Ah man, I've been a victim of exactly what I know not to be a victim of. It just never occurred to me to see that one of my favorite concepts actually applied to fear.

I've analyzed my fear of the dark. I realized that instead of believing that if something were in the room with me that I could be protected, for instance, by praying... that is putting my fortune in someone else's hands, which created my "control center" to panic and say "WAIT, THIS ISN'T AN APPROVED OPERATION!!!!!!"

Well, I've decided to understand that I can be control in the dark. The only problem is if I associate with my physical identity. If I believe that my power lies in my physical self, then I will believe myself to be at the mercy of the dark, because I cannot possibly know if anything dangerous is near me.

However, if I associate with a higher self, a spiritual self that is greater than my mere physical body, my eyes being closed will not matter. The lights will be off and I will KNOW that there is no one in the room with me. I will know ahead of time, nothing will be able to sneak up on me because my sensors will go off an alert me ahead of time.

Good gracious, I just realized how those wise Chinese people do it. You know? Like the type of people who bend a spoon with their mind (first example I could think of). I think that may be what some of their fighting is about. I want to say karate but you know what? I don't know the terminology. I just know about movies like The Karate Kid, where these people are taught self-discipline and things of that nature, until they develop the skill to do extraordinary things, like, when their back is turned, they can sense when someone is in the room.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY IDENTIFY WITH A HIGHER POWER WITHIN THEMSELVES. See, we all have the ability to be more than our physical selves. However, it will not happen unless we allow it to happen. We will not accidentally channel our spiritual selves unless we believe it can happen, at least on some level.

I never understood those Chinese people, with their power to do these things. You got to be ready to understand it or it won't dawn on you. It has suddenly dawned on me, even though it was months ago that I applied this when the power went out. But I've let myself slip back into my old ways and now I want to believe, I want to believe that I have the power to use functions that aren't limited to my physical body.

The other fear is water. Well, I realized that there was probably a close relationship between what water symbolized (the emotions) and how that makes me panic. However, I allowed that fear to go unquestioned. Why did I do that? Why did I accept that the fear had logic, that it was reasonable just because it was about the emotions. I've been so wrapped up in the symbology, I think, because I've never had symbology applicable to my life before, I'm just not that way, I'm straightforward and literal. When I say water, I'm afraid of water, not blah blah blah. So I was sort of proud that this was true. Proud that I was creative, in a sense, to have symbology.

But fear is always destructive and unproductive. It always limits you and it's unhealthy. So I should question it. I should ask myself why? Now that I know that I'm not afraid of water in a literal sense, but when I am near water, I'm reminded of my emotions. So what is it about emotions that scare me? That's something I took for granted, I thought that being afraid of emotions was rational and logical. But like I said, fear is always destructive and limited so it can't be healthy so it isn't logical to fear emotions. I thought it was justified because emotions are, needless to say, dodgy or sketchy. They cannot be trusted. Damnet, it was an emotion causing me to feel the fear of emotions in the first place. There's an irony for you.

So... here's the thing, I realize now that the logic behind my fear, the reasoning, is that I am afraid that I will be suppressed by my emotions. I feel like I will be swallowed up. That I will sink, so very deep, in my emotions, that I will not be able to come back up for air. It's Pandora's Box, you see. And that's why I panic every time I go near water. It isn't that I only panic while I'm in the ocean. Where it's thousands of feet deep. :o scary. It's that I panic every time I'm near water, because I am afraid that if I indulge myself even a tiny bit, that it will become an endless cycle, falling down the rabbit hole, so to speak.

And it will overcome me. That's my flaw. That's the reasoning that is sour. Will it overcome me? Rather, could it? Does my emotional body have the ability to overcome me? Yes, it has in the past and it has for other people as well, however, I know myself, at this point, to be strong enough to handle it. I can delve into the emotions and experience them without fearing that I'll get lost and not be able to find my way back to control, to my wisdom. I can find my way back, I have that power. Once upon a time, I didn't. At least, we can say, I didn't identify with that power, even though it was there to use, I didn't utilize it because I didn't believe it was there. Now I do.

It's wrong to fear water, because it's wrong to fear my emotions, because it's wrong to fear that they can swallow me hole and that I will never return. It's wrong to fear that I have to be cautious around my emotions, because although caution is healthy, anxiety isn't. I don't need to keep my distance from any and all water, any and all emotion. Because, really, I can handle any amount of emotional experience. I can persevere. Perhaps once upon a time, I was trapped within my emotional body. Sometimes we all are, since I was trapped in my emotional fear just a few minutes ago before I realized that my fear was self-refuting because I feared fearing. I feared losing myself to my fear. That's most assuredly unhealthy.

I should have realized this long ago. I'll do well to recall it the next time emotional, even if it is tiresome. I should sleep now so I can wake up and play with Isis. But my throat still hurts slightly and I have to watch some Lost episodes.

P.S. My book is going to come. I've been doing a lot of meditation on it. I think talking to my dad today, reflecting aloud and responding to particular things he brought up, was the most beneficial meditation that I've had. I think I've made a lot of mental progress. Because you have to be ready to do it. And I wasn't ready. The book is there but I wasn't ready to make it happen. I'm going to try to be ready. I shouldn't allow myself to lose this enthusiasm. It sometimes happens. Bah, I'm exhausted thinking about it. STOP MAKING UP EXCUSES.

Shh, I'm arguing with my oncoming emotions. EMOTIONS. Ultimate test. What is behind these emotions? What is my reluctance trying to say? I've been meaning to ask my mom. Is it because I'm still not ready or is it a flaw that is holding me back? Odd that I'm in doubt.

That crying thing is another thing I'm in doubt about. That makes two. I'm usually not in doubt at all...