Well, I Withdrew from my French class. :)

And it was an initiation for me because the Masters were telling me that I needed to stay in the class to learn French because it was important for my future. But I knew that it wasn't right for me to stay in the class, although I can't dispute learning French in general because I really want to learn French. But I passed the test, since regardless of being told to stay in the class I knew I wanted to leave.

Oddly though, I'm belittling my own feelings when it all comes to mind. I was really happy when the woman told me that it wouldn't effect my GPA. lol. Most people, as Amelia did last semester, withdraw before the class is through because if they fail it will be on their transcript but if they withdraw it will only show as a withdrawn course, instead of a failed course. And I keep thinking about my B on my test, proving that although I would definitely not fail the course, that I would not do as well as I do in all my other classes. Because regardless of if I enjoy the classes or not, I do very well. A's are my grade range.

So it felt to me like pride. Because I when I have trouble in a class the first thing that comes to my is my GPA. It's a pride thing. Something to show off.

So it's silly of me, and this is how I'm belittling my feelings, to withdraw simply because a B isn't good enough for me. But maybe the B is symbolic or a metaphor or some various literary term that means that the B represented the environment in which I didn't want to learn.

Meaning, I got the B unconsciously on purpose. All the other courses, regardless of what it took, I intended to get an A. And so I did. French was not too difficult for me. I won't belittle my ability. But my will was not in it.... probably for reasons I'm not fully aware of. I think the GPA represents my choice. It's pride about my ability to pass but one thing is sure, there is a difference between failing because you didn't want to pass and failing because you couldn't pass. I've never been the latter. And getting a high GPA is my proof that I Chose to pass. And that I kept it up. It's a steady process, to get a good GPA. Getting a lower grade wasn't necessarily proof of my lack of ability, but it was proof that I chose not to do as well, although I would have still passed, I'd like to think.

There are a lot of obvious reasons that I didn't want to do it, and surely some abstract reasons. The environment was too forced and structured to appease my free soul, I suppose. God knows I love to learn. But I also like to choose what I learn. And the government tries to take away our right to do that, by putting us in public school with a core curriculum and the structure that gives us tests and grades and forces us to pass or stay there until we do.

The American school system is really lacking in good sense. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that there are many better school systems in the world. And maybe they have their problems too....

Doubt is one of those parallel concepts. There's a fine line between confidence and cockiness. But to humble yourself from cockiness does not mean that you should allow yourself to be doubted. I guess the difference is in motivation. What makes someone cocky is that they Want to be Right because of pride. So they don't wish to be true, they merely wish to have a prideful superiority.

As I began to ease my ego's perception on my own right and wrong behavior, I came to the problem of knowing the difference between being right in a cocky manner and being right in a confident manner. A lot of people, Stephanie Stogner comes to mind, like to tell me that I'm negatively being confident. That I stick to my own opinions in a stuck up manner, like I won't listen to anyone else. But that's not so.

To oppose cockiness, what do you have to do? Always wait for approbation or someone to approve of your beliefs? To always wonder, in fear and doubt if you're wrong about what you believe? That's not strength and it's not power. To believe in your confidence to the point where you refuse to admit you're wrong when you are very obviously wrong, is not much worse than not being able to listen to your inner belief systems, which tell you what is right and wrong for yourself.

There has to be a balance. Where you can trust yourself, but be open to change. And that's the fine line. If you wish only to be right and not true, then you'll lie to yourself and to others because it's easier to believe that you're true than to find real truth. It's a lot longer road to search for real truth. I don't wish to be right. Stephanie thinks I do because she's projecting her own wishes. I wish to be true. To myself more than anybody. And if my goal is to be true, not right, then I don't hang on to my opinions because I want to believe that everything I say is right. I merely hang on to what I believe is true, which is not motivated by pride. It's motivated by my perception of what truth is. And no one can tell me what to believe is true.

Do you see how fine a line it is?