What am I going to do with my sad little life?

I should say, my sad little relations. Not my family.

What am I going to do with my sad lack of relations? That's what I should say.

It's sad. :(

I'm just going through old conversations I had put in lj. I really don't want to read any of them, but I'm going to read all of them... partly for significance, partly in avoidance because it's more rewarding to organize than to work. and if there was a third part, I've forgotten it.

I read a couple from Dave. What can I say about him? He's fickle. His personality is fickle. Everything he likes, including me - at the time, and all of his decisions were switched around like a game of twister.

But, I can see things more clearly now. I have less of an emotional reaction to the things I don't like, and I can see positive things that I probably ignored before. Same with my brother Colin. I can still see what pissed me off originally and why, and how it makes sense. But I no longer respond emotionally.

Two things I was that make me flinch - emotional and blunt. I didn't have an appropriate regulation, really. I don't now, either. I still react with the way I feel, it's just not as hysterical - to exaggerate for better affect. I'm just not that emotionally out of wack.

I guess I'm not as bold anymore cause I'm less show-offy. It's not that I was showing off that I was bold. I just thought that the bold things I said reflected on me in some way.

I just, as usual, miss the attention. But I guess what I miss most is enjoying the attention. How much attention have I really enjoyed since Mike and I broke up? Not a lot. The days of high school crushes (on me) are over. And most attention makes me uncomfortable.

And all the guys I've had a crush on haven't liked me. It's been absurd. I'm so tired of liking guys cause I just know that my non-efforted efforts will merely exhaust me.

All the people I want attention from ignore me. Actually, all the people that used to give me attention ignore me too, now that they've gotten the idea that it's unwanted. But I'm not complaining, really.

Dan has stayed constant. John hasn't really given me affectionate attention. Just sexual attention. Not that I'm fully complaining about that either. But it's on and off, of course. And he's messed up.

What I'm really complaining about is the instability. This feeling that has become an extreme habit. It's been hanging over me for too long. Go away now.

I keep trying to understand how things look on the other side of me. Or even better, what I'm attracting or projecting. I keep trying to understand what they're going through. But I'm not doing it simply to be enlightened, I'm doing it to make changes. To work with people who are working with me. To adjust my wants and wishes and needs so that they're in harmony and I don't have to be dissatisfied with whatever I'm causing for myself. But whatever I figure out is lacking because nothing has changed for a long time now and I'm just frustrated, as usual.

I miss James. He sent me a message today. Talked to me for the first time since the beginning of October. He told me that Worrick from CSI had died. He really likes CSI and we used to hang out and watch it together, so I guess he figured I'd understand.

But I don't know if that's the end of his communication. I don't understand what makes him talk to me or not talk to me or like me or dislike me. Yeah, when I approve of guys as friends, I usually take it a step further and approve of them as boyfriends, that's just how it is. But, I like being James's friend. I'm not asking him to be my boyfriend. I'm not asking for much.

I'm really only asking for what we had before. It was amazing, having a steady friendship with him. Just him and me. Driving, hanging out, watching tv shows, spending the night, talking online. It was amazing. I like his company. I hate being devoid of it.

I hate that I'm not allowed to understand why he abandons me.

I guess I miss connecting with people. I connected with so many people before Mike and then Mike was the climax of connections. And then we broke up and I haven't been able to sufficiently connect with anyone since. Dan is too far away and John doesn't really care about me and well, as I said, only the guys who I don't like like me, and the guys I do like don't like me.

This is insane, I feel so estranged. It's so underrated to say that I'm alone. I'm so fucking disconnected from everybody. I know that I'm physically disconnected, I'm not in high school anymore so things are different. But it is not fucking impossible to meet people outside of high school. It's not impossible to connect with people.

I miss spending time with James. It was not romantic, although it did have some sexual vibes, even though he's too shy to ever have it happen. But it was fulfilling nevertheless. It wasn't the most magnificent of friendships but it was a connection, nevertheless. At least, it was for a couple months but he is severely disconnected from people too so even when I feel connected it's very, very difficult to know if he feels connected, which he probably never does.

In any case, he seemed to be enjoying it for a couple months as well.

Either these guys don't feel the connection and ignore me, do act like they feel the connection while they're with me but then proceed to separate themselves from me (I'm not a freak, I'm really charming, that's why I don't understand it) or they feel the connection but I don't. It's so mismatched. I don't understand!

I'm tired of there being no understandable rhyme or reason. I'm tired of this conflict and mismatch and estrangement. I'm FUCKING TIRED of saying I'm tired, because I've been complaining about this since Mike and I broke up. I feel like, right after we broke up was prime time to make connections with people but because I was hung up on him for the next.... long time... I didn't want a connection with anyone less than him and I feel like I got what I wanted - except I didn't ever get him back, but that's probably the best option. But I'm still not connecting with anyone else. I got what I asked for. And it sucks.

Even when I make the effort it doesn't work. I'm not just sitting on my bum. There just isn't magnetism. There's no chemistry. What I mean is, two people can be in a crowded room and it takes magnetism for them to notice each other, and then more for them to strike up a conversation, and then more for them to exchange contact information and then more for them to make the effort to see each other again. It takes magnetism for two people to make that happen. And it just does not happen with me.

It used to. I became friends with people in a flash, before I even knew what was happening. The magnetism was at work. And it's like I lost my mojo now. All of the sudden the magnetism is at a standstill. Which partly means that I don't have any karma with anyone around here... but I don't think I should be punished for NOT having any karma with anyone.

I don't think I deserve to be punished at all. And I don't know why my own feelings are so disconnected from each other that I can't make this a harmonious lifestyle.

I don't need people to be happy. I have spent sufficient solitary time with myself, getting to know myself, getting to love myself, exploring, progressing. Necessary, healthy, enjoyable time with myself. I was damn good company. A perfect connection, when you really think about it. So much harmony in opinions and decisions and hobbies and amusement and pleasure and desire. But this can't go on forever.

This cannot go on forever.