I'm in a slightly gabby mood so let's see what I have to share...

The other day I was wore a skirt and boots to school. And I was in my sociology class, in our group, so our desks were turned together when I had an itch. lol not anywhere special. My skirt is about two inches above my knee and I brought it up about a centimeter more to scratch the itch on my thigh. And as I did it I looked at the guy across from me to see if he took notice, since he can see directly under my desk but he wasn't paying attention. So I was in the middle of asking a question and I turned to Mike and finished the question... and low and behold He was looking. I didn't think he could really see but I don't think he could see my lap, however my legs, he could apparently see.

He looked at them and then he looked up at me with his mouth open like he was going to answer my question but he paused and then said, what? Like he hadn't been listening, like he was distracted. I was surprised that he noticed, because of the position of his desk. But the first thought that occurred to me was that my legs don't look flattering when crossed. The underside of my calf, near my knee, that gets smooshed when my legs are crossed isn't really that pretty. Ugly, in my opinion. Probably seems silly but one has to keep her flaws hidden to feel publicly comfortable. C'est la vie. So I moved my legs because if he would take notice, I'd prefer him to take notice of my legs in a different position. And then I looked over at him and he was looking down again!

I didn't think my legs would be that interesting since I'd stopped scratching.. it almost seemed like he was intently looking at my boots, but I doubt that. Anyway, I thought it amusing. It could have been anything other than what it seemed to me, but I've never been the type of girl to make guys... I dunno drool, gawk. I definitely catch their attention, but they usually can keep cool. Mike was distracted... by me, I can only assume.

And he is SO sexy. But he doesn't have the cocky attitude you'd expect to go along with his looks. He bites his lip ring a lot, he plays with it. It sort of comes off as a nervous habit. It makes him seem very humble. It doesn't seem like a lot to go on but it was just an afterthought anyway.

He has the most gorgeous eyes. They're blue and I don't usually like blue but they're very dark and they have a lot of... texture? They're not clear, flawless blue. He's got the type of eyes that interest you when you look at them, you know? Like you want to keep looking because they're actually interesting to look at... he's just so yummy. And that day he was wearing a beanie and his outfit was sort of color coded. It matched in this way that just felt right. Like I looked at the outfit and it clicked the way my outfits click when I put them together. I think it was nearly that I wanted to wear the outfit because it was a hot outfit, not a female hot outfit but I don't usually wear female hot outfits anyway...

So that was the story I didn't write about a few days ago because I didn't want to hurt Dan.

But you know what I realized? I don't want to shield Dan from the truth either. I don't want to pretend like there's nothing further than Dan. Old habits can sneak back in an instant. Talking to Dan again is bringing back all the old habits, the old mindsets, the old patterns of my behavior. The unhealthy stuff that I have been very glad to get rid of. I don't regret being with Dan for that time, I don't regret anything I had to put up with. But when I moved on, it was a way of saying that I no longer found it necessary or enjoyable to live that life.

I don't want any of those old habits back. And they all stem from romance and dependency.

Truth is, the problem with long distance relationships is that you actually push away tangible reality for your conceptual reality. Dan would be a conceptual reality. He is no more than a concept. Our love is no more than a concept. We can't or rather, wouldn't be able to express through anything but words. We can't build a life together, we can't live together, we can't eat together, we can't sleep together, we can't play a board game together, we can't shop together, we can't watch a movie together, we can't kiss, we can't have sex, we can't see each other face to face. What kind of love does that leave? It leaves a somewhat inactive love. A conceptual love.

I think before Dan, I hadn't had any reality worth pursuing. I was pretty bored. And Dan pretty much opened up my heart again. Sort of reawakened my spirits a little bit. But I was dependent on him. And there wasn't much of him in my life. Honestly, so much of those six months was spent in my head, thinking about him. I was living our relationship in my head, in my mental concepts, in my hopes. Because there wasn't much else.

I like my life right now. I enjoy it a lot. I enjoy going to school. I enjoy talking to people. I enjoy making friends. I enjoy reading. I enjoy driving to school. I feel like I have a life that lets me blossom. This isn't uncommon, per se, for humans. But it has been uncommon for me ever since Mike and I broke up. So, the point is, I want to blossom. And being with Dan makes me retreat into my mind, into the reality that doesn't exist, hoping for a relationship that I really want but don't have.

I enjoy Dan a lot. When I have him in a tangible manner, on the telephone. His voice is tangible. And then I start to expand my fantasy and I think about all the wonderful things that I could have with him. And then I get hooked on those fantasies. Wishing they could be true. Dreaming they could be true. And I begin to ignore what can be true. Last semester, there wasn't anything really tempting anyway. Just Jeremiah and I gave him a try regardless.

This semester, I want to live. I don't want to be emotionally involved with Dan. I don't want to be attached to him. I don't want to be dependent on him. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to feel like I can't talk about a sexually attractive guy in my sociology class because that would hurt him. I don't owe him that. I don't owe him any commitment or loyalty.

And he just can't seem to want anything from me except all that. He doesn't want to just simply talk on the phone, he wants to be in love with me. I don't want to be in love with him. I care about him, but I'm not in love with him and I'm trying my damnedest to keep it from happening again. It won't benefit me at all. And I've tried not to engage in any of his attempts to suck me into his romantic and sexual snare. I can't tell him to stop because if I do, he won't give me anything. It's impossible for him to care about me enough to call me and talk to me, without romance. Love motivates him. Nothing else seems to. I enjoy him outside of love.

You think about John and Mike... guys who I loved, but didn't like. You know? When the love faded, there wasn't anything left. It's not like that with Dan. The love can fade and everything I loved about him is still there to be liked and enjoyed. It's not love that motivates me to enjoy him, love just gives it a little excitement. And I refuse to get hooked on that excitement because it will only torture me. It's a fantasy. I've got reality, with excitement at my fingertips. I can't mold my reality, I can create my life. With Dan as my life, I'm stuck. I'm just so very stuck. There's nothing I can do but play a passive, begging part. Wishing and hoping that things could be under my jurisdiction. But they won't be, not under these circumstances.

So, other news??? Well, I get to recite The Raven for my English class. Although she said she wouldn't make us do it in front of the whole class, she'd put us into small groups and make us recite our poems to each other. That's unfortunate... It won't be for a while though. But I'm happy to practice. I've really got all but three paragraphs memorized. Although I sometimes forget the order. Today I wrote down the first few words of each paragraph in order so that I could recite the stuff from my head but follow the list of paragraphs. I think the more I practice the more I'll be able to remember what follows what. And then I can memorize the last three paragraphs and I'm set.

We also get to write a poem but it's an ABC poem. Sort of limited because it's so short. I don't generally like poems but because I have to do this stuff, I'm sort of excited to see what I make of it. What my creativity will come up with, now that I'm forced to try. I wouldn't otherwise get this chance, since I'm not interested in writing poetry. Plus, my English class has given me a new light on literature and analysis. And even writing. So I like my literary perspective, as it's never been before.

My Western Civilization final is on Wed. I have to read the first eight chapters of my text. Lots of stuff to memorize but I have a system, once I get going it should be easy.

I'm hooked on gatorade. God, I love to drink it. I get hooked on liquids easily. It's just so damn refreshing to gulp down liquid. I love the feeling. It never lasts long cause how much liquid can you drink at once? And it goes down so damn fast. Mostly because I'm so eager for it. I crave it. A lot of the times I don't even like what I'm drinking. Just have to get it down. My grape juice isn't pleasing me very much lately and I bring gatorade to school with me, but lately I can't help but gulp it down at home. I could drink ten a day if I didn't have any self-restraint.

Alas, I do.

So I only drink two or three a day. :)

It's heaven.

A couple weeks ago I had a dream about this guy in my school. He works at the computer lab. He's a student but I guess he does the work/study thing. He's not caucasian. That sounds weird to say but I don't know what his ethnicity is. He's got black hair and dark eyes, sort of like he's Middle Eastern but he also seems a little Spanish. I don't know... anyway, he has this very mature vibe. Mostly because I first noticed him last semester when he was working at the computer lab. He gave me a brownie one time. I was there late and he had some left so he went around asking people if they wanted one. I like him. I don't know him but that mature thing makes me like him.

So the dream was weird. I can't quite remember it. He was the person in it but sometimes in dreams one character is two people you know... and the other person that he kind of seemed like was Mike, Jenny's brother, from Utah. Or perhaps it took place in Utah so that's what makes me think it's him. It reminded me of them both... Anyway, he was a vampire. And I think it had sex in it. I don't know that I actually had sex, but there was something sexual. Maybe I only got as far as taking off my clothes or something. I really can't remember any more than that. I don't know what the deal with the vampire thing was... Kind of reminds me of Merrick. More than a little bit, actually. Same theme, I suppose.

I seem him around a lot. The other day he held the door for me. I liked it because it fit his personality so when I said thanks I said it earnestly almost like saying, "thanks for being you". Although, truth be told he could be a total psycho. And then another day I nearly hit him. Well he was stopped, ready to pull out onto the main road. I was pulling in from the main road. Our paths wouldn't cross. But when I saw him I got a tad distracted and I didn't slow down enough so when I turned it was a pretty crappy turn, I didn't get close to hitting his car but I did end up going into a lot of his lane past his car... I was a little embarrassed because he probably saw me and recognized me... and saw my crazy driving. :(

He's probably kind of old. Like Dan old? Probably younger than that. What I mean to say is that it's funny I call him old like he's too old for me because most people who are too old for me are still younger than Dan. ha.

Anyway, I think I'm done gabbing. My body is kind of sore and wants to relax. I think I was tense from watching Remington Steele. God Pierce Brosnan is soooooooooooooooooo sexy. He turns me on lots. And I like the girl too. Not sexually, I just admire her. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep though...