Aw, the other day I was talking to John about driving around and getting lost in a hypothetical "let's drive around and get lost" way. And he said, but it wouldn't be bad if I were with you. Meaning, he wouldn't mind getting lost with me for company.

And then I was telling Kristen how small my car is in warning for when I pick her up. And how two's a crowd in there. And she said, it's good I like you. Meaning, she likes being in close quarters with me.

They were both two unexpected comments. And they made me smile.

Want to know a secret? Things have never been purely platonic with Kristen and I. I have to admit, I'm less bi than she is. She'd be a better lesbian. But she's made advancements since the very beginning. And then we dated for a few months. I would say at least seven months. But she was also dating Kyle during that time so I recognized that we weren't very serious, even though I knew that she did like me.

As for the way I felt? I think I had some good times with her but I honestly think I've come to appreciate her more after our fight that essentially broke our relationship as well as our friendship. After we became friends again. I suppose in the spring of this year. That's when I think we understood each other more, bonded. Even though we haven't spent a lot of time together. I like our conversations and such. And she gives me a lot of support. I want to say flattery but it's not as flimsy as flattery. It's more or less appreciation. She values things in my personality that make me trust her. The type of things people value show a lot about what they value in themselves or what their goals are.

As for being in love? I don't know that I've been in love with any girl besides Shannon. It's mostly just lust for the femininity on my part. I think it's more than that for Kristen. Which is why I was grateful that she wasn't too serious when she had Kyle. Her advancements have always put a little pressure on me.

The reason I mention it is that we're hanging out on Saturday and I can't wait cause I honestly value our friendship. The time spent with her is warm and comforting. Even with the pressure. I never trusted Shannon, not in the least. Our relationship was cold but slightly exciting. And I didn't always like Nicole. I wanted to like her, as a friend, I know it's hard to tell when I'm talking friendship or romance. I wanted to like Nicole but I guess there were a couple irritating qualities within her that kept me at a distance. I couldn't be completely sincere in my friendship towards her. And those are the only three female friends I've really had since I moved to New York.

I suppose you could say that Maegan is another. I've only spent a small amount of time with her outside of school. And I do love her dearly as well. But because of Jay, I have terrible aversions to being with her. And even though I like her, it's almost like I can't expect us to have very much to do or talk about. So I'm not excited to hang out with her, really. Maegan has never been by but I guess she has lust for females too. Or lust for me, ha, I'm not sure I know of any other females she's been attracted to. She's just always - well, she fingered me at my New Years Eve party, need I say more?

I suppose Nicole is the only strictly platonic friend I've had in the past five years. Although Maegan and I have never had any romantic feelings for each other so that lack of emotion makes us pretty platonic.

I never talk about girls, do I? Except my family. And I'm sure I bitch about one girl or another. Shannon or Lyla or somebody horrible. All my friends have been boys, and I've either had a fling, a relationship or just a make out session with I do suppose all of them. I do get around don't I. lol.

It's just kind of intriguing. When I talk with John, I know that underlying everything we say is our attraction to each other. AHAH. I just thought of someone I didn't get involved with. Well, I've kissed James a few times but not made out. And I've been topless in his arms but I think I simply fell asleep. He's been attracted to me but not enough to want to do anything with me, even when I invited him in my bed. hmmm.. and then there's Andrew. He asked me out but I said no. And I seriously haven't kissed him or anything. And then there's Joe but I never spent any time with Joe when we weren't with Mike or somebody. We talked online a bit but that was it.

Moving back to underlying feelings though. I think I feel it more with John because I'm more attracted to guys than girls but I'm slightly amused that Kristen and I have something of the sort as well. I told her she was more mature than John and lack of maturity was a thing that kept me from falling in love with John, so she asked me if I could fall in love with her then.

And I always think that we're mere friends, as I try to suppose with boys as well. But as with boys, it almost never turns out to be that way. I would believe modest things like, it's unlikely Kristen would fall in love with me again. But you never can tell with bees. In other words, people often surprise me. It's no use trying to be modest. It's not really a matter of modesty anyway. I just neither like to expect people to fall in love with me. Sometimes I do and it doesn't happen and I feel dumb.

Funny thing is, I was thinking after Kristen and I made our date that the last time we made out was kind of hot. Kristen isn't the type of person to have sex with. She seems reluctant to be that intimate with anyone. I sort of noticed it between her and Kyle and when we were dating and we made out, she cut it short. Like I can make out for hours and hours, till all the saliva is sucked out of my mouth (just wanted to paint a sexy picture) but it was almost like she wanted the kisses but not that "getting lost in passion" way of being with someone that often happens when you're making out and etc.

So that's something to keep in mind. But it still turns me on kissing her. It's just sexy kissing girls for the mere fact that they're female. Just the knowledge of their sex is enticing and exciting. And by sex I do mean their hormones, not the sex between their legs. Cause that doesn't really interest me. I must not like my own very much, since I don't really want any more of it. I love my boobs, that's one of the reasons I love others boobs. Or perhaps I loved others boobs and then began loving my boobs. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I have this way of never getting to the point, don't I? I always have to give such elaborate background detail so you'll fully and I do mean FULLY understand my point, right?

The original sentence that was probably ten words but was broken into about 20 paragraphs... was trying to simply portray that I had previously thought about it in a hypothetical, what if? As in, what if her and I kissed? Would that be so terrible? I think just about every single time we've been together she's made an advance of some sort, has anything changed? And although I shouldn't imagine it would go anywhere romantically, I think I would be willing to share some kisses with her, even though I'm tremendously shy.

I've been thinking the same thoughts about John. It strikes me how similar the cases are. I mean, Kristen wanted me when she had Kyle. She simply decided to make me her second girlfriend and Kyle had no choice but to comply. He's a strange duck. Kristen has underlying feelings for me that keep us from having a purely platonic friendship, just as all the others, most especially John. But Dan as well, although they aren't underlying because we both broadcast them pretty openly. John and I are dodgy about it. As I felt, after Kristen asked me if I would fall in love with her, we were.

And now I'm willing to just invite them both over and mess around a little for lusts sake, and not take it any further. The funny thing is, I'm so threatened by the entire situation with John. I'm peeved, I'm suspicious, I'm irascible. It's because I'm a chick and he's a guy. And I feel the threat of old patterns of women being played with by guys. I don't want to be a mistress. I wasn't a mistress with Kristen. It's odd because it was so close to being the exact same circumstances besides the sex of the persons. But it's somehow different.

Like I said, old patterns of women being played with by men. I don't want to be played with. I don't want any guy to believe he's had the upper hand. It's almost like, I'm afraid that I'll fall into that unfair position that men have always put women in. I'm not afraid that I can't handle myself. I don't think that John could get the upper hand on me. Depending on how you look at it, not many guys could. Sometimes what I want happens to be a situation that makes it seem like I'm at an unfair advantage. And my only problem is, as a woman, I might subject myself to that without a thought because I don't expect anything better.

I don't know. For the record, women playing games with men is just as disgusting. It's just not a cliche or repeated. It's a pattern with men. Believe me, I just took Western Civilization. 2750 B.C.E. I don't even know what the E stands for. But for at least that many years women have been dominated by men. Wow, that's a gigantic pattern. And to be fair, well, we move throughout our lifetimes as women and men. I could have been a man in a past lifetime. So it's not always personal to the soul as much as it is the role that we fall into. We're born and our hormones and our gender identity and our society provoke us to follow a pattern of behavior specific to what sex we are. And that pattern just sucks for women. It's as simply as that.

I think when I was younger I fell prey to guys. 11 or 12. And even in some aspects with Dave at 13 and possibly 14. But once I grew into my personality, unified my will and such, I became... unstoppable by the hand of men. I could never be suppressed by a guy. I'm not the least bit worried about the strength of my femininity in any situation. Sometimes I worry about my physical strength, cause that's the only upper hand any guy has on me. But I'll just have to do my best. Though, I think the strength of the personality is ten times more ferocious than a blow.
It's just interested, that I don't feel cheated by Kristen. I don't feel threatened by her. It's almost like, I don't want John or any other guy to feel the satisfaction of knowing he used me. I'm not worried about my own feelings, as much as his feelings. I don't want to allow a man to believe that he's gotten his way, that he's had the best of me, or been able to abuse me. I won't give him that pleasure or satisfaction or pathetic reliability on the weakness of women to contrast his strength and power. I don't know what motivates them to do it.

It's funny. I don't think of myself as a female. It's not really part of my identity. Perhaps because I've spent so much time learning about gender neutral parts of my psyche. I've delved into themes and beliefs and thoughts that have nothing to do with gender. Gender is more about society and the way we appear to others. The qualities that we portray are sometimes squeezed into the rules of our gender. Or perhaps I should say roles of our gender. Perhaps we play the part. I know guys do.

A woman may be fierce and strong but because of her gender, she may portray herself as delicate and recessive. She may act the part, even though without the gender, if we could experience the psyches away from the physical world, in a metaphysical realm, would we at all be able to tell the difference between men and women? I don't think so.

I suppose I can leave it on that note. I wear make up and skirts and I have long hair and I have little physical strength and a somewhat soft, high voice. But I don't associate my personality with my gender. Gender is a bit of an illusion in my book. My personality is bigger than the confines of gender. And I'm insulted, my personality, my strong will, my stubbornness and selfishness is insulted that just because of these gender roles, mens' personalities think they can get the better of me. As if.

Impossible, I say. And no amount of looking in the mirror and recognizing I'm female can change that.