I've had a lot of vivid dreams lately. But I guess they don't strike me as special so I don't write them down and they're forgotten. But there have been three unique dreams. One was that I went out on a date with a guy from my English class. The one with the celtic tattoo. Yes, I would like to know him better. His name is Mike, because half the people in the world are named Mike.

I told John yesterday that him and I cannot talk about Mike anymore. He's such a thing of my past but everybody tries to make him a thing of my present. I don't want to know what his status is with his old friends from Coxsackie. I don't want to know how he feels about them. How they feel about him. I don't want to know about all the girls he sleeps with. Apparently, he brags that it's a lot. Whether that's true SHOULD NOT BE MY CONCERN. I don't care where he lives. Where he goes to school. Who he's hitting on. Where he works. What anybody thinks of him.

I hate thinking about him. I don't know how to think about him comfortably. I don't think there are very many leftover emotions for him but it's just been such a long ride that I don't really know how to have information about him and not let it effect me. So it simply makes me uncomfortable. And I said "ew". I hate it when girls say ew at an unew moment. Gah. That was typical. I didn't enjoy it. So John better not bring him up again. Although I find that I like to bring him up. Though there's a different. I like to bash my ex. But my ex is the guy I knew two years ago. NOT this guy who Mike has turned out to be. He's extraordinarily different. That's why it amazes everybody. So when I talk about him I'm talking about old news. Negative old news. I love it. It helps keep me sane to bash him every once in a while. NOT to hear how many damn girls he's slept with at one time!!

So anyway.. I wish I could be seen in that little plaid skirt I have. I just feel so blonde when I wear that skirt. I don't look blonde. I look sexy but not blonde sexy. I have a more sly sexiness than blondes. Personally, I've seen so many blondes I'm immune to them. They kind of remind me of barbies. Barbies have great bodies but am I really interested in touching them? No, I'm not. And neither am I interested in touching blondes. Most of them. Typically. There's just something boring about a typical blonde. Now put black hair on her and I'm in.

Anyway, my analysis of blondes isn't really the point. The point was a bit stupid so I won't delve into it deeper. Onto the next dream, eh?

So then I had a dream I was scuba diving in the Hudson. It was a more involved dream. School, that green saturn, the motorcycle, the boat ride. The Hudson river was really detailed. I can't now remember all the things I saw - even in the dream I told myself that when I got home I wouldn't be able to remember all the things that I'd seen. It was random objects and the like. It was pretty interesting to imagine what's down there. I was really afraid to see a dead body. And there were the compasses on the side. It really ended up looking like a swimming pool of river water. I was a little frightened to jump in at first but I got over it. I wasn't alone and I felt protected when the water didn't cut off my breath and force me to close my eyes, nor did I even feel the wetness.

Now I just woke up from a dream where I married James. HA. It wasn't even like the future. It was like about a week ago. You know? It was this status we have. We didn't seem to be romantically involved but we decided to get married and we did and then after we stopped being friends just like we have been lately. So we didn't even consummate our marriage or really talk anymore. We didn't live together. It was sort of like a regretful Las Vegas marriage.

I don't usually have dreams of marriage. Proposals yes but not actually going through with it.
I was telling John last night about how I dislike the idea of marriage for various reasons. I guess it just took form as a symbol for my psyche. James. Ha. James is so emotionless. That's probably why I chose him. And I'm trying so hard to fight my emotions. I guess that's what happens when you take emotions from marriage.

In any case I REALLY need to wash my hair. Dire situation. And in a few hours ISIS WILL BE BACK. Although I'll be heading off to school at the exact moment she returned. And she'll smell like cigarette smoke. :( See why marriage stinks? If Amelia had had a way to reproduce by herself, she could have had Isis all on her own and she wouldn't have to share her with her stinky, abusive husband. GAH. And he could have his own babies with his own reproductive organs. And then he wouldn't have to force his horrible behavior on anybody else.

John and Lyla broke up last night. Not because of me granted. I think they had just been having problems for a long time and they were ready to stop. Now I'm not walking straight into mistressing. I'm excited. I'm not really the friends with benefit type either but considering how many of my friends I've actually made out with, I guess that would be a lie. I have qualms about having sex with anybody, especially someone I'm not romantically involved in and therefore don't implicitly trust. So it would be stupid to imagine that I could just sleep with whoever came through my door. I probably would have had sex with James though. Even without romance. Who knows... It's hard to say if I would feel comfortable in the moment. It all comes down to that. But I knew James would rather die than make a move. Maybe he'll get married to me though... and then we won't need an excuse to have sex. I'll think about asking him.

In the meantime, I don't have to worry that if John and I do get physical I'm not degrading myself by allowing him to degrade me by dating someone else and using me on the side. I don't want to date him. I want to get married to James, afterall. :p But who knows what will happen.