I had a dream I was married and it really intrigues me. It was more or less Mike who I was married to, but that's nearly insignificant. It wasn't the Mike I know, it was just what he represents to me because of the intimate relationship we had. It was such a comforting dream. The feeling. He was rich, and had a lot of family as rich people sometimes do. They have big houses and the relatives can afford to travel and such. It was kind of a British house. I was reading Agatha Christie last night, she may have set the mood.

Anyway, it was very much like Remington Steele. Laura and Remington had feelings for each other but had never let it progress until they married suddenly, to keep him from being deported. And then they had to pretend to be married and I loved it. I loved watching them fake it. Because they were so good together. They were also very mean to each other and I got that shocked feeling a few times -for them. Because Remington was kissing that girl and one other thing that I've forgotten now and Laura was kissing that stupidass Italian. Anyway, that's not the point at all.

They were really cute together because they liked each other but even though they were married, they were still unwilling to submit to their feelings. So they were faking it when need be and the ironic thing is that it didn't need to be fake. The intimacy could have so easily been real. It was cute because you knew that's how it would be if they would finally submit to it. Which, they did in a very queer way. The directors made them a little funky about relationships. And I think they finally had a happy ending, naturally, the series ended on that note. :(

Anyway, still not quite the point. In my dream, I was rather suddenly married. Don't know how it happened. I was dreaming about classes, about these weird class with a weird mood... and then about nearly getting shot and pretending to be dead, but he didn't fool for it. But he was attracted to me so I think that's why he didn't shoot me. And then I guess I came to this dream. I was riding the bus but there was a steering wheel half way down the bus and someone was steering there as well as the original driver up front doing the brakes and all that. And I thought it crazy because it's a duo, steering and braking together - based on each other. I was about to mention how dangerous it was when an accident did occur, and the bus toppled over.

Everybody was okay but I guess then I was back home to that rich house. And I'm not quite certain my relatives liked me. Laura and Remington hadn't consummated their marriage. And neither had we. We did actually get married. I just don't know how it happened. Like there was no big ceremony. To my knowledge, we were just suddenly married. And that's really fine with me. In any case, I think I'd been on my period for the first week. So I was planning to have sex with him that night. But I first had to go to class, which I actually do today - I have a night class as in my dream. And that's pretty much when I woke up.

It sounds pretty boring but it felt nice. Having somebody, belonging to somebody. I haven't had that feeling in over two years. I always said dating Mike was a lot like being married, at least for a teenage standard. And the sex was comforting. It wasn't fun and it wasn't passionate. But it was comforting. It was comforting to be that intimate with his body before we had sex, and there was something nice about getting naked with him. I guess because it wasn't scary or pressured. Maybe because it wasn't good sex, there was little pressure to make it good sex, I just accepted the fact. I didn't want good sex at that time. Seriously? One step at a time, for me.

I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of having sex. And if you can't imagine what I mean I'll illustrate with oral sex. on my body, for example. It was kind of like, the extremely simple sex that we had was a good first step. I was too uncomfortable and afraid of too many things to have good sex at that point. Although I've always thought that had we shared some passion, that could have pushed me to face my fears - it was lack of passion that made me immobile. But in any case, sex is so intimidating these days. Knowing the next time I have sex I actually have to have sex. Activity, that's key. There wasn't a lot of activity between Mike and I.

But as I said, our sex was simple and yet comforting. Easy. It was comforting to be that comfortable with his body. Being naked. Having sex, technically. I know, I keep saying we weren't having sex and we were having sex but the difference is in intimate details and I'd rather not say. Because I'm still not over my fear. I don't care about the situation I had with Mike. I miss only a few things. And one of those things is intimacy. Safety. I felt like we belonged together so I felt safe. I've never felt safe with anyone that way.

I'll never have that with Dan or John. We've been through too much unstableness. It doesn't make sense for our relationships to suddenly become safe. They've already got an unstable reputation. The dream was nice because it was new, I'd just gotten married and as with Remington and Laura - it's like marriage was a way to become intimate against their will. You get married and suddenly you've signed a certificate of stability. Not to say that marriages last or that they're even faithful. But believe me, considering the relationships I've had with John and Dan, which were truly not relationships at all - that's the plus of marriage. It's ultimately saying that someone belongs to you and only you, recognized by the law, society and everybody around you. It can be abused, naturally. But it's something. Something more than I've had.

I'm tired of John and Dan. Like I said, our relationships have bad reputations. Why try to make something good out of what's already bad? I like to just dump it and move on, find something new, unscathed. I want to be able to trust someone again. To believe in them, and believe in my relationship with them. I want to be able to have someone belong to me.

In all seriousness, my mom says I don't have any karma with anyone in New York. Perhaps she only means in my area, I can't really be sure. All I know is - fucking sad as it may be... emotions are often led by karmic attraction. We're emotionally attracted to those that can allow us to balance our karma. That's why I originally asked. I wanted to know if I had any karma with John. I wonder if I don't but he does... I didn't think of it that way. John may have karma with me but I don't have any karma with him. Maybe that's why he's attracted to me. Or perhaps it's something else. I just wanted some rational reasoning added to all that crap.

The point is, though, that currently, I have little hope for friends and lovers because I understand that people are often brought together through karma. And I don't know how I'm going to be brought together with anyone, without karma. I realize that from being in school. Last semester I wasn't social at all, that was the problem. But this semester I am social, it just hasn't progressed with anyone I can really walk away with.

Honestly, you can't make these things happen. When I think back to my other friendship I have no idea how it started. How we hit it off. But that's what happened, IT happened. We became friends for unexplainable reasons. These days, if it doesn't happen, there's not a lot I can do. I can't make me and someone else hit it off. You can't force yourself to have common interests. Or common attraction.

That's the hardest part about moving to some place new. You've had all these friends, you don't know how it originated. It just did. And now you realize that you're amongst a bunch of strangers and friendships have to bud anew. And you wonder how the fuck it's going to happen. And either it does or it doesn't. Luckily, when I was new to New York everybody was all over me. I had lots of requests to sit at like five different lunch tables, I had people walking with me in the hall, asking me to hang out after school, asking me out in a romantic way, giving me lots of attention. I didn't end up with that many friends. I had to make my selection and I chose Jaymie, Maegan and Kyle. But in any case...

Adults have trouble making friends too. I know they do. When you're in school you're forced with a bunch of peers, you're bound to make friends. It's not like that when you're an independent adult. As I said, when you're a kid, that environment is forced on you. When you're an adult, that environment is chosen. You have to make independent choices to find a social life. I'm not ready for that. Not that I would wish myself back in high school. There weren't any people to befriend, that's a major reason I left. I'd had it with the whole lot. James was the only one I really liked and he fucking moved!

I don't know. I just feel doomed to be alone for a while and Jeezus I've already been alone for a while. Thing is, I refuse to befriend someone who keeps me company but who I don't find enjoyable. I find it absurd to assume that there isn't anybody out there who I can enjoy. I know I'm extremely awkward and picky about people but there's got to be somebody I like. That's why love is so simple, it makes you want someone you don't even need to like. But I can't find anybody to be in love with either. At least nobody who will be in love with me.

I think the whole point of this hour long entry, was to bring up the point that I want the intimacy and comfort of getting married.