[06:15] IAMSpartacus117: I've just been thinking about rape a lot lately. It's been a glaring issue...everywhere I turn there's someone on a movie I'm watching or a tv show that's being raped. and the problem is, when it's a movie they're pretty graphic about it and I'm tired of seeing all of these women in such emotional pain. I saw a movie on the sex trade the other day... where they kidnap like 9-15-20 yr old girls and then sell them to people for sex.
[06:15] IAMSpartacus117: it's pretty sick.


[06:22] IAMSpartacus117: I forgot about molestation.
[06:22] IAMSpartacus117: I'm been concentrating so hard on rape and men don't often get raped, but boys often get molested. often by men though...

And I'm glad he reminded me of molestation. Because although men are still quite often the rapists and molesters... boys can also be victims to that. And how could I have ignored that? In one of the tv shows that I was watching three of the boys were also molested. In fact, the boy that raped Veronica is the boy who was molested.

I guess I just 1, feel less sympathy because rape has a different dynamic than molestation, namely, a violent dynamic. If I'm not mistaken, which is also why I don't think about molestation, as I said, movies have been painting me a very vivid picture of rape and I've never seen a movie showing molestation, in the act. And emotionally, I think it's sick. Because it's often a parent or someone that you trust. They just kind of worm their way into a situation where they can abuse your trust and innocence.

Not to belittle what boys or little girls go through, but to be so fully defiled and used and often murdered afterwards - as with rape, is slightly worse. And to be so fully aware, so violently aware that you're being abused. I can't imagine ever being able to come back to sex with anybody afterwards. I used to think about it and tell myself that I wouldn't let it happen to me, I wouldn't keep myself from sex after an incident like rape. But lately, I haven't even been raped and I'm willing to give up sex over it. Like I said, sex is such a man's game. And rape is such a man's game, no question about it. The two just have to the most horrid similarities.

To ever have sex again would be a traumatizing experience in itself. But even so, I think the hardest part is the disassociation. Of your body. In the act. I'm thinking of how I would cope with the situation as it was happening. If struggling wasn't getting me anywhere. I would want to dissociate myself from my body. I think about it and it's like, during a rape, the mind is safe, it's not being used and defiled, even if your will is being abused. But the body is just so large and we're just so connected to it, like I said about John and the fact that the pressure he put on all of my body parts was stimulating because I could feel him all over... I don't really want to associate that experience with a rape experience but I imagine it's really hard to want to badly to crawl in a howl and hide and not be able to let go of your body. Until they murder you, perhaps....

I don't know. I have to stop thinking about it. I've already begun to numb myself to the horror of it. After probably seeing ten actresses this week, faking rape. I had a lot of pains in my lower legs and feet yesterday. It was going on for a few hours. And I finally realized that it was energy, sort of circulating. And I identified it as the energy from the two types of people involved in rape. The perpetrator, as my mom calls them... and the victims. I was really looking for a piece of mind. Some way I could fight or rationalize the existence of rape. And nothing was really helping. But carrying the energy kind of gave me a piece of mind.

I was thinking last night that if I have a boyfriend in the future I'll get him back through sex. I'll make sex a woman's game and it'll serve him right. But I can't really do that. I can't punish one single guy for such a large scope of wrong. You know what I mean? It wouldn't do any justice to the wider scope of things. It would do justice if I didn't allow myself to become one of those women who are bored with sex but still let their husbands carry on. If I do have sex it's going to be a two-person show or not a show at all. And I can think of a couple ways to make the guy prove himself that I might not mind doing...

In any case, I shed a lot of tears for rape last night. And now I'm kind of back to square one. In the first place, I didn't feel very close to rape. I wasn't very affected by knowing that it's out there. And I personally don't mind. Some of the best ways to cope are denial and ignoring the problem. I often get into mindsets where I blame the other side. Like I concentrate on the people who rape and not the people who get raped. Like feminists concentrating on men and not the fact that women are part of the result, of how life is today. Women make decisions, whether they're aggressive decisions or passive decisions.

The only way I can get a piece of mind is not by dwelling on the evils of men, but by making productive decisions on the side of women. Part of being so mentally involved with rape is that you see rape on a superficial level. And knowing about this world is exclusively about the superficial level. So maybe I have to just stop being horrified and dig a little deeper..