Damnet. You know, every single damn day, often while I'm driving, I think of all the things I want to write a journal entry about. I write paragraphs in my head, if you will, which I've always done. but I store them on an imaginary page for later when I'll type it up for real.

But lately, obviously, since I've made very little entries... I get home and I don't want to sit down and write them out. Like there's no relevance. Like I'm not dying to share my thoughts with anyone. I guess I don't really have anyone to share them with. I'm not entirely sure why. I mean the obvious answer is that nobody but Dan has this blog link.

And I don't know why that feeling is gone, the urge to share things with him. I may have let something go... some need to be relevant to him, maybe? Almost like, I can now keep my own space, live in my own bubble, without trying to show him my life. I always wanted to show him my life.

It may have just been the adjustment with James. Cause James doesn't really care about my life. I tell him all about it but I do it in a very casual and slightly amusing way, because I know that nothing I say is important to him. I tell him so, so many things but they're all very simple. And I get this school-girl excitement for them and he sympathizes or shares my enthusiasm and it's a bit of a game.

Although lately when I've said my serious words he's claimed to "know what I mean" like he understands the seriousness but who knows.

He hasn't been talking to me. I've left him like maybe three or four myspace comments. Two texts. And two of those comments were inviting him to come hang out with me. He didn't answer a single one. He used to do this all the time with me. Ignore me. A lot. But these past few months he's given me so much attention. And he's do it and my eyes would be wide with surprise cause I'm just so used to him ignoring me.

I've never known why cause if I ask he'll probably just ignore me. And it used to frustrate me so at one point we stopped talking for six months... then we saw each other at Heather's birthday party and eventually I added him back to my myspace and aim and stuff and this time he answered me back and he invited himself over to my house at least 20 times in the past few months. He used to always make playdates with me and then not show up and not tell me he wasn't going to show up. He's only done it once this summer and when he did, he told me afterwards that he maybe should have told me that he couldn't make it, instead of just leaving me stranded....

So I haven't seen him in like two and a half weeks. He's not on aim often but the last three or four times I ignored him. I've got nothing to say, you know? I'm always begging for his attention. I'm always leaving comments that say things that make it seem like it's okay that he ignores me. Like I left a comment telling him about csi but he didn't respond so I assumed he didn't want to come over. And then the next time csi came in I said, well I guess there's no point in telling you that the sixth season is in. And naturally he didn't respond.

And I used to do this so much. I used to always make it casual that he ignored me. Always act like it didn't bother me, although it obviously did because who wouldn't be bothered by the way he treats me? And that's the thing, I don't want to go through that again. It's like, I feel that the reason he ignores me is because I'm needy and he wants his space.

Cause we've always been friends but I have always treated us like we're on the verge of more than friends. I'm always hinting around about kissing or dating or sex or something... so I feel like I'm putting pressure on him because he so clearly avoids every advance I make and because of that game we have, I realize that most things I say won't be relevant or taken very seriously so I often just keep going. I never stop or get embarrassed at being rejected because every time I say something it's casual and often self-mocking and it never actually expects anything from him. Which is funny that I feel like I'm putting pressure on him because in the immediacy, I never put him on the spot. I think I asked once, directly, if he would consider dating me and that's it. I always avoid direct questions with him.

Although in the past months when I had problems I asked him directly because I had nothing to lose at first. We weren't close and the way he'd previously ignored me was still fresh in my mind so I figured, hell, it couldn't get worse, I might as well be who I am without being afraid to aggravate him or turn him off. And that's where I am now, again. Afraid to aggravate him and turn him off. But the thing is, I always seem to. He's not talking to me. There has to be a reason. God can only guess cause he's such an abstract person but there's got to be a reason! It was nice to be able to directly ask him questions, he answer too. I loved it. I liked our friendship.

I feel like I should accuse myself of overreacting now. But that's the thing. I always act casual. I never tell him that it hurts me. Even if I do tell him, I do it in a way that doesn't put him on the spot so that he'll never have to apologize. I think when I first became friends with him, when Mike and I were breaking up, I was tentative about being with James. James dislikes so many people and he never tells it to their face but I could always see his expressions and hear the things he said about them. He's just one of those quiet, hot guys that every single obnoxious girl hugs and she thinks that he adores her attention because he's quiet but he doesn't.

And I never wanted to force myself on him like everyone else does. So I'm always aware that I'm walking on thin ice with him. So I never put him on the spot. I never asked anything of him. I never asked him to like me. So I take what I can get. I don't feel like I have a right to do anything more. Almost like he's doing me a favor by being friends with me. And in his own right, he is doing me a favor because no one has a right to appeal to another person. It's not like I deserve to be adored by everyone.

In any case, the point I was trying to make is that because I feel like I put pressure on him by dropping all of the hints that never seem to stop - like leaving that many comments and texts knowing he's not going to respond. I just keep going. And I hate validating it because I hate knowing that I may make it comfortable for him to not answer me. But I do validate it because I don't dare put any more pressure on him. So I'm harassing him and I can't ask him directly why he won't respond positively to my "harassment," for the purposes of this conversation, because then I'm putting more pressure on him.

I'm really just stuck.

And what can I say? It was good while it lasted. I cherished our friendship so much. Not in a sentimental way. Just a simple goodness. Simple pleasures.

The only way to stop tormenting myself, because if he has stopped being that close to me, for whatever reason, and things are the way they were before, then I'll surely be toremented.... so the only way to stop it is to make a productive decision to let go. I can't even let go temporarily and hope that if I give him space that he won't be annoyed or bothered when I give him some attention every once in a while because nothing helps. When he stops being responsive, there's nothing I can do to get through to him.

It was so nice to make that step, taking him off my myspace and ignoring him for six months. It was nice to get him out of my life because that perpetuation I was going through was truly tormenting. And the only reason I let him come back into my mind, my feelings is because he was making all the advances so I knew I wasn't forcing it.

Now I just don't know what to do. Like right now, I'm not talking to him on aim because I'm giving him space. And because I want him to know that I'm okay with giving him space - that I can live without bugging him to give me attention. And I also don't have anything to say, you know? I was trying to say this at the beginning but I had to put all the background information down before you could understand my logic. I feel like if we're back to square one, there's nothing I can say to him because I mean nothing to him.

Despite the fact that our conversations are simple and casual and I'm honestly the cutsy type who says silly girly things and the like.... I can only do that, be that person, because I know it's accepted by James. He validates it and I love it. I like how he reacts to my silliness. He doesn't share in it, but he just lets me be, lets me be silly and doesn't act like I'm weird. I think it would make a lot of people treat me like I'm weird because they don't know how else to react. But James is best at not reacting. He's very reserved. And he's simple and silly in his own way. We make an amazing team. I miss it.

I just can't be that open and bare, not in a serious way but it takes a particular comfortableness to put me at ease so that I can just be okay with life and the world... so that I can smile and feel it emotionally instead of physically, on my lips. I guess I'm a very, very uptight person. Very serious. Very guarded. And I'm not like that with James. I'm not dramatic or serious. I still have a sense of humor based on my perception of serious topics. but otherwise, my soul is relaxed. The only thing ever not at ease is my hormones. They scream at me sometimes. I just don't get enough lustful encounters, not that I'll admit to enjoying them if I had the chance. But I crave them, regardless of their reality.

Right now I'm just sensitive. I feel unloved, unvalidated from him. That awful feeling that I had to put out of my mind every time he used to ignore me, because I knew I couldn't ask for more. I couldn't expect him to give me anything more. So I just had to pretend like it was okay to feel rejected. To feel that who I am was rejected.

etc. etc. etc...

I wanted to got to sleep tonight anyway. I was so awfully tired at 8pm. But I stayed awake and watched Gilmore Girls for a few hours.. and then I grew a little more active by the time it was done and didn't want to go to sleep. Damnet.