[15:46] IAMSpartacus117: I suck.
[15:47] call me krit: Why?
[15:47] IAMSpartacus117: Cause I'm really black and white. Like either I really like someone and I probably want to date them or have sex with them or I don't like them at all.
[15:48] IAMSpartacus117: Like I don't have very many friends who I hang out with and I'm kind of neutral about. It's like I like you or I don't, end of story.
[15:48] IAMSpartacus117: So if I don't like people very much... I don't want to have anything to do with them. even if they aren't horrible. I just want to avoid them.
[15:48] call me krit: Well, what happened?
[15:48] IAMSpartacus117: What happened to cause that?
[15:49] call me krit: Yes.
[15:50] IAMSpartacus117: well.. Mike.
[15:50] IAMSpartacus117: "he made me who I am today" haha. I hate that saying.
[15:50] call me krit: Ha.
[15:51] IAMSpartacus117: I think cause I liked him so perfectly. All his flaws were irrelevant. I just loved and loved and loved him. Even though we fought all the time.. lol but it didn't bother me. I just had so much compassion for him.
[15:53] IAMSpartacus117: And all of the people I put up with before or while I was dating him, became so irritating after he was gone. because, well, they were irrelevant. They always were irrelevant, but I kept them around anyway. I didn't care about them very much and I was often annoyed by them. When I was dealing with the breakup I just couldn't handle them, I couldn't handle any further stress, everything was a trigger and I just wanted to make the statement that Mike was the most important person in my life.
[15:53] IAMSpartacus117: You know, that I didn't want or need or care about anyone but him.
[15:54] IAMSpartacus117: And I've never lost that mindset. I still either have to really really like someone or I can't stand to be around them. Having something really great with Mike kind of proved to me that I didn't need to waste my time with people who didn't meant that much to me.
[15:54] IAMSpartacus117: But now, almost nobody means anything to me.
[15:54] IAMSpartacus117: And people try to be my friend but if I don't love them or like them a lot, I can't stand them..
[15:55] call me krit: Dang. That's deep, lol.
[15:55] IAMSpartacus117: I've become extremely antisocial.
[15:57] IAMSpartacus117: And it ticks me off when people like me, because even if I don't hate them, just being what used to be nuetral or semi-friendly causes me to now reject everything about them. if you get what I'm saying.
[15:57] call me krit: Yeah.
[15:58] IAMSpartacus117: I've been so cruel to people over the years. No wonder I don't have any friends. But that's the thing, I can't really complain. Cause although I want friends. I want friends that I REALLY LIKE. Not friends that I'm just okay with.
[15:58] IAMSpartacus117: And it seems like all the people I really like are completely ironically out of my reach one way or another.
[15:59] call me krit: :-\
[15:59] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah. It's all twisted.
[16:00] call me krit: I see that.


So I came to those itty bitty conclusions about the matter. And then I was thinking about how I'm self-centered when I talk to people. Not in a horrible way, I just often talk about myself. But I also realized that people don't often talk about themselves. It's not that I don't allow them to. It's just that they don't confide in me. I don't know why. And I was thinking, this is a problem, I like to connect with people very directly and they don't like to connect with me.

But then I turned it all around very suddenly! I don't like connecting with people! That is the black and white. That is the difference. That's what makes me neutrally sort of dislike someone to the point where I get so aggravated that I hate them. They're not horrible people but they irritate the fuck out of me. Why? Because they try to connect with me.

I try and I try to connect with people like Kristen or James - people that don't try to connect back. I'm attracting people who won't connect with me and denying those who will. Steve tried to connect with me. He talked for hours with me before he tried to kiss me. lol. And he was a good conversationalist. I liked what he had to say, but I refused to connect with him. And it was invasive to have him try to connect with me, it made me uncomfortable. And it was the same with Garland. He always talked to me and he wanted to talk about philosophy and get to the root of the thing, and he really felt he could do it with me but I completely rejected the connection. It felt extremely invasive. And it irritated me.

As soon as I broke up with Mike, Andrew was there, trying to connect with me. Trying to spend time with me and establish a relationship. I rejected him. And guess what? I'm actually attracted to him now. But he'll have nothing to do with me. HE WON'T CONNECT WITH ME, and now I like him. I felt completely uncomfortable with Serigo, because he wanted to connect with me.

There are some exceptions. I mean, lol, I was comfortable with Carlos. But guess what, he couldn't speak English and I couldn't speak Spanish. No joke. We hung out tons and I really liked him - But it was literally impossible to establish a connection because we simply couldn't communicate!!!

And I liked Harry. I liked his stories, but he wasn't really interested in me cause his cousin was making out with me. I liked Tim but he's not interested in me. I've been trying to establish a connection with James since before Mike and I broke up but he has always avoided it. It probably feels invasive to him!

This is the missing piece. This is why I'm not connecting. I know, I've been wondering why I couldn't connect with people. I stupidly thought that I wanted to connect with people. But I only thought I did. I've rejected every connection. Even Kristen makes me feel uncomfortable when she flirts with me or wants to kiss me. But then when she doesn't want to kiss me, I feel like kissing her!

John and Dan are different stories. I mean, in some ways it's the same issue. But Dan is an exception because I love him as much as I loved Mike. So in that sense, I want to connect with him intimately. Part of it is that I've known and loved him before Mike, so it was just a return of the old connection instead of a new connection entirely. But at the same time, there has been a loss of connection because of the states between us and I'm in no hurry to change that because being that close would probably make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I do push him away when he mentions marriage.

With John, well, I liked him. I felt comfortable with him so I began to connect with him. I wasn't sure where it would go because he had Lyla and when he came over I was very, very afraid to date him but I talked myself into it. And I was ready to make myself do it, to ignore my fear because I knew that I liked connecting to him. But before I could, he went back to Lyla.

I don't really want to connect with him anymore. He's not who I thought he was. But I still allow his advances because I crossed a line, and I'm no longer afraid to physically connect with him and he's all I have in that area. I'm too afraid to physically connect with anyone else. So I take him when I can get him. And it's a nice comfortable feeling until it gets ripped away from me and suddenly I'm off his myspace and he can't ever talk to me again because Lyla won't let him.

I wonder how many people are afraid to connect with me. I mean, Dan has always been off and on, and he doesn't want to dedicate himself to one girl, or at least he didn't. Kristen throws herself at people, not to be mean, but she doesn't really mean it. She dated Kyle for like two years but she didn't establish a deep connection with him that entire time. John is definitely afraid to establish a connection with me. Every time we get near to it and it's going along great he runs away. Even though he keeps coming back, he inevitably runs away again. James has the same problem I do. He had his first love and he lost his virginity and they dated and it's been off and on but he just can't get over her. I would imagine that the "love" is lost. That he's not so much in love with her as he's just attached to her because he's too afraid to start anew, to start making a connection with anybody else. Just like I am with Mike. So damn connected and now that he's gone I just don't know how to start it over again with someone new.

Part of positive aspect about growing up is that you gain the power to self-reflect. To think about what you need to do in a situation. To process within your thoughts what you need to learn and how you need to do it. It's a beautiful thing. But part of the negative aspect is that we gain self-doubt and fear. And it hinders us in ways that we didn't have as a child. Things were so easy when you didn't try. Things just happened and you never thought about it, never reflected on it.

It's the same exact thing that I'm going through with the winter. I didn't pay attention at all a few years ago. I never went into my backyard. I never paid attention to the grass or the trees. Everything was a blur. I was too busy obsessing over Dave, I guess. I stayed locked up in my room talking online to people like Frank and Cory and Felix.

But now I pay attention. I see when the leaves begin to fall. I see every day of the agonizing winter. I process it. I acknowledge it. And it takes forever to end. And when April comes, things still haven't changed. In my memory, spring came by in a flash and it was lovely. But things don't happen in a flash. It takes weeks and weeks for the trees to become green. Some are only now, half way through May getting green. And things have happened to the grass in certain areas. In three spots the grass is dead because of mud or rain or something suffocating it. It's hard to reflect on things.

And it's the same way with friends. When I was younger, everything just happened. I never sat and wondered how to make friends. It just happened. I just made connections in a flash and I was flirting and talking with everyone. But dating Mike made me immensely self-reflective. I took control, I took the reins out of my subconscious' hands. Not completely. But obviously with friends. I no longer went with the flow. And now that I'm in control, I realize that I can no longer wait for things to happen. I have to consciously make things happen. But now I've got self-doubt. Not that I've analyzed myself I've found things to fear, reasons to be anxious. And now I'm keeping myself from making things happen. And it's agonizing.

It's agonizing trying to balance responsibility with fear. I'm in control, but I can't make any decisions because I'm too afraid. It's like when you watch someone play a video game and you're enjoying it, but then you get the idea that you want to try it. Except you suck. You refuse to give the control back to someone else, but you suck at it so you never get anywhere. You want to see the game progress, but it can't. I don't know that it's possible to give the reins back to my subconscious. But I'm not getting anywhere by being in control. I have to work through this fear that's hindering me from fulfilling the responsibilities that I have.