Last night when I was talking to John about some interesting things... in response he told me about his headache. And I was disappointed for a second. Because I like to think about different philosophical ideas and all he wanted to think about was his own pitiful state.

I always let people think I was self-centered because I thought there might be some truth in it, but there isn't really. I care about myself in great detail. I concentrate on myself a lot. I won't deny it. I think it's absolutely healthy. But 1. I don't force my personal information on anybody else. I'm generally private although not shy. Just private. And 2. I also philosophize about a vast amount of topics, including what my analyzations of myself symbolize about other people. I learn about humanity through learning about myself. What better way to understand anything than to experience it.

Not that I really need the defense. I try to understand humanity in a lot of different aspects. I really try to get to the root of why we are the way we are. But for the record.. Selfish, I may be, self-centered I wouldn't say.

Odd, when I talk to Dan all I want to talk about is me or us. I never tell him I don't want to talk about all the things he concentrates on but that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking about me. And now when I'm talking to John I want to concentrate on philosophy.

It's not so surprising. It isn't clear-cut. I hate being pestered with personal questions but I like flattery. In some ways, I don't like being understood, but I like to preach and teach and lecture - sometimes even about myself. I guess I don't like to share the learning process. I don't like to open myself up and as a team, find out what's inside myself. Not necessarily because I'm afraid of what they'll find. Though maybe that's it a little. But I just don't like to share. Selfish, you know. And I like to be able to rely on myself.

People think too differently from each other. I'm so strong about my opinions. I'm not persuadable. I'm tolerant to other's opinions to a certain degree but I like to be in control of what I believe. And when I'm a team, I despise trying to agree. Not that we fight. But it's just so predictable that we have different opinions and I despise the idea that we should make something together - compromise... when I would prefer to just believe what I believe end of story.

That's a huge consideration in marriage. The idea that your households, your relationship and your family are all in joint consideration. It's absurd. To even imagine that you can both be happy? That's the dream. To have someone with so alike ideas that you'll just agree on everything.

That's why there is always going to be a dominant person and a subordinate. Whether it be husband/wife or wife/husband isn't really relevant. The best relationships are when one person is willing to allow his wants and needs to be pushed aside for the other person. Because if neither is willing? Compromise seems like a scarce idea. And it's silly, that anyone should have to live in a household based on decisions they don't like. I have known this all my life, speaking as someone who disagrees with the idea that she should be tormented into a lifestyle by her authority, her parents... Why would I ever get married and let that continue?

And GOD. What happens when they break up and they're fueled with hate? They use difference of opinions as weapons of revenge and resentment. They try to punish each other for their past love for each other. It's deadly. Divorce gets ugly.

I think about roommates and roommates have this sense of separate space. They often don't have the same rooms. And they have a dynamic of personal freedom. Opinions and decisions will clash but they are in essence an individual. When you're married, you're not an individual, you're a couple. And your decisions have to be made as a couple. There's always someone who bends and usually it's the one that always bends. It's probably rare that there are two dominant people who take turns.

so... I have to watch this episode of Boston Legal and play with Isis and I've lost my train of thought. My point was, that I'm too much of an individual to be a part of a couple. Although, I get little pleasure in making people give me whatever I want even if it's not what they want. So as a dominant person, I don't really enjoy to dominate anybody but myself. Like I said, I'd rather dictate my own space than bother with dictating another OR let them dictate me. I would really like to see how I react in various situations. I'm always curious, always trying to picture what I would do as I see scenes played out. I sometimes want to be in a relationship just to find out how I would handle it.