I think in that one dream Shannon was in it. and I get the feeling John was in it. And someone I seemed to be dating but I don't know who. Ah well, to be honest I can't really seem to remember that dream. Probably because Isis interrupted it with a piercing scream from the room below. She sometimes does that when she doesn't get her way. Personally, I am not sad to see her go this weekend because she has been a bit of a brat lately. Except that tongue thing she does which is my favorite thing she's ever done in her whole short life... But otherwise she hits my face a lot and she refuses to walk and she has a small temper when she doesn't get her way. I find that things change quickly though. She goes through small phases. Extended moods, if you will. So perhaps she will come home from Anthony's with a different attitude.

In any case, when I went back to sleep I had another dream. Now it was John and Lyla at my house but at the beginning neither were very much like themselves. It was almost as if Dan and Jen came to visit. Except I know it wasn't them. But I didn't know John's girlfriend, I'd only just met her. She did not even look like Lyla. In a fair and unbiased observation I thought she was pretty nice. It seems, they had only gotten back together in a sexual way and John resented her for that so he showed her he didn't like it and I think they agreed to break up that evening.

This was at my house but truthfully it seemed more like a dorm. John was hanging out in what is my mom's room. I suppose we had been hanging out. I don't really remember the beginning, sometimes that happens. So after they cordially broke up Lyla and I chatted. And she seemed to be Lyla at that point. She asked if Jaymie and her family had moved back to Texas and I said I didn't know. And I wanted to ask how college was going with Nicole because I was trying to be polite and conversational. Even though I was aware that she was probably jealous of me since she'd been jealous of me just for talking to him and now she was breaking up with him and leaving him at my house.

And she said something about sexual experiences in passing and I said when have I ever had a good sexual experience. I started to say zero but then realized I'd had one and then realized that that time I had sex in front of Lyla and Joe was an interesting experience. Except in the dream, that experience was double, Joe and Lyla were having sex too. We used to actually talk about that, jokingly I suppose. About having sex at the same time in the same room.

Anyway, John seemed a little more sophisticated in the dream. And this guy came to talk to Lyla. Like I said, people in and out. When he left John came out and complained that she had never listened to his podcasts. Interestingly enough I've never heard anybody but my Western Civilization teacher speak of podcasts. But I think he was trying to accuse her of giving this new guy something she wouldn't give him. Like it was unfair. And he started explaining about a time when they'd gone out together and eaten oysters. I think I woke up after that. I can see that beginning in my head but I can't remember what John and I were talking about....

But I'm trying not to think about John. It occurs to me that this false alarm is deja vu. Except I'm not involved. You know what I mean? He's already had three false alarms with her only at that point, they were because he was planning to date me. This time his break up didn't involve me and yet, I still feel this false break up. I'm mad. That this has happened again. I'm mad that he kept saying he thought they were going to break up and I didn't take the bait until the very end when he finally said they'd broken up and then I finally believed him. And then before I know it they're back to square one and I fell for it again! I'm angry that things really don't change. I'm relieved that my heart wasn't involved this time but I'm angry that my mind can still witness this and still be reminded of the lies given at the expense of my heart, previously. And how John is still that same person. Doing the same things.

I want to get away from him. He's not talking to me because I told him I didn't want to hang out with him this weekend. And I could not think of a good reason in the least for breaking the plans. So he took offense. He hasn't said much to me since. But I want him to talk to me. And that's why I need to get away. If I get to see his mood updates about how he loves Lyla which always seems to me to be retaliation for the way I treat him... or his guilt about flirting behind Lyla's back. Well, I just get ugly reminders. But I can't take him off my myspace. We've gone back and forth doing this too many times. and I don't want to make a public statement to him. I just want to silently slip away.

It's making reading look more appealing than it has been. That and I won ten spider solitaire games and then ACCIDENTALLY pressed the wrong button and screwed up my statistics so it had one loss and I couldn't have that so I had to reset the statistics. So I lost the 15 wins of easiest level, 15 wins of second easiest level and ten wins of hardest level. And the setback has made me lost some of my motivation.

I think I'm reading to dig into some books...