I hate having my parents around but I always feel a little unsettled as soon as they leave. I don't know exactly why. They've gone to Colombia for three weeks. I have to go to school tomorrow to write an in-class essay response to a play. And then I have a nice little exam for Forensic Science next Tuesday. And then I'm positively done. Except this unfortunate business with Figure Drawing. *sigh*. Sad stuff...

I'd say I have a month of vacation. I'm not sure what exact day classes begin again.. about this time in January. When am I going to finish my book? When am I going to dedicate time to it, I should say.. It deserves it. Last night I read my philosophy report from last semester. It was amazing. I had been bombarded with SCIENCE. Strangely, like really strange is that I'm taking a science class this semester but I don't feel that bombardment of the science mindset.

I guess I'm used to the practical science. I've grown up with it in school. But last semester, from taking psychology and philosophy, I grew to know the scientific mindset. As far as I'm concerned, getting to know your personality, solving your problems, thinking and pondering the idea of the mental - as psychology can be, has nothing to do with science. But I learned that psychologists are very structured and philosophers - western, in any case, are also very attached to scientific proof. I always thought that philosophers were nothing but words and thoughts and questions and perception. I thought that they were trying to ponder the biggest questions of the world.

Perhaps, because I've grown up in a Spiritual household, I naturally believe that those huge questions cannot be answered with science. Or less that science does not have something to do with it and more that I assumed the scope was larger than science. Spiritual questions surely have spiritual answers, right? But western philosophy really tries to drag metaphysics into a little corral. And anything that doesn't fit is ignored and anything that does fit is confined to proof and rationality - or a particular version of rationality anyway.

Anyway, the point is, I was surprised but it had a greater effect on me, because I tried to adjust. I said, well, if I want to fit in with this crowd, I have to attempt to be like them. I have to try to fit into their scheme of things. It put a lot of pressure on me, self-inflicted of course. And that's the cloud that was hanging over my head last semester. It brought me to speak in a clear, professional, rational manner. And that's what I'm impressed about. I do think it's quite worn off by now. I think I wanted to have that for my book. Not the limits of the scientific mind but perhaps just the organization. The idea of being very coherent and logical. Sometimes I get carried away in my writing and I go on lots and lots of tangents and I'm sure I'm very difficult to follow much of the time.

But I bring this up because there's hope, I'm taking another psychology class and another philosophy class with the same two teachers I had last semester. Even though it will be Eastern philosophy this time and that's definitely different. But if I can push myself to concentrate on my book, I can keep that professional, organized tone. Instead of my loose, lazy, whatever tone.

Although, I have to say that I may not have lost all of it - perhaps I just haven't put any effort into the topic with which I would use the organized thought-processes. For instance, I don't use them here, I just say what comes to mind. There need not be a structure. But even though my essays in English were about stories and the like, and were therefore not about being convincing. What was the main point last semester - being convincing. Science needs So Much Convincing. That's probably what keeps it prestige. They can't allow any old thing in their realms. Too bad, cause they miss out on a lot of wisdom just because it doesn't fit the bill.

But in any case, I was referring to the essays I'd done this semester because after an intro to one of the essays I did, my professor wrote that the readers automatically trusted my perspective after the intro. Meaning, my way of speaking showed confidence and intelligence in a way that led my audience to believe in what I was saying. Trust it. That's essentially saying exactly what I said was nice about last semester. So perhaps I haven't lost it all. But I haven't written about such innovative and astounding topics as last semester.

I'll have my first four years of college out of the way by the time I'm 20. Actually, I have no idea where I'm transferring but I might not be done until May of whatever year, which would technically mean I'd be turning 21 of that very same month. But it's still nice... if I took summer classes - which I would if only the grants would pay for it, then I would be done by the May that I turned 20.

Yes, I wonder when Isis will wake up... She's a hassle. I like to stay in my room when I babysit her but damnet she gets into everything. I have puzzle pieces all over my floor. I feel slightly frustrated at the prospect of playing with her, knowing that all the toys are probably boring her to death. They're boring me to death. I feel more satisfied teaching her the words "hot" "grandpa" "cracker" "just kidding" and all those things she's learning how to say these days. I'm really trying to teach her the word "please" but she hasn't taken to it yet.

But the point is, when I know she will wake up sooner or later, I can't sit down and do anything. I don't want to get involved in reading and watching a movie or whatnot because then she'll interrupt me. It's almost like I'd prefer to babysit her now and get it out of the way so I can be relaxed and free to do what I want. But with her naptime, it doesn't work that way. But Amelia will probably be home shortly after Isis awakes. I just have to feed her dinner. I could do it now but I have to go to the basement and it's cooooold.