I guess there's no point in going back to sleep. I woke up at eight and went to play with Isis for a few minutes and now my mind has been activated. I'm thinking about that ticket I was given last night, and what I'm going to say to the judge. Granted, the ticket Amelia got four months ago and pleaded not guilty to is only going to the judge this week. So I may not be able to appear for a few months, I hope I can remember all the facts by that time!

I'm also thinking about John. I have doubts that I want to continue friendship with him. I nearly wrote a journal entry about it last night but then I allowed my feelings to take a step into the future and I realized that I was probably just emotional and vengeful, which probably wouldn't last so even if I said I didn't want to be friends with him, nothing would have come of it.

But still, the thing is, when he told me that Lyla and him had broken up I was eager to move past that. It's been really bothersome to be friends with him while he's with her. She doesn't want him talking to me. I told him specifically Not to put me in his top friends because she would see me there and get upset and truth be told, he'll tell me and I personally don't want to hear about it.

I feel like we were heading towards a better future, moving past this love triangle. Granted, I was not feeling very ambitious or enthusiastic about dating him. I didn't think I wanted to although I was giving it consideration. And I wasn't even sure if I wanted to kiss him or whatever. Now I just feel like we're working backwards though. There is no better future if he's still with her. It's just the same old bullshit that was already old a couple months ago. Imagine how happy I am that it's going to continue.

I know I don't love him. And I couldn't care less about how he feels about me. It fucks with my self-esteem when boys with girlfriends tell me that they have feelings for me. It honestly does. I don't like to decipher his feelings. When you start dating someone new, the best thing you can do is fucking IGNORE the fact that they've ever been with or loved someone besides yourself. Because insecurity and consequently, comparisons are not rewarding relationship tools.

We were going to watch Monk, but at the time that we made the playdate, I thought he was single. And I was relaxed about the idea. If something did happen, it wouldn't be a big deal. I wouldn't be a mistress, and he wouldn't have to deal with cheating on Lyla. If nothing happened, it wouldn't be a big deal. because there wouldn't be anyone around to overreact and make a big deal out of our hanging out together.

And honestly, I'd just like to move slow. I want to take my time with my friendship with John. I don't want to make rash, emotional decisions about how I feel about him. I just want to see how it goes. And apparently these immortal relationships can only be thwarted, IF they even can be thwarted by any such thing, by rash, emotional decisions. I don't honestly believe that Dan and John want me more than their girlfriends.

It's sometimes easy to pretend that what they feel about me is more important than what they feel for their girlfriends because I only hear the negative things and I don't experience how they feel about them. But it's proven to be stronger than how they feel about me. And I have to stop flattering myself with their attraction to me because it has proven to have no validity.

I'm tired of being receptive to either of them. Truth be told, they've lost my trust. I don't see a future with either of them. They have showed themselves to be very dishonest and very emotionally insecure. And they've also proved that they don't easily let go of their girlfriends. I can't imagine dating either of them, knowing that they have such strong feelings for someone else. It would make me unhappy.

And what else makes me unhappy is the idea that both of them are so willing to cheat on their girlfriends. I won't pretend that I'm so special that I'm the exception to their loyalty. It's not me that gave them the idea to cheat. Dan cheated on Jen with Ruth. And John has been mixed up in cheating relationships for a long time. Neither of them respect the idea of loyalty. Maybe being the mistress helps you see the worst of things. I get to see the bitter truth that they might hide in front of their girlfriends.

I need to move on. I don't want the life I would have if I were dating either of them. I think, perhaps, I was idealistic enough to pursue them both. But I got a rude awakening in both cases. I was just the mistress. And now I realize that being their girlfriend wouldn't be any better than not having them at all. I don't let Dan go, even though it would be easy because he's so far away... because I love him. I don't want to be with him, but I still care about him deeply. And I don't let John go even though I don't love him, because he's available to me physically. And the allure of having real contact with someone makes me hesitate to write him off.

I want be seen, heard, touched, appreciated. Not just sexually, but physically. I guess sometimes you wake up and you're forced to evaluate yourself, and wonder if you're good enough for the world. But when you wake up next to someone else whose presence reminds you that you're good enough for the world, it makes your job easier. I kind of long for someone to accept me, personally. And pride makes me want to actually have more than mere acceptance, I want flattery. I guess I find myself desirably both in personality and looks and I want to show off. I want to experience the effects of my charm.

These are the things that are making me want to hook up with John. I feel sexy at the thought of being around him. At the ability I have to be sexy in his presence. I can't really explain it any better than that.

If I had any other opportunity to be with someone I liked, I'd drop John and Dan like flies. Well, I wouldn't drop Dan like a fly because I care about him but I wouldn't play his games anymore and I would have less opportunity to deal with his ridiculousness because I would be busy with someone else.

I don't understand why things are stuck as they are.