couple things, like, whew, the line has gone down. Just little things to make conversation. And she's always been really nice to me. And when Tim told her to try to make me get back on register she said something about not wanting to be a bitch or not wanting to start shit. And she's black, she loves starting shit and having an attitude. So for whatever reason she didn't want to bring about that situation, I couldn't help but forgive her. In otherwise, she didn't hold any resentment even though I had abandoned her on register (to do more important things, I might add, but she didn't see it that way).

So I forgave her and we had a really fun time. After Tim left. Cause I didn't quite forgive him. He's kind of immature. And he kind of wants to date me. But he's girl crazy so it's not really flattering.

I want to get along with people. I want to have compassion for them. I guess, I can try to communicate with them more than give them attitude or blow them off. I did almost do that with Justin. I was writing my name on my enevelope for receipts and voids and stuff and he was like DON'T DO THAT NOW. And I kept doing it and he kept telling me to not do it, to get coffee for Ashley on register. And I was like, NOBODY HAS ASKED FOR COFFEE YET. IF THEY DO, I'LL GET IT. BUT THEY HAVEN'T, SO I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS UNTIL THEY DO. But I said it in a strict, but calm voice. And I felt a triumph. Like I had explained it so logically that it made him sound dumb, like he was overreacting.

I don't want him to sound dumb. But I think when you use attitude, it suddenly gets personal. Like that one time with David and the empty garbage box. I won't go into it. But suffice it to say that by the end of it, it was no longer about the box, it was about being right.

After another stupid tiff with David, I told him that if he didn't lay off I was going to go tell the managers that he was using Justin's register which is a big no no, because if money gets stolen, they won't be able to blame Justin when he says, well, David kept using it. So that would be a messy situation. They'd probably both just get fired. So he laid off after that, which I was surprised at. And then he left a comment on my facebook pic that said that I didn't look so mean in the pic. Like I'm mean in real life. Which makes me laugh. Cause I'm not mean. But if he thinks that, that means he's afraid of me. Which I honestly wouldn't think that he would be. I thought it was a longshot telling him that I was going to tattle tale on him. But he was being ridiculously condescending and self-righteous for someone who was meanwhile breaking a huge rule. When I wasn't doing anything wrong at all.

So I don't know. I'll try the communication thing. Cause I know that I'm attracting this behavior for a reason. I know that they feel they can act out this way with me, like it's an opportunity to do so. And I have to stop sending out those signals. But this manager thing, I mean, I practice speeches a lot. I just talk to myself. And it happens when I get in fights with people and I don't say what I wanted to say, so I repeat it over and over again to myself in various ways, using up the time before I can see them again and say my whole speech. And I never do. So I basically just obsess about it constantly and then never get it out.

And I did that after Bryan told Rick on me. And I planned to speak to Bryan and I planned to speak to Rick and I planned to say so much, in so many different ways. But I never did. But Bryan is still bossing me around and I'm still blowing him off. It wouldn't surprise me if he told on me again.

By the way, the guy whose name I couldn't remember is Joe. He called but I didn't have my cell phone with me so he left a message and he said, It's Joe. So that was my clue. Ha.

I had a dream about him, I think. I've had the past two days off so I haven't seen any of them, but I feel like I had a dream that I made out with him or someone at work.

I also had a dream that I moved into this apartment complex but like we each had our own bedroom but the kitchen was public. So it was more like a dorm or like roommates. Only, I expected to get like a whole apartment to myself. But it wasn't. I don't remember what it was about. But it had a funky story behind what I was doing there. And the dream was really long and had other funkiness, though I actually liked it. Something about ruins or someplace I was hanging out. I don't know. It's hard to put into words a vibration. I feel the place, I feel the dream, I feel the meaning, but I can't describe it - can't put into words the coherency of the dream.

All I know is that it doesn't give me a good feeling when I think of the apartment complex. And personally, I don't see why I should be dreaming about apartments when that shit is settled. I'm here. I like it here. I have a one year lease. No need to fancify (I made that word up) another whole apartment.

So, I'm working hard on my book. I've lost track of the hours but probably 20 hours this past week. Not that it's all strictly writing. A lot of it is reading and organizing and planning. But although part of me feels that I'm procrastinating and wasting time in doing so, I also know that a lot of it actually needs to be done and if not now then when?

I think the difference is, when I organize but it doesn't get me anywhere. Like it doesn't make me move forward, I just end up shifting things around a whole bunch, that's when it's a waste. But this time I'm organizing things to help clear my head, to wrap my mind around what I've got before me and what I need to do and how I need to shape it. I'm borrowing my dad's laptop since I didn't win that one at the raffle. I'm disappointed because it's amazing how much I've gotten done since I started using the laptop.

It's just kind of an attitude, a fresh start. A mobility, I think. My laptop is so large and full of junk and connected to the internet and it has a sense of all my old habits - just sitting here watching movies and fucking around on my computer. It's just bogged down with that crap. And I feel bogged down when I'm sitting at it. But using my dad's laptop, being able to move around on the couch and have it sitting on my lap or me sitting in the kitchen. It's an activity. I feel that my brain is moving because my body is moving and my place is moving.

Sitting on my bed. With my computer in the exact same spot, as I said, it wreaks of old habits, of suck lack of mobility. Just sloth. Of course, my desktop isn't even there anymore cause I'm in a new place and it's in front of the couch on a little table, not by my bed. But I can't sit back on the couch and relax and I can't lay down or move around. I'm pretty much stuck. And it's ugly, I don't want it here, but there's no where else to put it if I have to use it.

My dad moves in less than a month, so I can't keep his laptop forever. He says to buy one at the after-thanksgiving sale thing. But I would have to wait another month and a half after he leaves for the laptop. And I need one IN that month and a half to work on my book. It makes me want to work my ass off this month and get it all done now.

I have 1,500 more journal entries to sort through. And they are 8pt font. It would surely be 2,500 if it was 12 pt font. So it's pretty intense. But important, never the less. Since at least half of my book is going to be about my personal application of the philosophies I believe in.

I have another 150 of stuff that I wrote outside of my journal. Stuff specifically for my book. But that's 12 pt font. So that would be about, maybe 70 at 8 pt font. So that's closer to being done than my journal entries, which are full of crap more than anything. I like to think of the 8pt font crap as my goal to get rid of. Like I want the number to go down. That's actually why I put them at 8pt font, because I couldn't stand having 2,000 pages to go through. So I shrunk the size so that it would be more bearable to believe I only had 1,000 left.

Contrariwise, I made my book bigger in font so that I could feel more optimistic about how much I'd written for it. But it's not in consecutive order in the least bit. Cause I haven't known what the consecutive order will be and it's not so much a sense of plot, so I can't just do it chapter by chapter. It's an interwoven representation of reality, of themes and ideas. So it could really be in any order, and I'm not sure what order I want it to be in yet.

So I'm just trying to organize the themes and maybe try making each theme a chapter and piece it together.

But I have to sleeeeeeeep now cause I have work in seven hours or something.