Lyla just sent me a really long message on myspace. All I read was "listen, this is something I should have fucking done two months ago" and my heart stopped. I truly fear conflict. You wouldn't think it. But it makes me sweat and shiver dramatically.

I don't want to read the letter. I highly doubt it's something I'll like and I don't want to concern myself with whatever it might be. I know it's about John. I saw him when I went trick or treating. I was looking for Joe because I heard Andrew's little brother say something about Bumbo. So there was a group of kids in front of us and I was searching for Joe when John turned. There was nothing to say. We just stared at each other... Considering how things ended up between it's not like we could say hey, what's up. And it surprised us both, to run into each other.

He was with Lyla. I didn't see her, only her hair as they walked away. He IMed me and simply asked if I wanted to kill him or some such thing. Ever since that casual way I answered him when he said he was moving to New Jersey, it's really worked out for me. Every time I talk to him I'm so indifferent. Well the funny thing is, I'm not actually indifferent. I'm sparked emotionally. Mostly resentment and the like. But I give these short, simple answers. Like "no," without explanation. Usually I'm in the middle of something and I don't stop and give him my full attention. I just keep playing my card game, watching tv, editing my picture. And I don't elaborate, I don't validate his subjects by my enthusiasm.

Very often I do this with people I don't like and it does not work to make them go away. But John is insecure, I think. He expects the worst. He won't force himself on me. Not that I think he wants to. But when he does strike up a conversation I just act indifferent and he goes away. Sometimes I'm even waiting to say the emotional stuff I have to say. But the opening never comes. There's got to be an opening for it in the conversation and it never feels like the right time. Before I know it he's said bye and who am I to disagree? I hesitate and then I say, ah, what the hell.. and let him go.

So I think my point is, I don't want Lyla to bring anything up. I don't want her to provoke something that will make me resent her, fear her or think about her. When I fight, I fight hard. And it consumes me. I don't want to fight right now. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to feel scared. I don't want to sweat and shiver. I don't want to try to prove my worth with my quick, keen debating skills. I don't want to make mincemeat out of her, you know? I don't want to have the compulsion to do that.

And I also don't want to think about John. He's not part of my life anymore. We didn't know each other for very long, thus, we've quickly lost touch. And whether he still has feelings for me or not isn't really relevant because he proved that he didn't want me. And neither do I want him. I may like to kiss him, but I'd sooner find another partner than deal with him.

I haven't messaged him or IMed him in like 2 months. Maybe more? When did I start this blog? That's when I stopped.

I don't deserve to hear anything she has to say about her or him.

As I told her, "I'm not reading that. Whether it's positive or negative, it doesn't concern me."

Seems like I've exchanged horrible words with nearly every single person in that group of friends. I left that behind when I left Mike behind. Lyla was one of the last people I still got along with.