Well last night was nice, emotionally. Amelia was bitching about my driving. She thinks I'm the worst driver in the world. And sometimes, I defend myself and I consider the idea that I'm not a great driver. But, you know what? I am a good driver. I'm conscientious, safe, in control, watchful. I'm not slow, I'll tell you that. But I'm not rash either. I deliberate. And when I know what I can do is safe, I do it. Yes, we all have our flaws. And we all make mistakes. But I've seen other drivers, I've seen my parents drive and I've seen my friends and family drive. And I'm a good driver. But Amelia won't admit it. She refuses to. I won't get into why. It's just that, when she was bitching, I started bitching back. But it wasn't angry and it wasn't defensive. Because you defend yourself when you fear that if someone else believes it to be true, there's a chance it is true. If you know that there isn't a chance, you don't fear that it will be true. And I don't fear that it's true I'm a bad driver.

So I raised my voice and I firmly said that I was not going to entertain her criticisms, because I am a good driver, end of story. She wouldn't listen so I had to say it in various ways. I told her that she was not criticizing me because she wanted me to become a better driver, she wants me to be a bad driver, then she can point it out to me.

Two things help aid it. One, I talk about my driving and my decisions. I am a process person. Decisions are processes and I don't like asking blank questions *the beginning of the process* and sharing empty conclusions *the end of the process*. I like to share my logic and reasoning. It's just my thing. Have you not seen a single journal entry? I'm doing it now ABOUT how I share my logic and reasoning. I always share my thought processes. And when I drive, I talk to myself, I talk to the drivers and I talk to other people. I talk about what's currently happening. It makes Amelia uncomfortable because even though everyone else does it (granted, in their head) - apparently if I do it out loud it means that I'm an insecure driver and I don't know what I'm doing. But that's not true.

The second thing is that when I drive with her, we're always going places I don't know. And the truth is, I don't like to be in awkward situations where I have to make rash decisions. I like to know what I'm doing before I enter into it. So I ask Amelia questions way before hand. I ask her questions about where we're going that will help me prepare for it when it's to come. Because I don't have good driving instincts. I haven't had my license for more than a year. I'm not familiar with everything. Amelia is. So I ask her, and she tells me. But Loren pointed out last night that because I have to rely on her, she begins to think that I'm incompetent and she just goes with it, she carries it through until I am completely incompetent and she has to tell me about every red light, every green light, every stop sign, everything.

Bottom line is, my timing is different than hers. Not worse, not better. Different. And she feels that my timing should be her timing. That her timing is superior and if I don't do it her way I AM a horrible, dangerous and illegal driver. I'm not kidding. She called me all of those things emphatically.

Twice we pointed out good things I'd done. And she seems to feel that these are an anomaly. That these don't happen, but every once in a while. There was a red light up ahead, I started slowing down, but I was hoping that it would turn green once I got there, there were no cars in front of me, so I was still moving by the time I got there, although not fast, and it did turn green as soon as I got there. But Loren didn't know what I was doing so he told me "red light" and then Amelia said that I had seen it, because she felt that I had slowed down. Yeah. I can see red and green lights. When I talk, I do lose my focus. I have always admitted that. But I don't have an incapability. And I do excellent without her, so I don't see why she thinks that I need her.

The second time, she had told me to do something and she had to tell me three times before I listened. I can't remember what it was. She thinks that she HAS to tell me three times, but I told her that the honest truth is that the more she talks, the less I focus on the road. It's like, she points something out and I begin to look around to analyze what it is that she's talking about but before I can she says it again so I'm pulled back to attention to her words and then she's done it a third time and I again am pulled to pay attention to her words. It doesn't help to have everybody yelling at you to do something over and over again, because words and actions are two different processes. Their words, don't automatically make my actions do the right thing, they only take away my focus from doing the right thing. In any case, it wasn't a big deal. But a few minutes later I started pulling into the mall and she said there was a do not enter sign. Because it had been that way, you could enter and then the next entrance was do not enter, and then you could enter on the next one. So I started entering and she told me there was a do not enter sign and I pushed on my breaks immediately and started turning out and she told me that she was just kidding.

Which was stupid of her, and she's promised never to kid again because how can I trust her if I'm trying to decipher if she's kidding or not, I need to be able to trust her when she gives me advice like that. But she feels like my fast reflexes in that situation were an anomaly. But they're not. Yes, part of it is that I don't just obey orders. I deliberate. I have to understand what's happening before I listen blindly to her orders. She says turn, and I have to understand what turn means. Because frankly, turning on a main road and turning into a driveway are two different things. And there are often parking lots or driveways before a major turn, so when she says TURN that still needs understanding in order to do it the right way. So I have to know what she means before I can follow orders. And that makes me a better driver. Because I don't just make rash decisions blindly. Even if I've already begun on a wrong move, I don't make rash decisions to get out of it. Like if I'm at the toll booth and I have an EZpass but I'm not in that lane so I have to wait for cars to pay their tolls. I don't just jerk into the other lanes. I just stick with what I have. When I'm straying towards the white line, I don't freak out and pull back, I just drift back to the middle.

The most important thing is not WHAT I'm doing right. It's how my control and confidence is. Because a good driver knows that she/he is in control. It doesn't matter what they're doing, as long as they are in control. Amelia needs to have faith in me. Yes, I'm a new driver. But I'm not incompetent. I can, at least, see the damn green lights. And if I slow down when there's a green light, which I have been known to do while I'm chatting away, which I do when Amelia is in the car, it's not the worst thing in the world. It's better that I slow down at green lights rather than speed up at red lights. But when I'm careful and cautious, it's unnecessary. And all the other times I'm incompetent and rash, apparently. She blows everything out of proportion.

And if I had to analyze why, I would say that it's about the emotions. She doesn't feel comfortable discerning when and when I can't rely on her. Meaning, if I rely on her for directions, she thinks I have to rely on her for everything. And she either wants to tell me everything or tell me nothing. But it doesn't work that way and it won't work that way. If I don't know where I'm going, I'm not going to wing it if I don't have to. And she needs to understand that MY QUESTIONS are when I need her advice. And if I have no questions, that means I don't need her advice.

She also has to have faith in me. She complained that there was a car behind me in the left lane on the thruway and I wouldn't merge so he could pass me. Well, believe me, I pay attention to those cars. But, of course, it was raining and my windows and mirrors were foggy and I didn't think that the car was that close to me. It was the only miscalculation of left/right lane merging that I've had thus far driving on the thruway. I am an obsessively conscientious driver, which Amelia knows and dislikes. I'm either too conscientious or not conscientious enough. But she actually told me that she fears for her life because of that miscalculation. Okay? He may have been slightly annoyed but it wasn't a danger to our lives and I don't think it would strictly speaking be considered illegal. But she does.

She freaks out about everything, she responds emotionally to everything. If I park to close to the train while it's passing by she freaks out and thinks we're going to get killed. I'm not going to babysit her irrational fears. I'm not a fearless idiot. I'm cautious but not a slave to my fears. And I'm certainly not going to be a slave to her fears.

In any case, the point is, she reacts to the extreme because she isn't comfortable with the reality. She overreacts because she doesn't like the way things are. I can see how she doesn't like it and even how it can be uncomfortable, but the reality is reality and I'm not going to babysit her, nor am I going to put up with her lame coping mechanisms.

I came home and even though I had just been yelling for 5 minutes straight, I came inside calm as anything, thanked Tijana for bringing in my stuff, told my dad about how beautiful Kaaterskill had been and I couldn't feel any anger, any fear, any emotion. I was calm as anything. The situation had not screwed up my emotions. Usually I'm a mess. Anger and fear, very common. But not a drop of it. I was completely at peace.

So... I was worried James wouldn't write me back. But he did, he answered me how Worrick died and it was a nice little paragraph. Although I then answered back and he read it but didn't reply this morning. So I guess our conversation is at an end but I appreciate that he answered me back anyway. He didn't leave me hanging. He usually ignores my questions. Me saying "aw that's sad" doesn't really warrant a response except "yeah" or something. And I sent Mike a comment the other day saying that I missed Shanghai Rummy, cause we used to play with his family. And he didn't answer, even though I know he was on. But he answered last night and I was feeling kind of rejected from him not answering. It's annoying when you try to communicate with people and they don't respond. It's like the most efficient resort. And people don't usually use it anyway. They usually try to get something across without being blunt and open and honest. They try to manipulate it or hint at it or force you to understand or do it without being open. So when you openly and honestly communicate, the most efficient, direct way of connecting with someone. And it doesn't work... it really brings you a sense of hopelessness.

It wasn't that important to have Mike respond, but it was relevant because it reflected how I feel alone and irrelevant and ignored by people. So I was happy to have them both respond and Kristen was talking to me on aim and I love talking to people that I love talking to on aim. It felt nice to be watching a movie and have someone at hand on the computer, even though Loren was in the room. I just miss multitasking like that. James and Mike have no reason to talk to me now that our short conversations are at an end but as I said, I'm not dependent, just frustrated at the futility. I don't need much, but when I try to get something I want to be able to get it. And that's, of course, a bit of a problem because I play by my rules and not other people's rules, not that I've ever ignored Kristen, James or Mike. I have always participated with them, hung out with them when they wanted, talk to them when they wanted, given them attention when they wanted.

But there are lots of other people that I've ignored because I don't care about them and I don't want to hurt them but I can't lie to them and be something I'm not. So in that sense, the people who ignore me should be able to have the same attitude. And if I'm irrelevant to them, it's only fair since people are irrelevant to me.

But for the time being, I just need a little attention.

Speaking of which, I had a dream last night about a guy who liked me. We were hanging out, doing a puzzle or something. He was traditionally Amelia's friend and when I began liking him I was worried that they were involved but then I remembered that she's dating Chris and this was not Chris, so it didn't matter if we became involved. He liked me too. It just kind of felt nice, to hang out and develop a connection with someone. Even when you have someone who has liked you for years and years, the reassurance gets kind of stale. Because they're only continuing to like you. It's nice to have that novel feeling, that someone is just beginning to have feelings for you. It's fresh and exciting.

But, by the end of the dream, the guy had been killed by Nazis or something. Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea how it advanced to that point. Nazis will kill anyone for any reason so maybe it wasn't fully logical. Anyway, that wasn't the best end to a story with me. Maybe it was a past life. Maybe it was some insight into why I have no magnetism towards people, why I don't want lovers. Maybe I've had one before and he was shot because he was involved with me. :( Who knows.

In any case, I'm not needy. I don't need a lot of people at my doorstep fawning over me just so I won't feel lonely. And the attention and the emotional peace that I felt last night was soothing. I wasn't excited to hear from James, which is good because then when I don't hear from him I won't be be very disappointed. I was just happy. I just want it to be a normal occurrence. Something that I can rely on, attention, company. Not much, just enough so I don't sink into despair because I'm so hopelessly alone.

It just felt like I was being punished. I was so ridiculously alone. Especially in comparison with the past few years.