So I dunno, let's be honest here.

I feel like I have a live bug in my right nostril. Do you know what that feels like? Cause I didn't until just a moment ago and it feels creepy. It's like something is fluttering in there. Like really deep in there. And I blew my nose and it didn't help. This is soo creepy. Cause I don't know what's going on.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to be honest about. It relaxes me to read my old blog. Not my lj, but my blog. And to realize my strength. I have such a rational, honest, strong voice when I write. Sometimes I forget about it. And I'm sooo good at analogies. Which is helpful for a writing career. I want to be a confident writer who can help people understand what I'm trying to express.

Something snapped. Fear snapped. It broke in half.

It doesn't have to do with the blogs but this is how it started. Cory keeps texting me and it's been driving me nuts. Every time I see his name something in my brain twitches, like the beginning of a headache. I told him I had a cell because I wanted to be honest, because he used to mean a lot to me and he didn't deserve to have that from me. But that doesn't mean I want to be friends with him. There's nothing I want or need from him.

So I answered his texts a little but blah, he would say hi like three times a day and he would be like "i'm unhappy" or something and then one time he told me to entertain him. HA. Right, like I'm going to entertain him when I can't stand talking to him in the first place.

What I really can't stand is not being able to say YOU ARE ANNOYING ME. That really only makes me annoyed. I just don't want to talk to him at all. So I sent him a text saying, "Cory, I don't like talking to you. Especially not 5 times a day. How about once a week." And he said "Fine."

And that's that. So as I was reading my old blogs and felt that surge of confidence, I decided to make it straight with other people. StephStog has been calling me lately, although I've been asleep both times. She also sent me messages on Elftown. She's been blocked on myspace so she couldn't send messages or friend requests there. I ignore her when she's here and Amelia tells her in weird ways that I don't like her.

Then she sent me a comment on my truth box and said that she wanted to hang out with me, and maybe me and Kristen. And maybe ignoring her and not working. Just maybe. Because she's not getting the hint. And screaming that she's a fucking bitch to her face didn't work either. You know? She thinks that if I abuse her, that's just all part of the friendship. But it's not. I don't want to be her friend, clear and simple. But I had never said it to her, because I always wanted to avoid the awkwardness. But this is the day to do it.

So I sent her a message on myspace, "No, I don't want to hang out. I'm sorry, but I don't want a friendship with you. I don't hate you. I just have no desire to have a friendship with you."

She needs to know that it's not negotiable. She can't change to make it work. It's not that I have a problem with her or that I hate her or that I resent her or that I'm mad at her. I simply don't want a friendship with her. That's all there is to it.

And now I've just sent one to Dan telling him I'm not in love with him anymore. I've not wanted to say it because he just bought me the jewelry and that was really nice of him. But to be fair, it shouldn't be about buying my love, and that's exactly what it made me do, give him my love because I thought I owed it to him.

But this whole confidence didn't even start with Stephanie, it began with Dan. My blog said "That's the thing about John. There isn't anything I regret not having. He's disposable. Not worthless in general but disposable to my life. And that's what I'm afraid of. He probably would have still been disposable had we been dating by this point but I would have loved him anyway. And I don't want to have to rely on love. You know what I mean? Love is blind. I don't want to be with someone merely for love. That's what I did with Mike. I adored him as a whole but I didn't admire him, his personality or his choices. I could have loved John, but it's almost like I would have been dependent on my love for him. Almost as if I couldn't have liked him. Not that I dislike him, to be sure. I don't dislike him. It's all just not the way I want my next relationship to happen."

And that's now how I feel about Dan. In that blog entry I compared John to Dan and I said things like, with Dan, things were never a waste of time even though we weren't officially together and etc. And now I realize that I don't feel that way about Dan anymore. I am wasting my time with him right now. And I do feel that the only thing holding it together is love.

And this is probably exactly what he wants subconsciously. To be rejected, to have to be self-sufficient. If he wants to do it, he can. I don't know if he will. But he shouldn't need me, he should be able to get to the point where he needs nobody. And I have to work on other stuff that doesn't involve him. It just doesn't. I have to resolve things that he can't help me resolve. And for a while, I felt that we were benefiting each other. And then for a while, I felt that I was benefiting him. And I liked it. But I knew that our relationship wasn't benefiting me.

And I realize now that I need to grow. That I've got to work through these issues, most especially before I finish my book because I can't finish my book with this unresolved conflict, when the purpose of my book is to share my resolved conflicts. This has been going on way too long and I need it to stop. I need to be able to make it stop. That's the point, not to be in control, but to be unified in my decision making. To resolve the conflicts that come from having many different parts.

I've got to work through these either before I get a job or by getting a job. Cause it's what's standing in the way. I have to work through these in order to have a successful relationship. I have to work through these in order to have successful friendships. I have to work through these in order to conquer the fear that I have.

And to be honest, I feel like right now, Felix is my next step.

Although, I've been getting the feeling that he's draining me. So I've got to make sure that no longer happens. But it's kind of like how it was with Mike. I feel like I'm babysitting him. But really, I'm only babysitting the qualities that we both share, that we both fall victim to. The qualities that need to change in both of us. And I can't solve his conflicts, he's got to do it. So you could say that helping him isn't really about helping him. But It's like I'm speaking to myself through speaking to him. I'm telling him what I need to be reminded of.

We both have the same exact damn power plays. It's insane. We use the same exact techniques. I wonder if I picked it up from him five years ago. lol. Sometimes, solving the problems while you feel safe is the best way to solve them. You know? You can't heal when you're always on your guard. And I had to do that with a lot of other guys. I need to now work on my power issues in a safe setting and part of that is being with someone new but someone I trust. I need to feel that we're on fresh grounds, that the past isn't going to come up with leverage or be used against each other, or to intimidate me. Cause that sparks power issues. and I need to know that I can trust him and depend on him.

Regardless of if it's true, I do feel it. I feel relaxed. I don't have any urge to fight with him, my ego isn't sparked, my pride isn't sparked. But I still have these power issues that come from being afraid.

So we'll see what happens.