I realize that I'm lonely. At least I think that's why I want John to come over so badly. I first wanted him to come for passions sake. I was horny. But that's the reason he wouldn't come over because he's involved with Lyla and passion would only bring trouble. And I was desperate. Up until that point I hadn't been willing to make the decision not to mess around with him. The only way I could prevent it from happening is to not hang out at all because I didn't want to have to keep myself from it should the opportunity arise. But then I got desperate and decided I'd do anything just to have him come over. I want him to meet Isis and watch Monk with me. Even though when the time comes I'll still want to make out.

And then I was thinking to myself, why does it matter if we make out? Who cares if he cheats on Lyla? As long as I don't expect him to dump her for me, because he won't, then why should it matter if we kiss a little?? Desperation was asking me to haggle, to get what I want. Which seems to be company. I guess without company I'm pretty much okay but to have company at least in a hypothetical way, because we planned to hang out tomorrow and then to have it taken away from me - it makes me feel at a loss. I want to hang out with him. :(