Nice morning, rather. Rainy. Not anymore though. But it created a soothing atmosphere. One of the things rain often does is become a transparent curtain for the world. And in that sense, as it sheaths the world, it equalizes everything in it, and creates what atmosphere it so desires.

Today's atmosphere is nice. Calm. And there isn't any sunny so the lighting is very equal. I detest the sun because it can't light up the world equally, or at least New York, eh? Always shadows and that poachy color on the leaves and the grass. No, no. Today is not like that.

Granted, how nice can autumn and winter be? Yesterday I drove on one of the back roads I never take and man was it the ugliest thing I've ever seen. It was like being back in Montana. I live in New York. Remember? Not Montana. Thank you very much.

But still. It's a forgivable scene under the pretense of rain. And I wish the rain had continued. The sky is already starting to clear up. :(

I keep reciting The Raven in my head, without warning. I think I was concentrating so damn hard before I meant to do it in front of the class. I wanted to study it intensely, so that it was all ingrained at the tip-most part of my memory. And it was. I didn't forget a thing. Sometimes, in the middle of the paragraphs I would stumble and then correct myself. And I went rather fast. But I glided through it. And now it just won't go away.

Previous times when I'd studied the poem, I had let it go away. Which is why it took me so long to learn. Because I learned it and then let it go away. This time I made sure it wouldn't and now I can't shake the feeling that I'm keeping it at the tip-most part of my memory all the time, even though I don't need it anymore. So now my thoughts are interrupted with random quotes from the damn poem.

I'm pretty sick of saying it.

Naturally, I have another poem to memorize for Thursday. About two and a half damn days to memorize it. Eight stanzas. It's Greek and I picked out a nice rhyme so it'll become easier.

I'm just sort of not in the mood... you know? I wish I hadn't offered to do it last week. Absurd of me because that very day she gave us the date for when we had to learn our own poem. So now I have to get to the other one. :( I don't want to. If I had just waited a week I could have used The Raven! But I like the poem I chose... I only have the first stanza memorized so far. "They thought that I took no flower. From the virgin land of ever-still dreams. That those blossoms had not the power. To Bind me to the land where everything gleams." It's about Odysseus.

Last night I gave Isis a piece of candy. Small gummy thing. About the width of a gummy worm but half the length. It didn't seem to be that sugary or elaborate. But I think it was too much sugar for her. Who can say if the candy really made a difference but she was wild. She was taking her bath when it kicked in. She acted like the motor of a motor boat. Her arms were flying around splashing, for like five minutes straight. She didn't care that it was splashing into her eyes either.

Her adrenaline was rushing. Every movement she made was very quick. Like there was no pause to rest, she just kept moving. And, of course, she had some screaming and warrior cries in there. Not the sad kind. Just lots of noise. Her crazy laughing was cute.

Yesterday, as I was filling up gas, some black guy started talking to me. Since I was at a Catskill gas station he asked me if I lived in Catskill and then where I actually lived, since I don't live in Catskill. And then he asked my name. He had to repeat a lot of his questions because he was so damn casual about it that I wasn't entirely sure he was talking to me half the time. He was on the other side of the gas thingie. On the way in, to pay, he asked me if I was single. I said yes, naturally.

But on the way back out he asked how old I was. To which I replied Seventeen. And he didn't seem to fancy that. He practically apologized for hitting on me. Ha. Such a repellent I have. Funny enough, he wasn't the only stranger to talk to me with the tone of someone who's well-acquainted with me. This little girl asked me, as I was walking to my car, if it was my car. She yelled actually, down the street. And then she told me that her mom was taking her to the library. And when I drove past her she waved bye to me. Sociology makes me think about strangers a lot. What it means to be a stranger to one another. How we act towards them. There are a lot of people who treat each other like strangers and a lot of people who don't. I always admired the latter.

I love doing fantastically in school. I was really rather grumpy when we sat down to go over our test in Western Civilization. Because that score on Blackboard did not seem pretty. I haven't even gone back to see it because it looks horrible. I wonder if it's right, because when I tallied it up as he instructed me to do, it does not turn out the same. But I'm trying not to think about it.

I got two wrong. One of them was about the two of them being Polyponesian, however it's spelled. Anyway, it was false and I said true. I'm not peeved because at the time, I pretty much guessed. And I apparently guessed wrong. Can't beat myself up over it though. And the other one I got wrong, 95% of the class got right. It was an All of the Above type of deal and I only chose one of the answers, which incidentally was right. :p I laugh that I got it wrong. Because it's so ironic. All those questions that 30% of the class didn't get that I got and the one question that everybody seems to find simple, I overlook.

I got three others wrong. If I had only looked at those damn objectives. I meant to but I blew it off. If I had, I would have gotten those three right. But it doesn't matter, they were erased by the curve. Even though had I gotten them right the curve would have, instead, given me a hundred. But even though it's a shame I didn't get one hundred... truth is, I'm not used to it. I've never gotten one hundred on an exam. It's my M.O. to mess up a question or two here and there. But not too many, of course. I like to stay in my nineties.

That Forensic Science test that I thought I knew nothing of... I got a 92 on that. Which is the same score I got on the last test only I did the bonus on the last one so it went up to a 97. I knew the bonus for this one, I'm sad to have not done it. So I did well on my memorization. It was kind of amazing actually. I was shaking the entire time but it was an automatic reaction, I wasn't very nervous when I got up there.

And I realized, as I looked around and made eye contact with all of the people in the room, that a few of them wouldn't look me back in the eye. Usually when you're up in front of the class you feel like the weaker party. That's what's scary. They're all there in front of you, judging you. You're at their mercy. You're on the spot, especially, because you're always preforming when it happens. But I felt like the powerful one, every time I looked at someone and they averted their eyes. It was amusing. To know that I was the one on the spot, and they still felt weaker than me.
Very amusing. So that very day I had to do a small presentation on one of the ways to test Inorganics, in Forensic Science. I was way more nervous about that. I think because we had to prepare during class, so I felt pressured and rushed. But despite my nervousness, I was actually prepared. It was so strange... I can never wrap my mind around science. Many people say that scientists try to impress people with big words and complicated sentences that explain it. Because they like to be elite. So they like to have elite language, that few can understand. And maybe that's so. I never really wanted to admit that I was one of the non-elite that couldn't understand the language. I'd prefer not to admit I can't understand it.

But maybe I can't. Or I wish not to. As I read over the words, my mind just can't wrap itself around the concepts. They don't make sense to me. They don't confuse me, they just don't sink in. Like I can't open my mind to them. I'm blocked from understanding Science. Most likely why I failed Biology twice, eh? I'm sometimes sad to have missed out on chemistry, though. In any case, I HAD to understand this stuff because I had to present it. I think a lot of the other groups may not have understood the concepts either. As if they couldn't break down the scientific barrier. The elitist language. They couldn't translate it.

Truthfully, I was so wound up about my own presentation that I barely heard a word any of them said. lol. Nikki said the same thing. She's a little bit slower than me intellectually... so I rather took charge. And I forced myself to dissect the paragraphs in front of me and understand them. And I did. And I could speak of them in a very casual, modern language, and describe what they did. I was so proud of myself. I've never been able to do that with science. Rather, I've never WANTED to do that with science. Obviously, it was a chore. And I like my intellectual studies to be easy.

When I got in front of the class it went less smooth than I wanted it to. I couldn't exactly find the words I was looking for and it wasn't as organized on my page of notes as I originally thought I'd made it. At one point as I read off a definition I cursed myself because I sounded like everybody else, using scientific terminology. So after that I translated it into easier terms and sort of made up for my lack of not using easy terms in the very first place, as I'd planned to do. In any case, it wasn't a big deal, my teacher didn't intend to make it a big deal. So I have no worries. I'm just rather proud of myself for grasping the meaning of those stupid paragraphs, when it seems to go so against my nature. :p

You know, and I also had that Sociology presentation. My groups' acting was pretty shabby, but you see why I didn't want to fall prey to that... so I opted to be the narrator and I did pretty well. Very organized. Even had to remind the teacher about some of the requirements that she'd asked of us originally but dismissed our group before we could give to her. I keep wondering what she would have done, given us the five points anyway? Not all the groups really answered that. I've had a lot of public speaking...

I wonder why Isis is still sleeping... she usually doesn't sleep this long. Hmm.

Anyway, I feel very self-satisfied. Proving myself academically, testing a few of my limits. Strengthening my will and my power. I have a lot more confidence this semester. Confidence as a driver, which I didn't have last semester. Confidence in my emotions, tested by situations like talking to Dan. A boldness in classes that I didn't have last semester. I think I was rather shy and afraid. I shake though. That second day of Sociology, I believe it was, when I planned to share my opinion on one of the topics. It was sort of a small speech I had to say and she wouldn't call on me. She kept ignoring me. I swear it was so obvious that all the students sitting around me kept laughing or giving sympathetic looks.

But in any case, my heart was pumping very fast with the suspense of me sharing my opinion. I was very nervous. But I think what I've learned is, I would rather be nervous during my speeches, than knowing that my shyness has prevented my speeches. I don't know when I'll stop being afraid of whatever past life opening, public speaking gives me. I channel my past lives to become nervous, shaky and shy. But it's nice to know that I actually can function simultaneously with that fear. I can present and shake like a maniac.