I finally got some real sleep! I just woke up at 2. I went to bed pretty early last night. And I guess sometimes when that happens I don't sleep through the night... even though the you'd think that would give me more sleep. It doesn't seem to. Early to bed early to rise. And late to bed, late to rise.

So I went to sleep at 10:30. I couldn't resist since there was nothing going on today. Usually I don't like going to sleep early because that ends the day and I treasure my free time. So I woke up at about 1? And got a drink of water and went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 4. And this time I couldn't go back to sleep. Isis woke up at about 7. And I was still awake by that time. I had been talking to myself in bed and editing some pictures and such...

Finally after Amelia left I think I got back to sleep. She dropped Isis off with Anthony on her way to school. But then I woke back up at like 8:30. I'd only been sleeping for about a half an hour. That was irritating. But I went back to sleep and seemed to wake up at 9 or 10. Still, only a little sleep. I'd only originally gotten five hours before I was up at four, so it's not like I'd had a satisfying amount of sleep. So I woke up at like three times in the morning. I think one time the phone rang and it woke me up. But from 11-2pm. I seemed to be passed out the whole time.

I haven't slept this long in a while. Quite possibly it has to do with my schedule, I don't sleep in past 12 on school days.. but also I think it has to do with people who wake me up. There's nothing in the house to wake me up. I don't know where Amelia is and Isis isn't here and my noisy parents aren't here.

I had weird dreams. I had a dream about Shannon coming over to my house to hang out. I think she was accidentally invited. Like I told someone I was looking for her and I wanted her to come over, but I might not have meant it... and they invited her when they saw her so I decided to just go with it and have her come over. But before we could really hang out or anything I woke up.

I had this weird one about my sister Stephanie. Isis was with Anthony but we saw him. He was holding her asleep in his arms like we used to do when she was younger. And he had a crowd of friends with him. He kept being nice to me and calling me sis like he used to. And one of his friends kept reminding him not to do it. It was weird. They'd always be walking away and the friend would be really loud and obvious when he told him not to be nice and such.

So Stephanie and I were originally talking on the phone. She was telling me that it had been ten days since her boob job and I think there was something wrong but she didn't get to tell me because the phone hung up. Before that though she told me something about how we don't get along and she doesn't like it. I can't remember the exact words.. So she called back after the phone hung up but apparently she was there with me by that point, driving in the car, down by the water.

I was trying to explain why we don't get along but I can't remember what I said either. It was interesting at the time. The water was a little different. Instead of the Hudson it seemed to be a lake. And there was this one girl about to go swimming and she hit on Loren, who was also down there. So Stephanie disappeared after that and Loren disappeared and then I was near the lake with Amelia.

Anthony was there when we got there and my hair was wet and as I held it I told Amelia that it weighed about as much as Isis. Anthony heard and offered to let me hold her. And again his friend scolded him for being nice to me. But apparently the reason he had been nice is because another one of his friends wanted to talk to me.

So the group left but his friend doubled back. He was really tall and he had yellow blonde hair, very bright. He was Swedish. And he told me his name but I didn't recognize it so I made him repeat it a bunch of times. At one point I thought he might be my brother Yohan, because I haven't seen him in like ten years. Although he had dyed black hair last time I checked. But he said something that sounded like Neils instead of Yohan. He said Nols I think. But I know what my brother Neils looks like and it wasn't him.

So then I kept asking if he knew who I was.. because maybe he thought I was someone else. And after a couple times of asking he ended up telling me that I was Amelia. And I said I wasn't and pointed her out so he could go talk to her. It was something like he knew her when she was a baby or some random thing. I didn't get to really find out because the dream ended after that.

I think I had one more weird dream this morning but I've forgotten who it was about.

Yesterday I had a dream about Maegan and Lindstrom.. But I dream about them all the time. It's usually a school setting but they're the only ones I talk to.

The other day I had a dream about my French teacher. :( Even though I'd dropped out, she saw me in the hall and she sort of ordered me to come into the classroom and talk to her and I wondered if I really had to go since I wasn't her student anymore. I think I explained to her why I withdrew from her class.

But it was the feeling that went along with her. She's actually a nice person. I liked her, for the most part up until she got mad at me for skipping the test. And that was apparently just a bad day that she was taking out on me. But I think she represents a particular person that I'm trying to oppose in this lifetime. The type of person who feels like they have a right to control me because they're an authority figure. And I've always stood up for myself but it terrifies me at the same time. Like the blood rushes when I'm that position. So I think that's why I dreamt about her. She didn't represent that kind of person to me until that last day.

But now I seem to be afraid of her. Afraid because I stood up to her and she wants to control me. But why that scares me I can't really say. Maybe I did it in a past life and I got in big trouble for it, like went to the guillotine or something. I don't know. I think I'll always stand up for myself. But even sometimes with "friends" or rather, Enemies, but peers... I get that rush of anxiety. But it's not that they represent someone who wants to control me that scares me. It's that I know that we will conflict because I won't let them control me. You know what I mean?

They don't scare me because they want to control me they scare me because I know what will happen when they try to control me and I resist. And it's an uncomfortable situation to be in conflict with someone like that and it makes me really nervous. The nervous thing I just can't explain.

So, since my mind has been consumed by this Western Civilization test for the past week and I've devoted all my time to reading the book which hardly helped me at all, considering he only used variants of the practice quizzes on the website... I had another test yesterday for Forensic Science and I just couldn't make myself study. I had time while I stayed home to babysit Isis but she was napping. And I could have at least looked over the text book definitions if not read the actual chapters.. But I just wanted to relax.

So I went to class and I studied for the first ten minutes. I know I would have done better had I studied more and yet, I did get a lot of good information in those ten minutes. And I when I got the test I told my friend Nikki that I thought I was going to fail. It was a very scientific couple of chapters. Most of it isn't about chemistry because there's a lot of other evidence that we look at. But this was about organics and chromatography and spectrophotometry and a little about elements and atoms and the like. Not fun stuff.

But as I began answering the questions I realized that I knew more than I initially thought. Mostly because of the studying. So I think I satisfactorily answered every question. There were some matching and some fill in and some short answers. I didn't do the bonus although I could have. It was to draw an atom and I knew the subatomic particles and their electric charge but I didn't really know what the atom looked like. I guess it has one big circle and then maybe a couple small circles for the subatomic parts and then a nucleus. That's probably all it was but I didn't try. And I ended up finishing tied at first done. Kind of ironic.

I'm often one of the first done actually. Except in the philosophy test when I was last done but that was a lot of writing and you've seen me ramble about philosophical topics...

I have the kind of brain that when I study the information is right at hand. And I'm ready to see all those keywords and the pattern that they have when they fit together, if you know what I mean. Like a sentence: Chromatography separates the components of a substance. And then they make an M.C. out of that and I know the pattern of what words go together. Separation of such and such is Chromatography. So I go REALLY fast because if I don't know it right away I probably won't know it at all. It'll never come to me, no matter how hard I try to probe my memory. It either comes to me in an instant or I have to guess.

Sometimes I have to reread the question and the like but anyway, the point is, I'm Speedy Gonzales when it comes time to release the information. I'm not good with speaking out loud about the information. I can't answer questions like that and it's hard for me to answer fill in questions. I'm best at M.C. I think even when I don't know the information I'm very good at applying logic to finding the correct answer. I noticed that when I was doing my first Sociology quiz... I first had a study guide and I hadn't been listening the entire class period but when she gave me the questions I realized that I knew the answer to most of them even though I thought I knew nothing since I wasn't paying attention.

I really thought this Forensic Science test might be my first B but I doubt I don't think it will be. I hope it won't be. I usually get like early nineties. So I'm only a question or two away from getting a B+. But my teacher is a cop, he's not a chemist and he, himself, does not get that deep into the topic. So I think from paying attention in class and doing my labs and from the little bit of studying, I probably know enough to get the basics. So I probably did well.... One can't know until next damn Thursday.

I haven't got the results of my Western Civilization exam either. It was freakin scantron, it only takes a second to put it in the machine and get the results but ACK he hasn't posted the results yet. He's a very hands off teacher. Very lazy. I would say he's a bad teacher, in fact. But I just ignore him and teach myself on my own time. And I have to thank him for being lazy because I think that's what prompted him to make only slight variations to the practice quizzes on the website.

I can't gloat in my success because of that obsession I have..

I don't want to get into it right now. It's a sad topic. I want to be happy today.

The tests never end though. I think I have another test on Wed. For Sociology. And I have a poem due on Thursday. Hmm.. I should write the poem today. It's very simple but I can never think of an appropriate topic to write about. In fact, I always found poems to be very personal and I hate to write them because I feel like whatever I say will expose my feelings in this uncomfortable way. I guess I'm not much of a fiction writer. And you'd think I wouldn't have trouble exposing my inner feelings, I mean, have you read any of my journal entries? I do it all the damn time. But there's something selective about poems. They are selective because they're so short. And I suspect that's part of why it makes me uncomfortable.

It's art + feelings. It's like my feelings are getting judged as art. So I have to shape my feelings. I have to make them artistic. I usually find them pretty cheesy and I can't really get a good poem out of them. I've written a couple poems that I'm proud of. Although if I were an actual poet they wouldn't be impressive. But because I'm not a poet at all, I'm proud of them because they're better than I expected.

So the other night the power went out like fifty times. It went out and then a few minutes later it came back on and then it went out again and flickered but stayed off for a minute and then came back on. And then a few minutes later it went out again and flickered and stayed off. And etc. I finally gave up and went to sleep. I was trying to finish an episode of Monk. I had like five minutes left of the episode so I kept turning it back on after the power came on and I'd watch a half a minute more and then the power would turn off again. Finally it stayed off for more than I wanted to wait so I decided to go to sleep.

Cause I'm afraid of the dark so it was scary every time the power was out. But as I sat there waiting for it to come on the last time, before I went to sleep, with the fear rushing over me... I finally thought... what is it that makes the darkness different from the light?

And I answered that in the light, I can physically see my surroundings. I'm in control because I know what's going on around me. There's no one there to sneak up on me. I mean monsters could hypothetically be invisible and end up eating me even when the lights are on but the point is, I feel in control, thus, I feel safe.

So I sort of just suggested, What if I could see in the dark as well. And it's hard to explain why this helped, why this changed anything. But it was almost like I surrendered my physical eyes to my spiritual eyes. Namely, I suppose, my third eye. And suddenly I looked around, not being able see anything with my physical eyes but knowing that I was safe with another eye.

The reason the light makes me feel safe is because I can see I'm safe. And suddenly I could also see that I was safe in the dark. I realized that just because I couldn't see with my physical eyes doesn't mean I can't know that I'm still safe. I completely have faith in the spiritual who can most assuredly see in the dark. So whether I surrendered to my Mighty IAM Presence or my Third Eye or just an angel... in any case, the fear left. Even on those days when I stand up to my fears and I call to Shiva to protect me I try to be okay in the dark... the truth is, the fear is still there because I'm still not in control. Simply because my physical eyes can't see and it makes me panic. Even if I hopefully have faith that Shiva can protect me, I still feel out of control and it scares me.

So I didn't really surrender control even when I was in the dark. I just thought, what is it that makes me okay sitting in this exact same spot when the lights are on, calm and serene - that changes when the lights are off. And then I just sort of proposed that I might have a way of still knowing that I was protected the way my physical eyes told me when the lights were on. I couldn't see what was there but I could Know what wasn't there. Like I could sense that there were no threats in a way to satisfy myself even if I couldn't physically see anything.

And it was the first time a long time that the fear left. I just sat there in a very serene way. And I looked around in the dark and my eyes reminded me that I was still not in control because they couldn't see. It was like I was telling myself, go back to being afraid. But the fear just wasn't there.

Of course, I didn't dare test it for very long so I crawled into bed and went to sleep. But it was definitely a break through because many times I've tried to face my fear and I've been able to stand up in the middle of the dark room and essentially face the unknown. But I was scared shitless and the panic never left me. So this was the first time that the panic did leave me. I still want to sleep with the lights on but it was interesting to surrender my physical control like that. We rely on our senses so much, we survive on our senses. And in a second I'd decided that I didn't need my senses to protect myself. That there was definitely a way to give myself what my senses originally gave me.

It's like saying, I'm more than human. It's like saying my power isn't limited to my human form. I surpass humanity. Not in a superhuman way but in a spiritual way.