You know what I think? I was always irritated at people. Just like I am now. The only difference is, I was mega rude back then. I think it was kind of a power thing. It meant I didn't care, even though sometimes I did and it was a pleasure having them care - especially when I didn't.

Not that it was all a lie, I always have to remind myself that I am often truly annoyed. But the point is, I don't want to express the fact that I don't care about people anymore. It's pretty awful. So what has changed is not my annoyance. I was always annoyed at people. I've only become more conscientious and less emotionally attached. Now I no longer passionately hate anyone and therefore feel justified in ...ha, I'm beginning to sing the song I had just put at the top of the conversation I was reading:

"growl. its just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up. everythings fucked. everybody sucks. you don't really know why but you wanna justify ripping someones head off!"

I had those days a lot, apparently. Very girlie of Limp Bizkit. Very PMS. Not that I blame PMS in the least. I cannot recall a single time I've acknowledged PMS. Except the actual day I started my period for the very first time and I was, needless to say, grumpy. Who has a baby at age ten anyway? It's bs.

Anyway, it's kind of nice to know that my annoyance isn't a recent development. It really doesn't give me much hope though...

It's very dismissive though. Like, one day I adore you but the next I'm like fuck off. Like, how much people meant to me shifts easily. If you can do enough for me, I adore you. If you give me enough attention or make me feel satisfied, I like you. But things can change very easily and, at least for a lot of these guys online (it was Shawn this time), there wasn't much else after the situation lost its appeal. Kind of sad.

I hate the way I make myself sound cause it sounds really cliche and I like to think I'm anything but. Yet, that's how I find myself explaining the situation and my motives.