That was the most devestatingly depressing story, ever. I swear it. If possible, the last chapter was more depressing than all the others. No matter what diseases and losses and suicide attempts came along, nothing was more devestating than the betrayal and the jealousy and the suspense that Anne had to go through. And feeling it for was eating away at my stomach. I just wanted to rush through the end as soon as possible, just to get it over with.

The power went out so I was kind of stuck. heh. Luckily the power turned back on by the time it got dark.

Not one single day with Dan was as hard as that half an hour of reading that book. I never felt that jealousy for Dan and Jen. Not once. I lost that jealousy with Mike? Yeah. I felt it with Mike. But the jealousy comes from insecurity. From losing power. You feel like your love for and with someone gives you power and strength and vibrancy, and then you feel it slipping away. The power is in someone elses's hands, some other women's hands who is assuredly more attractive in some way or another to your husband (or boyfriend) than you are.

I like to be the other woman. I never had Dan so I couldn't ever lose him. I couldn't ever feel that power being taken from me.

Her God damn vision of life is terrible. Of love, of happiness, of looks, of health, of freedom, of money, of self-worth, of the years that go by... I hate it. I disagree with it. I disagree with her portrayal of life. It's so sad.

I never want to feel jealousy again. It's such a God awful feeling. Of course, jealousy is intimately tied to love because love is always in danger of being lost. But my heartbreaks since Mike haven't been infused with this jealous feeling. This feeling in my stomach that still isn't gone even though the book is done. Torture. I mean I had bad heartbreaks with Dan and a bit with John but I guess I didn't have this fear. This fear of what would happen without them? Like I was sorry to lose them but I knew that if it was inevitable, I had a future to look forward to. I didn't have a dependency on them. And that's partly because I wasn't dating either of them. I was with Mike and when we broke up, part of my life was destroyed. And that's always upsetting. To build a life with someone and then have it taken away in a fit of betrayal.

I'm kind of resigned. Right now. To never have that. I don't even know why I feel I have to pronounce it because God knows it's never going to happen whether I'm resigned or not. She is so bitter. So bitter against humanity. And the thing is, even if you're a rare good streak, the truth is, you're going to be destroyed by all the other humanity you have to deal with. You know what I mean? We're so intertwined, families, friends, coworkers, lovers... To be good isn't good enough because all it takes is one bad counterperson in the equation.

Enough.

I just need to be released from this emotion I'm carrying. From the book.