I had a dream I was married and it really intrigues me. It was more or less Mike who I was married to, but that's nearly insignificant. It wasn't the Mike I know, it was just what he represents to me because of the intimate relationship we had. It was such a comforting dream. The feeling. He was rich, and had a lot of family as rich people sometimes do. They have big houses and the relatives can afford to travel and such. It was kind of a British house. I was reading Agatha Christie last night, she may have set the mood.

Anyway, it was very much like Remington Steele. Laura and Remington had feelings for each other but had never let it progress until they married suddenly, to keep him from being deported. And then they had to pretend to be married and I loved it. I loved watching them fake it. Because they were so good together. They were also very mean to each other and I got that shocked feeling a few times -for them. Because Remington was kissing that girl and one other thing that I've forgotten now and Laura was kissing that stupidass Italian. Anyway, that's not the point at all.

They were really cute together because they liked each other but even though they were married, they were still unwilling to submit to their feelings. So they were faking it when need be and the ironic thing is that it didn't need to be fake. The intimacy could have so easily been real. It was cute because you knew that's how it would be if they would finally submit to it. Which, they did in a very queer way. The directors made them a little funky about relationships. And I think they finally had a happy ending, naturally, the series ended on that note. :(

Anyway, still not quite the point. In my dream, I was rather suddenly married. Don't know how it happened. I was dreaming about classes, about these weird class with a weird mood... and then about nearly getting shot and pretending to be dead, but he didn't fool for it. But he was attracted to me so I think that's why he didn't shoot me. And then I guess I came to this dream. I was riding the bus but there was a steering wheel half way down the bus and someone was steering there as well as the original driver up front doing the brakes and all that. And I thought it crazy because it's a duo, steering and braking together - based on each other. I was about to mention how dangerous it was when an accident did occur, and the bus toppled over.

Everybody was okay but I guess then I was back home to that rich house. And I'm not quite certain my relatives liked me. Laura and Remington hadn't consummated their marriage. And neither had we. We did actually get married. I just don't know how it happened. Like there was no big ceremony. To my knowledge, we were just suddenly married. And that's really fine with me. In any case, I think I'd been on my period for the first week. So I was planning to have sex with him that night. But I first had to go to class, which I actually do today - I have a night class as in my dream. And that's pretty much when I woke up.

It sounds pretty boring but it felt nice. Having somebody, belonging to somebody. I haven't had that feeling in over two years. I always said dating Mike was a lot like being married, at least for a teenage standard. And the sex was comforting. It wasn't fun and it wasn't passionate. But it was comforting. It was comforting to be that intimate with his body before we had sex, and there was something nice about getting naked with him. I guess because it wasn't scary or pressured. Maybe because it wasn't good sex, there was little pressure to make it good sex, I just accepted the fact. I didn't want good sex at that time. Seriously? One step at a time, for me.

I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of having sex. And if you can't imagine what I mean I'll illustrate with oral sex. on my body, for example. It was kind of like, the extremely simple sex that we had was a good first step. I was too uncomfortable and afraid of too many things to have good sex at that point. Although I've always thought that had we shared some passion, that could have pushed me to face my fears - it was lack of passion that made me immobile. But in any case, sex is so intimidating these days. Knowing the next time I have sex I actually have to have sex. Activity, that's key. There wasn't a lot of activity between Mike and I.

But as I said, our sex was simple and yet comforting. Easy. It was comforting to be that comfortable with his body. Being naked. Having sex, technically. I know, I keep saying we weren't having sex and we were having sex but the difference is in intimate details and I'd rather not say. Because I'm still not over my fear. I don't care about the situation I had with Mike. I miss only a few things. And one of those things is intimacy. Safety. I felt like we belonged together so I felt safe. I've never felt safe with anyone that way.

I'll never have that with Dan or John. We've been through too much unstableness. It doesn't make sense for our relationships to suddenly become safe. They've already got an unstable reputation. The dream was nice because it was new, I'd just gotten married and as with Remington and Laura - it's like marriage was a way to become intimate against their will. You get married and suddenly you've signed a certificate of stability. Not to say that marriages last or that they're even faithful. But believe me, considering the relationships I've had with John and Dan, which were truly not relationships at all - that's the plus of marriage. It's ultimately saying that someone belongs to you and only you, recognized by the law, society and everybody around you. It can be abused, naturally. But it's something. Something more than I've had.

I'm tired of John and Dan. Like I said, our relationships have bad reputations. Why try to make something good out of what's already bad? I like to just dump it and move on, find something new, unscathed. I want to be able to trust someone again. To believe in them, and believe in my relationship with them. I want to be able to have someone belong to me.

In all seriousness, my mom says I don't have any karma with anyone in New York. Perhaps she only means in my area, I can't really be sure. All I know is - fucking sad as it may be... emotions are often led by karmic attraction. We're emotionally attracted to those that can allow us to balance our karma. That's why I originally asked. I wanted to know if I had any karma with John. I wonder if I don't but he does... I didn't think of it that way. John may have karma with me but I don't have any karma with him. Maybe that's why he's attracted to me. Or perhaps it's something else. I just wanted some rational reasoning added to all that crap.

The point is, though, that currently, I have little hope for friends and lovers because I understand that people are often brought together through karma. And I don't know how I'm going to be brought together with anyone, without karma. I realize that from being in school. Last semester I wasn't social at all, that was the problem. But this semester I am social, it just hasn't progressed with anyone I can really walk away with.

Honestly, you can't make these things happen. When I think back to my other friendship I have no idea how it started. How we hit it off. But that's what happened, IT happened. We became friends for unexplainable reasons. These days, if it doesn't happen, there's not a lot I can do. I can't make me and someone else hit it off. You can't force yourself to have common interests. Or common attraction.

That's the hardest part about moving to some place new. You've had all these friends, you don't know how it originated. It just did. And now you realize that you're amongst a bunch of strangers and friendships have to bud anew. And you wonder how the fuck it's going to happen. And either it does or it doesn't. Luckily, when I was new to New York everybody was all over me. I had lots of requests to sit at like five different lunch tables, I had people walking with me in the hall, asking me to hang out after school, asking me out in a romantic way, giving me lots of attention. I didn't end up with that many friends. I had to make my selection and I chose Jaymie, Maegan and Kyle. But in any case...

Adults have trouble making friends too. I know they do. When you're in school you're forced with a bunch of peers, you're bound to make friends. It's not like that when you're an independent adult. As I said, when you're a kid, that environment is forced on you. When you're an adult, that environment is chosen. You have to make independent choices to find a social life. I'm not ready for that. Not that I would wish myself back in high school. There weren't any people to befriend, that's a major reason I left. I'd had it with the whole lot. James was the only one I really liked and he fucking moved!

I don't know. I just feel doomed to be alone for a while and Jeezus I've already been alone for a while. Thing is, I refuse to befriend someone who keeps me company but who I don't find enjoyable. I find it absurd to assume that there isn't anybody out there who I can enjoy. I know I'm extremely awkward and picky about people but there's got to be somebody I like. That's why love is so simple, it makes you want someone you don't even need to like. But I can't find anybody to be in love with either. At least nobody who will be in love with me.

I think the whole point of this hour long entry, was to bring up the point that I want the intimacy and comfort of getting married.

I had a dream that I was a penguin. Well, I don't know, I can't quite remember. See, I was going to enter the olympics. I think it had something to do with swimming. And I had this superhuman ability. I don't mean super strong, I mean the way a cat can jump up on a cabinet - whereas a human does not have that ability - thus, superhuman. But it seemed to have something to do with penguins. Cause I remember telling somebody that I had practiced a lot but in some.. unconventional way.

I want to say in a dream. Like I had practiced in a dream and in that dream or within my practicing, I had become a penguin. And I knew that during the actual olympics, I could not turn into a penguin because people can't turn into penguins in real life, at least to my knowledge. And I hadn't found a way around that. I think I was considering that I could probably still dive in a superior way, so that's what I'd do at the olympics.

It's really hard to make a dream sound credible because dream logic is not the same as real logic. I'm sure the combination of subconscious symbols in a storyline doesn't always resemble the sensible world. I don't know how or why penguins or olympics. I just remember the impressions of each.

I often have dreams that I'm in fictional worlds. Like I'm a character in Charmed, or Harry Potter or Remington Steele. The last two I've had this week. The one where I was in Remington Steele was action packed, as the show is. I couldn't possibly detail the details because they weren't logical, remember? It was just a lot of running and an intricate setting and a lot of characters. And the one with Harry Potter was not so much Harry Potter, actually as, now that I think about it Charmed. It's just that I had magic, but I had a wand and the spell that I said was from Harry Potter, because it was the only one my subconscious could imagine -- the words, that is. But what I was trying to do was different.

I think I also wrapped my legs around someone and forced them to topple over, that isn't magic but it's effective. I don't remember why or how we were being bombarded. Or who. I just remember that when I was sending out my spells, the difficulty was that I couldn't tell who were the good guys (with me) and who were the bad guys. They'd been all mixed up. Sort of like what would happen if a group of people were undercover within another group of people and the second group of people found out and attacked but everybody was all mixed up and it's hard to have a defense when you're all over the place - and I don't know why I couldn't tell who was on my side.

Strange how I often find myself trying to talk someone out of liking me or wanting my company or wanting to date me. As soon as I hear anything of the sort I feel automatically burdened. I think I feel that no one has anything to offer me, thus I have nothing to offer them in return because if somebody has no use to me, why would I waste my time on them? And I guess I feel a little guilty, because it's quite nearly an insult for me to tell them to leave me alone, simply because it does mean I find them useless to me. I sometimes wish they found me useless in the first place.

Isn't it funny how John is always home and online Sunday night through Wed night? So he keeps me up on all my school days. I'm finally done Thursday night and ready to talk and he's gone!

I've had so much insomnia lately. It might have something to do with John. I mean it's obvious that when I'm talking to him it keeps me up. But even when I'm not talking to him I still lay in bed for hours. I only had one night where, because I'd missed so much sleep the previous two nights I was ready to pass our for ten hours or so.

It might have more to do with John. A restlessness on my part. But what I'm restless about I'm not quite sure.

The other morning, at four in the morning, John and I decided to go to Hudson. To Taco Bell even though he knew full well it wasn't open. It was a terrible morning. My defroster doesn't work so I was blind the whole way there. I absolutely hate Hudson, but I'm also unaccustomed to driving there so coupled with the fact that I was blind and unfamiliar, I got lost. And I was so hungry and cold and irritated and stressed and John had no compassion. Boys. The more chance you have of running off the road, the funner it is for them.

I finally came back home at 6AM. I promised myself I'd never go into Hudson again. But I promised Amelia I'd drive Isis to her dad's house, which happens to be in Hudson. Not only that but I didn't know where it was so between classes yesterday Amelia drove me past it to show me where it is and we got Subway. And then I dropped her off there a half an hour ago.

I had such a profound sense of loss as soon as she was gone. I was chatting with her the whole way there. I adjusted my mirror so we could see each other without me turning around. I've only driven her all by myself once before so I'm not used to having her there with me, keeping me company. But I adjusted quickly and was bothered about not having her there to talk to and look at while I drove back. It made me want to cry. Now I know why she cries every time I leave for school.

My parents are going back to Colombia soon. Next week I think. I didn't get very much sleep but I don't know if I'm ready to go back to sleep again. Sleep feels like such a waste of time. Maybe that's what it is... I guess I've grown used to talking to John and I like to do it. It just feels more worthwhile than sleeping. I can't say that it really is more worthwhile, it's possibly a waste of time. But it's something I want to do and the idea of sleeping instead of talking to him doesn't please me. And the idea of sleeping even when he's not talking to me doesn't please me because I'm patiently waiting for him to be able to talk to me. I'm still giving that up when I go to sleep. Even if he's gone, he could come back.

These are subconscious feelings. I mean, I'm not consciously missing him. But I do like talking to him. I don't know why. I guess he's the most real friend I've had for a while. Since James stopped hanging out with me. And I like to have dependable companionship sometimes.

[02:15] BizZyTheKiD1030: well what are you thinking about
[02:15] IAMSpartacus117: I'm thinking about the fact that even though I want "a doll" i would sacrifice many things for love.
[02:16] IAMSpartacus117: in general, I have a doll in mind, but I don't think it will actually hinder my ever having a good relationship.
[02:16] BizZyTheKiD1030: and who would that doll be
[02:16] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know any good dolls at the moment.
[02:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: well you said you had one in mind
[02:17] IAMSpartacus117: in theory.
[02:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: ah
[02:17] IAMSpartacus117: In my fantasies I hope for someone to play with who is devoid of consciousness.
[02:17] IAMSpartacus117: as Mike somewhat was.
[02:18] BizZyTheKiD1030: an ugly kid with an over under bite?
[02:18] IAMSpartacus117: he has a very sexy body, for the record.
[02:18] IAMSpartacus117: I'm sure you've seen it since he loves showing it off.
[02:19] IAMSpartacus117: it didn't help our sex life any, unfortunately.
[02:19] BizZyTheKiD1030: well thats too bad huh
[02:19] IAMSpartacus117: yes
[02:20] IAMSpartacus117: personality matters more than looks, it seems.
[02:22] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea, it does.
[02:23] IAMSpartacus117: so whats on your mind?
[02:23] BizZyTheKiD1030: im trying to picture what a relationship would be like with you
[02:24] IAMSpartacus117: and what do you imagine?
[02:26] BizZyTheKiD1030: its foggy
[02:26] IAMSpartacus117: oh
[02:28] BizZyTheKiD1030: I do see alot of good sex though
[02:29] IAMSpartacus117: ha
[02:29] BizZyTheKiD1030: j/k
[02:29] BizZyTheKiD1030: though it would be better then Mike
[02:30] IAMSpartacus117: I'm very shy, reserved and vain when it comes to sex. it's not really a good combination.
[02:31] BizZyTheKiD1030: you would have such better sex if you were more comfortable
[02:31] IAMSpartacus117: yes. I sometimes wonder what kind of sex I'd have if I was a bit drunk.
[02:32] IAMSpartacus117: but truth be told, it's not me who has to be drunk, it's him. I'm too intimidated by another's consciousness so if his was lessened I'd be alright.
[02:33] IAMSpartacus117: I would have much more fun if I could tell myself he won't remember it in the morning, although if it was any good it would be sad if he couldn't remember it.
[02:33] BizZyTheKiD1030: alright so how about this, we both get plastered and forget everything from there?
[02:33] IAMSpartacus117: tempting.
[02:34] BizZyTheKiD1030: is it
[02:34] IAMSpartacus117: the idea of letting all my inhibitions go? Yes.
[02:34] BizZyTheKiD1030: you might as well have fun while you can
[02:34] BizZyTheKiD1030: in all seriousness now
[02:35] BizZyTheKiD1030: i understand that your a very smart girl, and well educated, and i really, am not. and you like to be serious and have things in your control, but thats no fun
[02:36] BizZyTheKiD1030: im smart, just in different ways then you are
[02:36] BizZyTheKiD1030: though that doesnt help me be intimidated when im talking to you but thats besides the point
[02:36] BizZyTheKiD1030: i think you should have as much fun now as you can
[02:36] BizZyTheKiD1030: now that doesnt mean drink and do drugs
[02:36] BizZyTheKiD1030: but to just let your self go sometimes
[02:37] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea..
[02:37] BizZyTheKiD1030: thats my half assed advice
[02:37] BizZyTheKiD1030: enjoy.
[02:37] IAMSpartacus117: I bet you tell that to all the girls to get them in bed.
[02:37] BizZyTheKiD1030: no, no i really dont, and im not trying to get you in bed
[02:37] BizZyTheKiD1030: im just telling you my honest opinion
[02:38] IAMSpartacus117: well I appreciate it but truth be told, fun isn't the goal for everybody.
[02:38] IAMSpartacus117: fun is overrated. fun is a face for so much more meaning.
[02:38] IAMSpartacus117: I like to bypass fun and search for what really means something to me and why it does.
[02:38] BizZyTheKiD1030: i do that later
[02:39] BizZyTheKiD1030: though im still goal oriented
[02:39] BizZyTheKiD1030: im still a Kid
[02:39] BizZyTheKiD1030: at least for another year or so
[02:39] IAMSpartacus117: I didn't have a lot of fun. at least it wasn't satisfying. I wanted more and I wanted to learn about the things that would sometimes keep me form having fun.
[02:40] IAMSpartacus117: I think to truly enjoy life you have to discover yourself. and that's what I do.
[02:40] IAMSpartacus117: Not to say that I don't have fun now. my fun is just not typical fun. I get enjoyment out of a lot of various things, they're just deeper and more personal enjoyment. not the typical "fun" things that people do. I see little sense in those things.
[02:41] IAMSpartacus117: it's like I don't need a party to have a good time. I don't need the excuse of circumstance to enjoy myself.
[02:41] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea, i can understand where your coming from
[02:42] BizZyTheKiD1030: i just do the more typical
[02:42] IAMSpartacus117: I can be entirely blissfully happy and satisfied at any time and any place, regardless of the outer circumstances.

[01:43] IAMSpartacus117: good. I began another one. Now I'm in the middle of five books.
[01:43] BizZyTheKiD1030: wow
[01:44] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah I don't know. It's unsatisfactory to finish one book and you want to feel like you accomplished a lot for all your hard work but you've only got one single book on your record, at least for the time being.
[01:45] IAMSpartacus117: I think I'm eager to put good time into all these books and then in one saturday afternoon finish them all up and have a good lot of things to be proud of at once.
[01:45] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea
[01:46] IAMSpartacus117: I'm very goal oriented. I love reading but I can't just swim in an endless ocean. It makes me feel disoriented. So I have to have an end in sight, something to work for.

[01:50] IAMSpartacus117: you know that I can recite a 108 line poem.
[01:50] BizZyTheKiD1030: thats impressive
[01:50] IAMSpartacus117: I am quite impressive sometimes. :p
[01:50] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea, you are
[01:51] IAMSpartacus117: a lot of the time I abstain from doing things when I fear that I won't be impressive at all and I don't want that on my record.
[01:51] IAMSpartacus117: I'm very vain.
[01:51] BizZyTheKiD1030: i see...
[01:52] IAMSpartacus117: yes I've always been quite a chickenshit.
[01:52] BizZyTheKiD1030: lol
[01:53] IAMSpartacus117: I can't figure out if I like to sleep alone or not.
[01:54] BizZyTheKiD1030: i dont like to sleep alone
[01:54] IAMSpartacus117: because I think it's delightful to sleep with someone else but I also find that I've spent so much solitary time, with my own privacy, without having to worry about my vanity because there was no one there to observe me. Having someone there puts me ill at ease.
[01:55] IAMSpartacus117: But I suppose if I had a sleeping partner it would be somebody I trusted and loved and that might make it easier.
[01:56] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea
[01:58] IAMSpartacus117: All the time when I'm alone I wish I had some affection and comfort. But in my head, it's more like I wish for a body, a doll if you will. Something more in theory. Because when I actually have company I'm too aware that they're conscious and that wasn't how they were in my head.
[01:58] IAMSpartacus117: I feel kind of invaded by their consciousness.
[01:59] BizZyTheKiD1030: understandable
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: yes.
[02:03] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know what I want from people. It's clear that I'm not lonely. I prefer to have my own space. I feel trapped in the presence of others. But like I said, I long for affection and company. I guess it all comes from Mike. Before him I tried to have good relationships with friends and other guys but until him I didn't have someone I really trusted there with my all the time. So then afterwards in a kind of childish way I decided not to waste my time with what couldn't compare to the intimacy I had with Mike. But to be honest, he was kind of empty of personality. He had a little bit of stubborness and a lot of childishness but he was, in essence, a lot like the doll I picture in my head. Someone to play with but not someone to worry about. He wasn't necessarily obediant but I was the dominating personality and I would have ot be really in love to have it any other way.
[02:03] IAMSpartacus117: Now I'm just all messed up, spent too much time alone, too much time in control -- I can't afford to share my control with anyone else.

Now Mike has become the representation for what kind of relationship I want. Something that won't invade my privacy. In essence, a consciousness I can suppress. I don't mind being joined at the hip as long as I can still have control of my sense of balance and unfortunately at the expense of whoever I'm dating. Now all this time alone, with that picture in my mind, I've not been set up for a balanced relationship mindset.

[02:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: is that why you get sick of me easily
[02:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: because i like to be in control as well
[02:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: and you dont want that
[02:04] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know what you're talking about, do I get sick of you easily?
[02:05] BizZyTheKiD1030: well i mean, like getting on your nerves
[02:05] BizZyTheKiD1030: aside from my childlike actions
[02:07] IAMSpartacus117: I realized when you were here that you were not the obedient doll for me to play with. you have too many of your own wants and the enthusiasm to make them happen. I was slightly frustrated with it. however, I can afford to let go of my dictating personality and resolve not to control someone else, but what I can't afford is to let someone control me. And until you realize that your wants may conflict with my needs and that it's selfish not to understand that, you will easily get on my nerves.
[02:07] BizZyTheKiD1030: hm

I would say something like it's more that everything that happens can produce positive effects. In a shallow sense of life bad things happen all the time but in a deeper sense, there can always be reason in the midst of turmoil.

I can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I don't know. I haven't been really tired all night. Nope. A little drowsy but it passed quickly. I have to be up in like three hours. I have a group project to discuss with my group. BAH. I just need to make an appearance and say a few things that's all. But I need sleep. My mind is so active. I know I'm tired, I just can't seem to lose consciousness...

I realize that I'm lonely. At least I think that's why I want John to come over so badly. I first wanted him to come for passions sake. I was horny. But that's the reason he wouldn't come over because he's involved with Lyla and passion would only bring trouble. And I was desperate. Up until that point I hadn't been willing to make the decision not to mess around with him. The only way I could prevent it from happening is to not hang out at all because I didn't want to have to keep myself from it should the opportunity arise. But then I got desperate and decided I'd do anything just to have him come over. I want him to meet Isis and watch Monk with me. Even though when the time comes I'll still want to make out.

And then I was thinking to myself, why does it matter if we make out? Who cares if he cheats on Lyla? As long as I don't expect him to dump her for me, because he won't, then why should it matter if we kiss a little?? Desperation was asking me to haggle, to get what I want. Which seems to be company. I guess without company I'm pretty much okay but to have company at least in a hypothetical way, because we planned to hang out tomorrow and then to have it taken away from me - it makes me feel at a loss. I want to hang out with him. :(

I think I'm actually lightheaded from singing! Orgh.

So let's see, I had this dream about an exam. It was a psychology exam though. And I'm only taking Sociology. Plus, it was with a professor I don't have. It sort of seemed like Professor H, who teaches American History, if I'm not mistaken. I don't have him though. And I never will because I hate American History.

But there were these guys, two of them, who actually happen to be in my Western Civilizations class. They were interrupting our exam. I can't remember what they were after but the teacher had left us to do the exam in the classroom alone. And nobody could do it with all the disturbances. So everybody left. I stayed behind to tell the teacher about it. I remember reading through the questions. I also remember that I hadn't studied. The questions were like analyzations of different situations. Or rather, that's what they were asking for. Kind of odd. And I was a little unsure of how to respond.

Anyway, I was glad the guys interrupted us. So we could have more time to study.

The next dream was wooie. I finally got on Jury Duty. It was a little bit more active though. It was almost like I was a lawyer as well. See, it was basically that one of the twins I babysit for murdered somebody. I don't remember who. But, it was more like they were grown up. And one of them looked like this girl in my Western Civilization class. It's kind of a messed up plot. But I remember questioning Angela about one of the girls. And I was very professional in the way I asked the questions and such. I felt like a lawyer. Even though in the dream I was still young.

It's funny but I can't remember what her testimony was, about what happened. I don't even remember knowing it during the dream. I was concentrating on different aspects of the dream. There was a lot of excitement to it. But then the dream sort of changed... instead of a jury it had like four or five judges who were going to make the decision, kind of like a panel of judges at a contest. But these judges seemed to be Private Investigators as well. And the defense lawyer for the girl on trial tried to buy the judges off. Right there in court actually. He offered the PIs a place in his new firm. Or something like that. But all of them declined, even the one it would most benefit because it would wipe his slate clean, his police record I guess, give him sort of a new identity. He declined as well.

And then the defense, or may be it was Angela trying to protect her daughter, poisoned one of the judges. And he died right there in front of us. But after he died I felt like he was my dad because I remember crying over the fact that he wouldn't see Isis walk again. Him and Isis play a lot and I approve of it. I think it's cute and Isis really likes it and my dad really likes it. So I was sad that that would no longer happen. Although he hadn't really seemed like my dad the rest of the dream.

I don't remember anything else though.

nov 22

[22:11] BizZyTheKiD1030: you still want to know why im jealous
[22:11] IAMSpartacus117: ifyou want to tell me.
[22:11] BizZyTheKiD1030: Dan.
[22:12] IAMSpartacus117: why would you be jealous of him
[22:12] BizZyTheKiD1030: I dont know
[22:12] IAMSpartacus117: yes you do
[22:12] BizZyTheKiD1030: because i feel like i cant compare to him
[22:13] IAMSpartacus117: you've got one important thing he doesn't.
[22:13] BizZyTheKiD1030: what is that?
[22:13] IAMSpartacus117: you live in the same state as me.
[22:14] IAMSpartacus117: we can actually hang out and experience each other in a way that I'll never be able to with dan.
[22:14] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea..thats true
[22:15] IAMSpartacus117: it's not a secret that I really love dan. I have for a few years and I probably always will. but at the moment we're not pursuing that. He's trying to work things out with Jen. we're just friends.
[22:15] IAMSpartacus117: and you and I are just friends as well. You've got lyla.
[22:15] BizZyTheKiD1030: for now
[22:15] IAMSpartacus117: boys need to stop being so posessive.
[22:16] BizZyTheKiD1030: the way i feel for you is so pointless.
[22:16] IAMSpartacus117: how?
[22:16] BizZyTheKiD1030: its unrequited
[22:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea im with lyla
[22:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: but i dont think thats going to last much longer
[22:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: and you said already, your glad how things are now
[22:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: and im cool with that
[22:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: i like being your friend
[22:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: you make me smile
[22:17] BizZyTheKiD1030: your original lol
[22:18] BizZyTheKiD1030: i just wish more could happen, but then again, i think that if it ever does, when or if Dan wants you, you'll go
[22:18] BizZyTheKiD1030: im torn in so many ways
[22:18] BizZyTheKiD1030: and im sorry for bringing this up
[22:19] BizZyTheKiD1030: i like how we've been talking lately, well, when we are speaking, and i dont want this to make things weird at all
[22:19] BizZyTheKiD1030: and i know that i hurt you last time
[22:19] BizZyTheKiD1030: and im so sorry for that
[22:19] BizZyTheKiD1030: and im sorry for saying sorry so much
[22:19] BizZyTheKiD1030: but thats just me
[22:19] IAMSpartacus117: well
[22:21] IAMSpartacus117: I guess firstly I have to say that you told me you didn't think you and lyla were going to be together much longer about three months ago. and you still are. so I really have no reason to expect it to happen this time.
[22:21] BizZyTheKiD1030: i know...
[22:21] IAMSpartacus117: secondly. I like being your friend too. I have serious doubts that it would be a smart idea to be anything more.
[22:22] BizZyTheKiD1030: yea..

I think in that one dream Shannon was in it. and I get the feeling John was in it. And someone I seemed to be dating but I don't know who. Ah well, to be honest I can't really seem to remember that dream. Probably because Isis interrupted it with a piercing scream from the room below. She sometimes does that when she doesn't get her way. Personally, I am not sad to see her go this weekend because she has been a bit of a brat lately. Except that tongue thing she does which is my favorite thing she's ever done in her whole short life... But otherwise she hits my face a lot and she refuses to walk and she has a small temper when she doesn't get her way. I find that things change quickly though. She goes through small phases. Extended moods, if you will. So perhaps she will come home from Anthony's with a different attitude.

In any case, when I went back to sleep I had another dream. Now it was John and Lyla at my house but at the beginning neither were very much like themselves. It was almost as if Dan and Jen came to visit. Except I know it wasn't them. But I didn't know John's girlfriend, I'd only just met her. She did not even look like Lyla. In a fair and unbiased observation I thought she was pretty nice. It seems, they had only gotten back together in a sexual way and John resented her for that so he showed her he didn't like it and I think they agreed to break up that evening.

This was at my house but truthfully it seemed more like a dorm. John was hanging out in what is my mom's room. I suppose we had been hanging out. I don't really remember the beginning, sometimes that happens. So after they cordially broke up Lyla and I chatted. And she seemed to be Lyla at that point. She asked if Jaymie and her family had moved back to Texas and I said I didn't know. And I wanted to ask how college was going with Nicole because I was trying to be polite and conversational. Even though I was aware that she was probably jealous of me since she'd been jealous of me just for talking to him and now she was breaking up with him and leaving him at my house.

And she said something about sexual experiences in passing and I said when have I ever had a good sexual experience. I started to say zero but then realized I'd had one and then realized that that time I had sex in front of Lyla and Joe was an interesting experience. Except in the dream, that experience was double, Joe and Lyla were having sex too. We used to actually talk about that, jokingly I suppose. About having sex at the same time in the same room.

Anyway, John seemed a little more sophisticated in the dream. And this guy came to talk to Lyla. Like I said, people in and out. When he left John came out and complained that she had never listened to his podcasts. Interestingly enough I've never heard anybody but my Western Civilization teacher speak of podcasts. But I think he was trying to accuse her of giving this new guy something she wouldn't give him. Like it was unfair. And he started explaining about a time when they'd gone out together and eaten oysters. I think I woke up after that. I can see that beginning in my head but I can't remember what John and I were talking about....

But I'm trying not to think about John. It occurs to me that this false alarm is deja vu. Except I'm not involved. You know what I mean? He's already had three false alarms with her only at that point, they were because he was planning to date me. This time his break up didn't involve me and yet, I still feel this false break up. I'm mad. That this has happened again. I'm mad that he kept saying he thought they were going to break up and I didn't take the bait until the very end when he finally said they'd broken up and then I finally believed him. And then before I know it they're back to square one and I fell for it again! I'm angry that things really don't change. I'm relieved that my heart wasn't involved this time but I'm angry that my mind can still witness this and still be reminded of the lies given at the expense of my heart, previously. And how John is still that same person. Doing the same things.

I want to get away from him. He's not talking to me because I told him I didn't want to hang out with him this weekend. And I could not think of a good reason in the least for breaking the plans. So he took offense. He hasn't said much to me since. But I want him to talk to me. And that's why I need to get away. If I get to see his mood updates about how he loves Lyla which always seems to me to be retaliation for the way I treat him... or his guilt about flirting behind Lyla's back. Well, I just get ugly reminders. But I can't take him off my myspace. We've gone back and forth doing this too many times. and I don't want to make a public statement to him. I just want to silently slip away.

It's making reading look more appealing than it has been. That and I won ten spider solitaire games and then ACCIDENTALLY pressed the wrong button and screwed up my statistics so it had one loss and I couldn't have that so I had to reset the statistics. So I lost the 15 wins of easiest level, 15 wins of second easiest level and ten wins of hardest level. And the setback has made me lost some of my motivation.

I think I'm reading to dig into some books...

I had two crazy dreams but at this point they seem kind of meshed together. I remember some distinct things about the first one. There was someone abusive. Abusive is an understatement. He was scary. The type of person who is at the head of a gang. Someone who randomly takes people's lives.

That's pretty much what he did. I don't remember who he killed. I think he was a brother of a friend. But the point was, I crossed him. I can't remember how, I think I stuck up for the people he killed or something like that. I defied him in some way. And I was deathly afraid he was going to kill me for it. He left for a while and I think I cleaned my room. And I knew when he came back he'd shoot me or something. But he came back and he was normal, he didn't lose his temper. And then he actually thanked me. I can't remember the exact dialogue but basically it was one of those "I like your style". Sometimes dangerous people don't find other powerful people as threatening. At least in movies. They say things like, "I like your style". And he sort of said that. For some reason he liked that I stood up to him. And I was amazed.

I think I woke up early in the morning and I nearly wrote this down in the blog, while it was fresh. But then I went back to sleep. And I can't even remember the plot to the second dream. There seem to be lots of plots. At one point I was hanging out with someone and I remember getting dressed. Right before I woke up I was studying for a math exam. That seems to be a reoccurring horror. And there was something about Isis. I seemed to bring her to class or something. Anyway, I was studying with two friends from class. But before that I think I hung out with them at a carnival. And yet, one of them had a crush on this distinguished older guy. I don't remember why but I told her that he was a bad person. I knew something about him. I can't remember what. I think she resented me instead of believed me.

And before that I was in the library with Amelia. The librarians were setting up a new system where you can scan and check out books yourself. That's an example of how computers have taken over a person's job. Who needs a librarian? Just to shelve books, eh? And one of the librarians accused Amelia or blamed her of something that she'd done last year at the carnival. It was a mistake she made but I can't quite remember it. I can't quite remember a lot of the details. I don't even remember why I thought the second dream was weird. Especially because I woke up thinking that. When did I come up with that thought, while I was dreaming? Am I forgetting the second dream and this last dream was the third? I DON'T REMEMBER.

Oh well.

I guess there's no point in going back to sleep. I woke up at eight and went to play with Isis for a few minutes and now my mind has been activated. I'm thinking about that ticket I was given last night, and what I'm going to say to the judge. Granted, the ticket Amelia got four months ago and pleaded not guilty to is only going to the judge this week. So I may not be able to appear for a few months, I hope I can remember all the facts by that time!

I'm also thinking about John. I have doubts that I want to continue friendship with him. I nearly wrote a journal entry about it last night but then I allowed my feelings to take a step into the future and I realized that I was probably just emotional and vengeful, which probably wouldn't last so even if I said I didn't want to be friends with him, nothing would have come of it.

But still, the thing is, when he told me that Lyla and him had broken up I was eager to move past that. It's been really bothersome to be friends with him while he's with her. She doesn't want him talking to me. I told him specifically Not to put me in his top friends because she would see me there and get upset and truth be told, he'll tell me and I personally don't want to hear about it.

I feel like we were heading towards a better future, moving past this love triangle. Granted, I was not feeling very ambitious or enthusiastic about dating him. I didn't think I wanted to although I was giving it consideration. And I wasn't even sure if I wanted to kiss him or whatever. Now I just feel like we're working backwards though. There is no better future if he's still with her. It's just the same old bullshit that was already old a couple months ago. Imagine how happy I am that it's going to continue.

I know I don't love him. And I couldn't care less about how he feels about me. It fucks with my self-esteem when boys with girlfriends tell me that they have feelings for me. It honestly does. I don't like to decipher his feelings. When you start dating someone new, the best thing you can do is fucking IGNORE the fact that they've ever been with or loved someone besides yourself. Because insecurity and consequently, comparisons are not rewarding relationship tools.

We were going to watch Monk, but at the time that we made the playdate, I thought he was single. And I was relaxed about the idea. If something did happen, it wouldn't be a big deal. I wouldn't be a mistress, and he wouldn't have to deal with cheating on Lyla. If nothing happened, it wouldn't be a big deal. because there wouldn't be anyone around to overreact and make a big deal out of our hanging out together.

And honestly, I'd just like to move slow. I want to take my time with my friendship with John. I don't want to make rash, emotional decisions about how I feel about him. I just want to see how it goes. And apparently these immortal relationships can only be thwarted, IF they even can be thwarted by any such thing, by rash, emotional decisions. I don't honestly believe that Dan and John want me more than their girlfriends.

It's sometimes easy to pretend that what they feel about me is more important than what they feel for their girlfriends because I only hear the negative things and I don't experience how they feel about them. But it's proven to be stronger than how they feel about me. And I have to stop flattering myself with their attraction to me because it has proven to have no validity.

I'm tired of being receptive to either of them. Truth be told, they've lost my trust. I don't see a future with either of them. They have showed themselves to be very dishonest and very emotionally insecure. And they've also proved that they don't easily let go of their girlfriends. I can't imagine dating either of them, knowing that they have such strong feelings for someone else. It would make me unhappy.

And what else makes me unhappy is the idea that both of them are so willing to cheat on their girlfriends. I won't pretend that I'm so special that I'm the exception to their loyalty. It's not me that gave them the idea to cheat. Dan cheated on Jen with Ruth. And John has been mixed up in cheating relationships for a long time. Neither of them respect the idea of loyalty. Maybe being the mistress helps you see the worst of things. I get to see the bitter truth that they might hide in front of their girlfriends.

I need to move on. I don't want the life I would have if I were dating either of them. I think, perhaps, I was idealistic enough to pursue them both. But I got a rude awakening in both cases. I was just the mistress. And now I realize that being their girlfriend wouldn't be any better than not having them at all. I don't let Dan go, even though it would be easy because he's so far away... because I love him. I don't want to be with him, but I still care about him deeply. And I don't let John go even though I don't love him, because he's available to me physically. And the allure of having real contact with someone makes me hesitate to write him off.

I want be seen, heard, touched, appreciated. Not just sexually, but physically. I guess sometimes you wake up and you're forced to evaluate yourself, and wonder if you're good enough for the world. But when you wake up next to someone else whose presence reminds you that you're good enough for the world, it makes your job easier. I kind of long for someone to accept me, personally. And pride makes me want to actually have more than mere acceptance, I want flattery. I guess I find myself desirably both in personality and looks and I want to show off. I want to experience the effects of my charm.

These are the things that are making me want to hook up with John. I feel sexy at the thought of being around him. At the ability I have to be sexy in his presence. I can't really explain it any better than that.

If I had any other opportunity to be with someone I liked, I'd drop John and Dan like flies. Well, I wouldn't drop Dan like a fly because I care about him but I wouldn't play his games anymore and I would have less opportunity to deal with his ridiculousness because I would be busy with someone else.

I don't understand why things are stuck as they are.

Craziest dream, very scifi. I think it's too difficult to explain, really. The only normal parts were that I was thinking of being in love with this one guy, but near the end I decided I didn't want him. It kind of reminds me of John. Like I think I'm fascinated with him and then he does something so absurd I'm reminded that I don't know him at all and in fact I don't like him at all. That's what happened a couple months ago with John. But in the dream John was online. I was ignoring the guy, because he was like a friend of my sister's or something. And I went over to the computer because John had IMed me. Even the affection I had with that guy reminded me a little of what I had with John. Something about blind enthusiasm.

And I think it was Isis's birthday in the dream... maybe it was Christmas. Stephanie gave me a present though. It was a frog. And she put it in my hand. She had a few ponies. My Little Ponies. I had about 20 but I wanted more. I counted all the ones I had and went looking for the two that were missing. I ran across her ponies that she's brought and finally found my own. I freakin love ponies. I only have three in real life. :(

Last night when I was talking to John about some interesting things... in response he told me about his headache. And I was disappointed for a second. Because I like to think about different philosophical ideas and all he wanted to think about was his own pitiful state.

I always let people think I was self-centered because I thought there might be some truth in it, but there isn't really. I care about myself in great detail. I concentrate on myself a lot. I won't deny it. I think it's absolutely healthy. But 1. I don't force my personal information on anybody else. I'm generally private although not shy. Just private. And 2. I also philosophize about a vast amount of topics, including what my analyzations of myself symbolize about other people. I learn about humanity through learning about myself. What better way to understand anything than to experience it.

Not that I really need the defense. I try to understand humanity in a lot of different aspects. I really try to get to the root of why we are the way we are. But for the record.. Selfish, I may be, self-centered I wouldn't say.

Odd, when I talk to Dan all I want to talk about is me or us. I never tell him I don't want to talk about all the things he concentrates on but that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking about me. And now when I'm talking to John I want to concentrate on philosophy.

It's not so surprising. It isn't clear-cut. I hate being pestered with personal questions but I like flattery. In some ways, I don't like being understood, but I like to preach and teach and lecture - sometimes even about myself. I guess I don't like to share the learning process. I don't like to open myself up and as a team, find out what's inside myself. Not necessarily because I'm afraid of what they'll find. Though maybe that's it a little. But I just don't like to share. Selfish, you know. And I like to be able to rely on myself.

People think too differently from each other. I'm so strong about my opinions. I'm not persuadable. I'm tolerant to other's opinions to a certain degree but I like to be in control of what I believe. And when I'm a team, I despise trying to agree. Not that we fight. But it's just so predictable that we have different opinions and I despise the idea that we should make something together - compromise... when I would prefer to just believe what I believe end of story.

That's a huge consideration in marriage. The idea that your households, your relationship and your family are all in joint consideration. It's absurd. To even imagine that you can both be happy? That's the dream. To have someone with so alike ideas that you'll just agree on everything.

That's why there is always going to be a dominant person and a subordinate. Whether it be husband/wife or wife/husband isn't really relevant. The best relationships are when one person is willing to allow his wants and needs to be pushed aside for the other person. Because if neither is willing? Compromise seems like a scarce idea. And it's silly, that anyone should have to live in a household based on decisions they don't like. I have known this all my life, speaking as someone who disagrees with the idea that she should be tormented into a lifestyle by her authority, her parents... Why would I ever get married and let that continue?

And GOD. What happens when they break up and they're fueled with hate? They use difference of opinions as weapons of revenge and resentment. They try to punish each other for their past love for each other. It's deadly. Divorce gets ugly.

I think about roommates and roommates have this sense of separate space. They often don't have the same rooms. And they have a dynamic of personal freedom. Opinions and decisions will clash but they are in essence an individual. When you're married, you're not an individual, you're a couple. And your decisions have to be made as a couple. There's always someone who bends and usually it's the one that always bends. It's probably rare that there are two dominant people who take turns.

so... I have to watch this episode of Boston Legal and play with Isis and I've lost my train of thought. My point was, that I'm too much of an individual to be a part of a couple. Although, I get little pleasure in making people give me whatever I want even if it's not what they want. So as a dominant person, I don't really enjoy to dominate anybody but myself. Like I said, I'd rather dictate my own space than bother with dictating another OR let them dictate me. I would really like to see how I react in various situations. I'm always curious, always trying to picture what I would do as I see scenes played out. I sometimes want to be in a relationship just to find out how I would handle it.

I've had a lot of vivid dreams lately. But I guess they don't strike me as special so I don't write them down and they're forgotten. But there have been three unique dreams. One was that I went out on a date with a guy from my English class. The one with the celtic tattoo. Yes, I would like to know him better. His name is Mike, because half the people in the world are named Mike.

I told John yesterday that him and I cannot talk about Mike anymore. He's such a thing of my past but everybody tries to make him a thing of my present. I don't want to know what his status is with his old friends from Coxsackie. I don't want to know how he feels about them. How they feel about him. I don't want to know about all the girls he sleeps with. Apparently, he brags that it's a lot. Whether that's true SHOULD NOT BE MY CONCERN. I don't care where he lives. Where he goes to school. Who he's hitting on. Where he works. What anybody thinks of him.

I hate thinking about him. I don't know how to think about him comfortably. I don't think there are very many leftover emotions for him but it's just been such a long ride that I don't really know how to have information about him and not let it effect me. So it simply makes me uncomfortable. And I said "ew". I hate it when girls say ew at an unew moment. Gah. That was typical. I didn't enjoy it. So John better not bring him up again. Although I find that I like to bring him up. Though there's a different. I like to bash my ex. But my ex is the guy I knew two years ago. NOT this guy who Mike has turned out to be. He's extraordinarily different. That's why it amazes everybody. So when I talk about him I'm talking about old news. Negative old news. I love it. It helps keep me sane to bash him every once in a while. NOT to hear how many damn girls he's slept with at one time!!

So anyway.. I wish I could be seen in that little plaid skirt I have. I just feel so blonde when I wear that skirt. I don't look blonde. I look sexy but not blonde sexy. I have a more sly sexiness than blondes. Personally, I've seen so many blondes I'm immune to them. They kind of remind me of barbies. Barbies have great bodies but am I really interested in touching them? No, I'm not. And neither am I interested in touching blondes. Most of them. Typically. There's just something boring about a typical blonde. Now put black hair on her and I'm in.

Anyway, my analysis of blondes isn't really the point. The point was a bit stupid so I won't delve into it deeper. Onto the next dream, eh?

So then I had a dream I was scuba diving in the Hudson. It was a more involved dream. School, that green saturn, the motorcycle, the boat ride. The Hudson river was really detailed. I can't now remember all the things I saw - even in the dream I told myself that when I got home I wouldn't be able to remember all the things that I'd seen. It was random objects and the like. It was pretty interesting to imagine what's down there. I was really afraid to see a dead body. And there were the compasses on the side. It really ended up looking like a swimming pool of river water. I was a little frightened to jump in at first but I got over it. I wasn't alone and I felt protected when the water didn't cut off my breath and force me to close my eyes, nor did I even feel the wetness.

Now I just woke up from a dream where I married James. HA. It wasn't even like the future. It was like about a week ago. You know? It was this status we have. We didn't seem to be romantically involved but we decided to get married and we did and then after we stopped being friends just like we have been lately. So we didn't even consummate our marriage or really talk anymore. We didn't live together. It was sort of like a regretful Las Vegas marriage.

I don't usually have dreams of marriage. Proposals yes but not actually going through with it.
I was telling John last night about how I dislike the idea of marriage for various reasons. I guess it just took form as a symbol for my psyche. James. Ha. James is so emotionless. That's probably why I chose him. And I'm trying so hard to fight my emotions. I guess that's what happens when you take emotions from marriage.

In any case I REALLY need to wash my hair. Dire situation. And in a few hours ISIS WILL BE BACK. Although I'll be heading off to school at the exact moment she returned. And she'll smell like cigarette smoke. :( See why marriage stinks? If Amelia had had a way to reproduce by herself, she could have had Isis all on her own and she wouldn't have to share her with her stinky, abusive husband. GAH. And he could have his own babies with his own reproductive organs. And then he wouldn't have to force his horrible behavior on anybody else.

John and Lyla broke up last night. Not because of me granted. I think they had just been having problems for a long time and they were ready to stop. Now I'm not walking straight into mistressing. I'm excited. I'm not really the friends with benefit type either but considering how many of my friends I've actually made out with, I guess that would be a lie. I have qualms about having sex with anybody, especially someone I'm not romantically involved in and therefore don't implicitly trust. So it would be stupid to imagine that I could just sleep with whoever came through my door. I probably would have had sex with James though. Even without romance. Who knows... It's hard to say if I would feel comfortable in the moment. It all comes down to that. But I knew James would rather die than make a move. Maybe he'll get married to me though... and then we won't need an excuse to have sex. I'll think about asking him.

In the meantime, I don't have to worry that if John and I do get physical I'm not degrading myself by allowing him to degrade me by dating someone else and using me on the side. I don't want to date him. I want to get married to James, afterall. :p But who knows what will happen.

Well, I just did not feel like reading this thanksgiving break. I honestly don't believe I've read a single page. I was due to read six hours a day to meet my goal. Humph. I think my tight schedule took all the fun out of it. And part of it was that because I expected my goal to be met, I had already taken the hypothetical pleasure in meeting that goal in my mind. Do you know what I mean? The greatest pleasure comes from unexpectedness. Like when you know you're good at sculpting but not painting. So when you make a great sculpture it's not always as rewarding because you've expected it. But when you do a fabulous painting you feel more pleasure from it.

That's not always the case but it was this time. I like to sit down and by the end of the day have surpassed my expectations. Originally, that's what I meant to do. I first started with five or six books to be read and then I kept adding to the list and ended up with like 13 books and if I could get that many done it would have made me feel rewarded because it was so many. But once I'd gotten it down to the exact science, I was less interested.

But it was also that I had so many other things to do. I was determined to spend time with Isis although I really didn't spend very much time with her at all. I also had to watch Remington Steele, Monk and Boston Legal. I'm not done with Boston Legal so even though I'm pretty much in the mood to sit down and read, for the first time in the past six days... I can't spend too much time reading because I have eight hours more of Boston Legal and it's due tomorrow. Plus I talked on the phone a lot. I can't remember who interrupted it first. I was reading Interview With the Vampire. That must have been Monday. Somebody called me and I put my book down to talk to them and I haven't picked it back up again.

I've also really been into Spider Solitaire lately. I'm trying to get good at four suits. I'm good at the other difficulty levels but not this one. I can't seem to win. I'm so terrible and it bothers me. I know I could be better. So I've been playing around the clock. I've not gotten any better so far. To be honest, I won the first time I played. I erased my statistics and was determined to win every single game so I won ten of the one suit, ten of two suits.. to warm myself up. And then I went to four suits. And I won the first game. And I haven't won since. I've actually been cheating though. After trying to win a particular game for an hour or something I finally quit. I use my task manager to force quit and it won't put the losing statistic up. I found that out because I had a game up and Isis accidentally rebooted my computer and I checked the statistic and it wasn't there so I realized that if it was force quited as opposed to being closed... it would make a difference. But I have lost a lot of games. It doesn't seem to be any use.

In any case, I can multi task and do that while I watch TV, but not while I read a book. I was actually playing solitaire earlier in the week and I wanted to keep doing it so I put on Tv just so that I wouldn't be wasting my time, since I knew I had a bunch of stuff to watch. I guess I haven't kicked the duo.

Sometimes I'm disappointed in my manner of doing things. But there's so little time. And I have so much gluttony. So I'm essentially forced.

Sometimes I dislike that I lack publicity. I sometimes feel like I'm everybody's dirty little secret.