[01:43] IAMSpartacus117: good. I began another one. Now I'm in the middle of five books.
[01:43] BizZyTheKiD1030: wow
[01:44] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah I don't know. It's unsatisfactory to finish one book and you want to feel like you accomplished a lot for all your hard work but you've only got one single book on your record, at least for the time being.
[01:45] IAMSpartacus117: I think I'm eager to put good time into all these books and then in one saturday afternoon finish them all up and have a good lot of things to be proud of at once.
[01:45] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea
[01:46] IAMSpartacus117: I'm very goal oriented. I love reading but I can't just swim in an endless ocean. It makes me feel disoriented. So I have to have an end in sight, something to work for.

[01:50] IAMSpartacus117: you know that I can recite a 108 line poem.
[01:50] BizZyTheKiD1030: thats impressive
[01:50] IAMSpartacus117: I am quite impressive sometimes. :p
[01:50] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea, you are
[01:51] IAMSpartacus117: a lot of the time I abstain from doing things when I fear that I won't be impressive at all and I don't want that on my record.
[01:51] IAMSpartacus117: I'm very vain.
[01:51] BizZyTheKiD1030: i see...
[01:52] IAMSpartacus117: yes I've always been quite a chickenshit.
[01:52] BizZyTheKiD1030: lol
[01:53] IAMSpartacus117: I can't figure out if I like to sleep alone or not.
[01:54] BizZyTheKiD1030: i dont like to sleep alone
[01:54] IAMSpartacus117: because I think it's delightful to sleep with someone else but I also find that I've spent so much solitary time, with my own privacy, without having to worry about my vanity because there was no one there to observe me. Having someone there puts me ill at ease.
[01:55] IAMSpartacus117: But I suppose if I had a sleeping partner it would be somebody I trusted and loved and that might make it easier.
[01:56] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea
[01:58] IAMSpartacus117: All the time when I'm alone I wish I had some affection and comfort. But in my head, it's more like I wish for a body, a doll if you will. Something more in theory. Because when I actually have company I'm too aware that they're conscious and that wasn't how they were in my head.
[01:58] IAMSpartacus117: I feel kind of invaded by their consciousness.
[01:59] BizZyTheKiD1030: understandable
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: yes.
[02:03] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know what I want from people. It's clear that I'm not lonely. I prefer to have my own space. I feel trapped in the presence of others. But like I said, I long for affection and company. I guess it all comes from Mike. Before him I tried to have good relationships with friends and other guys but until him I didn't have someone I really trusted there with my all the time. So then afterwards in a kind of childish way I decided not to waste my time with what couldn't compare to the intimacy I had with Mike. But to be honest, he was kind of empty of personality. He had a little bit of stubborness and a lot of childishness but he was, in essence, a lot like the doll I picture in my head. Someone to play with but not someone to worry about. He wasn't necessarily obediant but I was the dominating personality and I would have ot be really in love to have it any other way.
[02:03] IAMSpartacus117: Now I'm just all messed up, spent too much time alone, too much time in control -- I can't afford to share my control with anyone else.

Now Mike has become the representation for what kind of relationship I want. Something that won't invade my privacy. In essence, a consciousness I can suppress. I don't mind being joined at the hip as long as I can still have control of my sense of balance and unfortunately at the expense of whoever I'm dating. Now all this time alone, with that picture in my mind, I've not been set up for a balanced relationship mindset.

[02:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: is that why you get sick of me easily
[02:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: because i like to be in control as well
[02:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: and you dont want that
[02:04] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know what you're talking about, do I get sick of you easily?
[02:05] BizZyTheKiD1030: well i mean, like getting on your nerves
[02:05] BizZyTheKiD1030: aside from my childlike actions
[02:07] IAMSpartacus117: I realized when you were here that you were not the obedient doll for me to play with. you have too many of your own wants and the enthusiasm to make them happen. I was slightly frustrated with it. however, I can afford to let go of my dictating personality and resolve not to control someone else, but what I can't afford is to let someone control me. And until you realize that your wants may conflict with my needs and that it's selfish not to understand that, you will easily get on my nerves.
[02:07] BizZyTheKiD1030: hm