I have to stop sorting my music and READ. I haven't read a single thing in like two weeks. Weird how that happens. You'd think, since I have the time, I'd be all over that. But, I'm not...

A lot of it is this music. I've probably spent 24 whole hours sorting this stuff. No joke. Well, more than that. But in the past two days it's been about 20 hours. I'm like that, I can do one activity for hours at a time, with little pause. Especially when it comes to accomplishment. When I do a puzzle, each piece fitted together is an accomplishment and the entire puzzle being fitted together is a bigger accomplishment. When I read, I make small goals - to a certain chapter or half way through the book and then entirely finished, and then I even have a goal to have a certain amount of books finished. Those are all accomplishments.

Now, as I'm sorting my music... it's all for the better goal of having it completed, organized, perfect. It's nice. My music has been so chaotic for the past few years. It's got to stop. I can do something about it now because I have more space on my new computer. I used to only have 30Gb. That got me NO WHERE. Now I have pretty much put 130 mp3 CDs full of music on my computer. In other words, 15,000 songs? That's my guess. At one point I put it all on an iTunes playlist. It was 40 days worth of songs. I'm constantly downloading new songs and erasing songs because at this point they're sorted into separate folders based on genre or preference and that makes doubles. I could put them all in the same damn folder but the folder would be lagging and harder to sort in the end, so I'd prefer to take it slower, searching for the doubles in separate folders.

It's a huge project. But I've got the time, and the patience. And my music won't disturb anyone while my parents are gone so that's helpful. Plus I have lots of CDs and DVDs to burn the music onto in the end. After it's all sorted. I'm actually very nearly out of space. I have 120Gb on this computer. Actually, I have another hard drive that I've been meaning to put in this computer but I haven't got around to it. So once that's in I won't have any problems. I could keep all of the music on my computer if I wanted to. However, I don't.

I really haven't been saying as much as I'd like lately. I feel so crappy when I don't write. Because that's like telling my memories I don't want to preserve them. And I so badly do.

There was that episode with the Firemen. Now I know what the back of a firetruck looks like. I also know there are some hot firemen in my town. I knew one of them from my highschool, he's not superhot, otherwise I would have noticed it during school. But the other one I've never seen before and he's yummy. The chief was not attractive. And he smoked Cigarettes..

So we got my water heater fixed. Which is good. I like my showers.

Kristen slept over. Three times actually. The first night we watched Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3. That's like eight hours there. It was epic. I loved it. She loved it. They're amazing. She'd never seen any of them before hand. And I'd never watched them right in a row. I want to do it again. I actually got restless during the third one and started copying music from those cds to my computer. I missed a lot of the action during the end. But since I own it and had seen it previously, I wasn't bothered.

Then Kristen got snowed in. There was a small opportunity for me to drive her home the day after Pirates of the Caribbean but I wasn't very eager and then it began snowing. And she surrendered to spending another night. We watched Ratatouillie (sp). So that got us in the mood and we decided to cook. We made an invention called Zitagna. We took Lasagna noodles and we put meat and cheese in them and then rolled them up and put sauce on top. We didn't use any recipe so we just put random seasoning in the sauce. And we also put Ziti around the little rolls. That's how we got the name. Good times. It was fairly good. It could have used a little bit of extra seasoning on the meat and the sauce but we did the best we could. Plus, we overcooked it slightly and that was disappointing.

Then Nick came over. Well actually, first we sang Christmas songs and I brought out tons of candles and lighted them all and turned off all the lights. I love setting the mood. Ambiance is so important to me. It honestly controls my mood. The same dialogue with the same people could be said in three different places and I'd like or dislike it in three different ways. We didn't know a lot of Christmas songs. At least not all the way. And then we just decided to sing any songs. Or rather, I decided. Because I'm tyrannical. But we couldn't think of very many to sing.

Then Nick got there. And we sat around by the fire with gas lamps and candles. We played Go Fish but before we could start a new game we got into conversation that took up the whole night. And we didn't end up doing anything but that. Nick is pretty cool. He's black. I have to add that in there because I haven't had a lot of personal interaction. And he's French. I'm not sure if he was born in France but his mom was so he speaks French fluently. He corrects Kristen and I. Which I find obnoxious. But I got him back by correcting his English. He doesn't need it as if he's foreign, he needs it as if he's a lazy ass American who doesn't wish to speak correctly. But I did it in a very significant way so he knew I was doing it to get him back for correcting us.

He's in the army like Amelia. And he talks about when he's going to Afghanistan. I dislike that topic. I dislike all topics about war. Blah.

We talked a lot about women vs. men. I challenged him on some things he was saying and he defended his ways. He's pretty fair in general, but also about women. But he's also a guy - thus slightly blind to exactly how it feels to be a woman. He goes to college and there were some things him and his buddies did that I had a problem with.

He is uber confident. He brags all the time about all his great accomplishments. And about his personality. He's a clubber. If that's the right word. He is always at a club. And he talks about his experiences there all the time. Like when he talks about women, he talks about the women he experiences at the clubs. And when he talks about interaction between men and women, he talks about the interaction he experiences at the clubs.

He does not like relationships. And he does not want to fall in love. But after I lectured him a bit, because he was dissing all love because of a few negative things, which are preventable under the right circumstances, thus, to give up all love would be foolish. If you know what I mean. Anyway, he told me that I'd beat him on how long it's been since I've dated someone. Although if you could Kristen, I may not have beat him. But I specifically said, It's been two years since I've dated a guy. Although I almost feel like I'm cheating since I've been involved with Dan so much.

In any case, they both left the next day. But then came back a couple days later for the party Amelia was having. It was an end-of-the-schoolyear-christmas party. It was hardly a Christmas party. I bought candy canes, at least. There were ten of us. Kristen was the only person I invited. They all bought drinks. I bought soda. For some reason I didn't expect anybody to drink but I'm innocent so what do I know.

I didn't even get tipsy. I think the two Smirnoffs I had were so spread apart that the only physiological effect on my body was a slight dizziness about my eyes. Like I could tell that they weren't quite steady or as focused as I wanted them to be. I was supposed to drive to the liquor store until the dizziness started so Kristen drove. We meant to get Vodka but it took us like an hour to get the party people to sacrifice their cars and whatnot. The stick was our best bet but Kristen couldn't drive. Nick's car was blocked by Andrea on the one hand and Brooklynn on the other.

So we got Brooklynn's keys to move her car, which Nick did, right on my lawn. That was a bloody mess. Nearly uprooted a little tree. The car was amazing though. SUV is probably a better word. Four wheel drive? But he got stuck and I tried to get out while they pushed and they broke a sort of bumper thing on the front, not quite sure what you'd call it. It took us like a half an hour. Finally he got back in a drove forward and out through the fresh snow back on the driveway. Then I backed out. But Kristen couldn't get Nick's car down the driveway anyway, so we took Brooklynn's car. But by that time the liquor store was closed so we ended up getting Mike's Hard Lemonade.

I ended up with so much beer and liquor in my fridge after everybody had left. I still have the beer. Nick took the other stuff.

Nick gets very touchy-feely when he's drunk. He was all over everybody! Always putting his arms around their necks or his hands around their waist. Surprisingly, Kristen too. I can't possibly say this without sounding like a horrible friend but it surprised me because it proved that he wasn't particular. Well actually, now that I think about it he probably only touched Brooklynn, me, and Kristen. Because I didn't see him on the other three girls and he didn't actually interact a lot with Amelia. I wonder why that is.

Anyway.. him, Kristen and I sort of had a special trio because we'd already spent some time together a few nights before. It was fun. To have a special trio. I like special trios best. And within the special trios I like special duos. Like with James and Andrew I had a special trio but within that I had a special duo with James. And I had a special duo with Kristen without the trio that was with Nick. It's definitely my favorite combination. I'm often out of the special duo and that's not my favorite trio...

By the end of the night Nick was being an asshole though. In his words, he was trying to get a rise out of me. Maybe that's true, but I think there were some other issues as well. As Amelia says, the reason I've been single for two years is because none of the guys can handle me. Which is less of a boast on my part and more of an insult to their ability to be around a powerful person besides themselves. In other words, they can't stand me because I'm powerful and they're threatened. Nick was really trying to tear down my power in the end.

He was mocking me and he would say things like "you think you're so strong hahaha". Which implied that I was proud of my strength and he thought me weak. When in truth, I thought myself weak in the first place, so there wasn't anything to mock. But he got around that by putting words in my mouth. That got a rise out of me. He said something like I was dumb and I told him that I was 16 and at college last year. To which he replied that he was blah blah blah, so smart - with his own showing off. Which is fine, because I never told him I was smarter than him. I only told him I was smarter than what he told me I was. But he wouldn't let me explain.

And he kept calling me an eleventeen year old. Implying that I'm immature. He even said I looked eleventeen. HA. When I was eleven everybody told me I looked 15. Now that I'm 17 everybody thinks I look 20. Nobody would believe that he really thinks I look eleven. There has only been one or two other people who have ever told me they originally thought I was younger than I am. And for the record, when I told Nick I was seventeen at the beginning of the party, he was surprised.

He only called me eleventeen to belittle me. And I told him straight up that he was threatened by my power and that's why he was belittling me. And not only that, he was belittling me because I was a woman and he felt he should be stronger and more powerful than me. He admitted he didn't give a fuck about feminist issues. Which totally goes against our previous conversation that first night, but I guess the truth comes out when he's drunk.

He was such a jerk to me. And massively strong. He kept tickling me and holding my arm or my wrist in a way that hurt once he'd let go. And while kicking me he ended up smashing my finger between the wall and his foot and it bled and hurt a lot. And I cried. Partly because of the pain and partly because of the emotional frustration with him.

I only got him back once. He was holding my wrists and daring me to slap him. For some reason he doesn't mind being slapped and I love that because guys who get offended when they're slapped are total pigs. It's one of the few things women can do because men are generally stronger, thus, it's our right to express our displeasure in that way. So he was holding my wrists and he knew I couldn't get away but at one point HE held my arms in a certain spot and I took my chance and smacked him. It surprised us both, I hardly had time to think about it because I really didn't expect to make it. But it was funny.

He apologized for "trying to get a rise out of me" a bunch of times. I told him that I wasn't pissed off anymore, I had simply lost some respect for him. To which he replied that he didn't care. Which further proves that he was still trying to belittle my power. Either he respects my power, and thus, respects my opinion. Or he doesn't respect my power, and thus, tries to undermine it by acting like my opinions don't matter.

He nearly reminded me of Wayne. Actually, the next morning he did because I was telling him about Wayne. At the beginning of the party Nick was talking to me about me. Like he was saying, "you're this way..." and such. He was, appraising me or analyzing me or whatever you want to call it. And that was flattering. Until he realized something he didn't like, apparently, and it made him take a turn for the worst. It made me sad because I was really enjoying his company.

And the slightly obnoxious things that I'd let go, like his bragging, became prominently obnoxious things. I generally ignored him when he'd talk to me or apologize to me, by the end of the night. But the next morning I pretended like it didn't happen. Except our exchanges about how my finger hurt from his foot and his finger hurt from my biting. And then we had a talk about how Mike is gay. I sort of wish I hadn't said that. I suppose because it makes my choice to date Mike seem a bit pathetic. And since Nick is always bragging about how his ex girlfriends are models and Hooters models.... it doesn't make my choice a great one. I wished I had kept it to myself but now he knows all the fantastic details.

So Kristen and I slept in my mom's bed. Cuddled a bit. And she kissed me once. Although she wanted to kiss me more. But I was too shy. I did not like that. Like when I woke up the morning after that candle ambiance incident it was almost like I still felt the ambiance in my half sleepiness. Almost like I had been dreaming about it. It felt soo beautiful. But the day after sleeping in my mom's bed I actually felt like the hours in bed with Kristen had sucked.

See, having Kristen put pressure on me felt like a bad experience because the ambiance was bad. So now I've associated her eh lesbian interaction with me with that bad ambiance, and it feels bad, and I'm not eager to experience it again. Although, I've had that kind of interaction with her before and it didn't bother me. Oddly she didn't mention it at all the first two nights she spent the night. But because Nick was so touchy-feely and everybody was just laughing and dancing and drinking and whatnot, Kristen and I were cuddly and the like. If you know what I mean.

Hopefully Kristen will come back, although there's really nothing to do! After Pirates of the Caribbean, getting snowed in, our dinner, hanging out with Nick, the party, getting stuck on the snowy lawn... I would imagine anything else we do to be anticlimactic. But I'm not actually worried. We'll probably watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas and we have tons of inside jokes. The problem with only hanging out with someone once every two months or whatever is that your inside jokes get left behind. After hanging out so much this past week we have so many memories together and so many things to laugh at, so many things that we don't need to explain to each other because we already understand it. I'll miss that once we go back to only hanging out once every two or three months. :(

So I feel I should admit, to my diary, that I'm slightly attracted to Nick. A lot of it is having him slightly attracted to me. I couldn't say if he is or not, he has seen my worst moments, bad hair days and acne and the like. Even though he's also seen some good moments. But that's not what I meant to say. I meant to say, I wouldn't presume he's attracted to me but a lot of my interest stems from the idea of having him attracted to me. I'm like that. I'm attracted to people and situations where I like who I am.

So, if I like the person I show to Nick, I therefore like Nick because it's a pleasure and a comfort to be the person I am when I'm around him. Not that that's all. I like him too. He's friendly and interesting. I'm not even going to call him sexy because it's kind of in between. I guess it's hard for me to form an opinion since he's black. Because I don't find him ugly, but I neither like his features. When I think about the black guys I'm attracted to they're way hotter than him.

lol, the things I have to admit to my journal.

There was one point while he was tickling me on the couch that his torso was essentially between my legs. It was very nearly an erotic position. I suppose it's hard for me to have physical contact with someone and not see it as sexual contact. I don't know, maybe it's hard for everybody. It's almost like, since I have sex with no one, I have sex with everyone. Does that make sense? It's like saying, there isn't a special someone, so all the contact I have is equally special. And slightly erotic, I suppose. Since I'm a horny person.

I don't know what I'm saying.

All I'm trying to say is that I'm slightly attracted to Nick. Attracted to his personality as well as to his body. Even though he had some disastrous qualities while he was drunk, he also had some very endearing qualities while he was drunk. I probably shouldn't form an infatuation with him. He probably wouldn't form an infatuation with me. But when you're like me and you never have any opportunities... you like to entertain the ones you have.

I have to say, I either said it in a journal entry or merely thought it, thought - what would it take for me to forget John? Meaning, if I had a new lover, would I forget John in an instant, does he mean nothing to me except that he's the only chance I have... And oddly enough, the friendship with Kristen was enough to make me forget John's existence. After she left, he asked me if I'd missed him and I told him I was too busy to miss him. Because even though she and I had no sexual tension between us - at least in my opinion - it was still fulfilling. And it satisfied me so much that it replaced my need for John.

I suppose even though I like sex, that proves that it's definitely not all about sex. My need for someone isn't about sex. I use sex to bond with people. When I fall in love with a guy, I use sex to enhance my bond with them. Perhaps I needlessly concentrate on it. I guess, physical intimacy is a replacement for emotional intimacy. I actually want emotional intimacy. But instead of trying to achieve that with guys I'm attracted to, I look to physical intimacy.

With Kristen, I have emotional intimacy. Not to say that we're especially fond of each other. But that we bond really well. I feel that we're on the same level. We laugh a lot. I keep telling her to tell everybody that she thinks I'm funny because nobody else knows that I'm funny except her and Amelia. We connect intellectually and philosophically to a certain degree. Plus, I guess, as friends can only do, she understands me emotionally. I guess as two girls who are about the same age, I feel like she knows where I'm coming from. Perhaps, I've been striving for guys way too much. I see them as opposites. I see them as separate class entities. Meaning, we're in a different class. Individually, Kristen and I are different. But our gender links us in a way that I didn't realize I actually enjoyed.

It's been a long time since I've had a best friend. Kristen and I have been friends for a couple years and we're even now only hitting the peak of our friendship. We don't even go to school together anymore..

I think about inviting John over since I think he comes back from Jersey today. But still feeling the vibe aftermath of the experiences I've had with Kristen and Nick, I don't really want to hang out with John. It doesn't serve me. Our personalities clash in such a fruitless way. The only thing ever good between us was the sexual interaction. But truthfully, I don't want him anymore. I want that touch of passion we shared. But I'd prefer to find somebody new.

I haven't decided if I'm going to hang out with him or not because I know he wants to hang out with me. But it just doesn't seem profitable. However, since I don't have any sexy people lining up to come hang out with me, or rather, make out with me... hanging out with John may seem more attractive in the weeks to come.

Unless Nick gets me a fake ID and takes me clubbing. Now that I think about it, how did Amelia get in the club...

I can't tell Kristen I'm attracted to Nick. I mean, I could tell her that I want to do him. Because that's what she told me. But saying I have a crush on him is like saying that I want a special duo with him, so to make her the third wheel. Because he's the third wheel in our special trio, he has fairly equal interaction with both of us. He's neither her friend nor is my friend. He's our friend in the trio. I feel like we both met him at the same time and talked to him at the same time. To even think about him having a preference for me, when he's our friend is sort of a betrayal. In my mind at least. It's not so much that I think she would care. It's just the way I see it.

When we were laying in my mom's bed for a couple hours (we stayed up till 5) I kept mentioning Nick. I was bitching a bit more than anything but at one point I said, Am I talking about Nick too much? And she said no, why? And I said, I guess I'm paranoid. Because I felt like I was one of those people infatuated with someone so I talk about him all the time. I suppose, to an anonymous observer, I was talking about a wide range of subjects, but I ignored all but Nick. The topics about Nick had a red flag in my mind so they added up and I felt like he was the only things I kept bringing up.

I really should stop this infatuation nonsense. He's such an egotistical maniac. He would rub it in my face so much if he knew.

It's just that, he was also very sincere and relatable. When I feel like the only part of a person I can touch is their ego, I can't stand them. But I know that Nick is more than that. Instead of being an ego with a human accessory. He's a human with an egotistical accessory. It's almost like saying, I like you but not the outfit you're wearing.

That's why I even bother. Because if I paid attention to only his worst qualities I would not feel like this. Not that I feel very much in particular. Just intrigue, I suppose. And the hope that he's intrigued by me as well. Even if I'm not a Hooter's model.

It was kind of funny too. He grazed my boob when he tickled me. And I told Kristen after he'd left the kitchen. And I predicted to her that he would only say, What boob? Compared to his Hooter's girlfriend. So the next time he came back into the kitchen I told him that he'd touched my boob and he said something like, I couldn't tell - significantly. Because there's not a lot there.

I'm proud of myself for predicting his personality. :p