I've decided to shake off my love for Dan. When I take my shower today it's going to wash off of me. Cause I've been down that road and it's torturous. It teases my mind and my sex drive. It takes away my ability to function. It makes everything else pale in comparison. It's awful. Most people will admit that they like to feel pain as well as pleasure. The torture of being in love with him is almost worth it. Just to feel that way. To feel my emotions so charged and exhilarated.

It was worth it. For the months in the spring and summer when I entertained the emotions. But then I moved on and it has been slightly less emotional and yet still very pleasing. I like being able to function. I like being unattached to particular people. I like that Dan hasn't really turned me on in months. And I like that when I get off the phone with him, I'm okay with it. I don't mind when we don't talk for a day or two. I like the company but I don't need him.

I don't miss the insomnia. I don't miss the endless time-consuming feelings I had for him. And you know what else? I don't entirely trust him. He makes a lot of bad decisions. He's evasive. And he's a suck up. :) I don't want to decipher his words and actions and try to make sense of it all. I don't want to be attached to justifications that make him as good as I want him to be.

There was such a combination last night that revived my feelings for him. Intensely. And if I had my guess, as to why it happened, I'd say that it was a test for me. To see if I was still willing to indulge my emotions. Still willing to give them fuel through my energy. I don't have the will to give my emotions all my energy anymore. No matter how tempting they are.