I miss James. I don't actually want him to hang out with me this week. I'm on my period and I've been in a reading mood so I'm taking advantage of it by making a dent in my reading list. Plus I have homework to do and work for my mom to do and, naturally, plenty movies or seasons to watch...

All that are best left to themselves, without James. But after I'm off my period I'm going to want to be with him again.

I think, in a sense, I've fallen in love with him. Love is a varying thing. And for me, and the way I feel about James, in particular to these past few months... it's about affection and dependency of companionship. I've always been dependent of his companionship, ever since Mike and I broke up. But these past few months he's given it to me. Like once a week at least. And I so truly enjoy being in his company. As I've probably already explained. It's a sort of freedom - except from lust, of course. But being with him soothes me out of his simplicity.

And that's why I nearly hesitate to say that I'm in love with him because love is always such a complex thing, tied to emotions. I shouldn't even bring it up, especially at this time. But regardless of it's lack of complexity... I still feel affectionate for him and dependent on his company in a way that says to me love. In every schoolgirl way, you understand.

But now I'm trying to use the term love "correctly" and that frustrates me because it's such an undefined term, and yet with such connotations. I can't nearly refute all of the connotations because some are just so abstract.

So let's just forget I said love, with all of its connotations.

I've been down that road with James anyway and it was a very unsatisfying road because he never returned my affections and I felt very... powerless and begging.

He didn't abuse it, but it was still humiliating.

And I have a tendency to quickly dramatize my feelings from such an exaggerated situation.

I guess I panic and overreact.

And for some reason I seem to want to save the situation with love. I'm panicking, and if I tell myself I'm in love with him it will somehow save the situation. I'm not sure why.

I guess sometimes I just feel like love won't fail me. Even though, no matter how much I love another, it never guarantees they'll love me back.