Well, John finally asked to be friends again. Which I'm alright with, as I told him. But he won't be satisfied with that. Because being friends with me isn't what he really wants. He wants emotional drama. It's curious really.. I keep giving him exactly what he wants and he keeps changing his mind because he seems to always want to be in the position where he can complain about his situation. And I keep screwing up his opportunity.

He always comes to me with these unlikely propositions. He comes to me and wants to date me and he thinks it'll never happen and I go, hmmm I think I can give you that and then he's suddenly remembered he doesn't actually want to date me. So then he expects I'll hate him so his next unlikely proposition is being my friend again. And I go, sure, let's do it. But he won't stop there, he wants to be in love with me again, but knows I'll never trust him and I've probably moved on so he tries to get me again and the cycle continues.

I'm very agreeable. He says let's be friends and I say okay. He says let's be lovers and I say okay. He says let's not be anything and I say okay. But as soon as I say okay, he's got to find something else to want.

As far as I'm concerned it's his need to make himself a victim. Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. And woe is him. But I like life to be easy and carefree. I don't like needless, illogical pain. I like to be sensible. And in that way, I sometimes like to give people what they want. The simple, easy things that you'd think wouldn't matter to most people but seem to create a lot of discord when not received.

I don't exactly know why Johns stupid enough to try to play his cards with me. I'm exactly the wrong tool. I'm too optimistic, sensible and I'm definitely not the passive girl he wants to dominate. God, he's controlling. Restricting is a good word to use alongside of controlling. But now that I think about it, he doesn't really restrict anything. I may have been thinking about Umbridge at that time...

As I told John, he likes to probe for what he wants. Always trying to make me his goal and his problem in attaining the goal, simultaneously.

Maybe I shouldn't be his friend. But there's something that appeals to me about him. One of my humongous slipups about John was that I lost control of my emotions. Everything about him was so emotional. My attraction to him was hyper emotional. The lust. The fear. The drama because of Lyla. The fights between us. And then the depression afterwards. I totally lost it. Emotionally.

I can't quite put my finger on which it is, am I attracted to him because it's an emotional situation or did I fear him because it's an emotional situation? Because I assumed that I feared him because I fear getting close to people. But maybe I wasn't feeling general fear. Maybe I feared losing control of my emotions. Which quite frankly can easily be associated with the former fear. Part of the problem with getting too close to someone is that the bonds of humanity are based on emotions. Family, friends, lovers -- all of those are derived from emotional value. And maybe that's why I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid to get emotionally involved with people.

Emotions just seem to be a front. You love someone? What's love a front for? You hate someone? What's hate a front for? I'm always looking for the deeper motive behind an emotion. The logic. People do things for logical reasons. Not necessarily sensible reasons but they try to make themselves believe that what they're doing is rational. Even on the deepest levels where they can't even tell what's going on. That's why all they feel is emotions, the result per se.

I'm not satisfied with feeling my emotional reactions to myself and the life around me. At least not at my best. Sometimes I do slip up.

In any case... I think it flatters me to be the object of John's emotion. He is so very intensely emotional. God, I used the word intense a lot when we were involved. I should have seen through my own words. Emotionally intense. Loaded words??

I always try to use that phrase, loaded question -- or whatever it is. But I can't quite figure out what it implies.

Even though I know Johns a total crackpot. Even though I know his emotions are a fraud. It flatters me that he's always pointing them my way. I guess, part of me is attracted to emotion - that's obviously why it's my downfall and that's obviously why it's my major nemesis. Therefore, I can't help but indulge myself, indulge him a little bit... play along with the game.

Remember, that's why I told myself that perhaps the next time he asks to be friends I should just come right out and tell him I love him. Skip a couple wasteful steps. Scare him off right away... lol. I'm not daring enough to do it though. I hate to lie. It makes me shy. You need a particular boldness to lie. The truth is sort of foolproof. I mean, people don't always believe you but you know you've done all you can. A lie isn't protected because there are so many truths out there to expose it. I can't stand taking the risk of a lie. Scares me.

I wouldn't ever be able to tell John I loved him and pretend I did... It would be so extremely amusing though. I wonder if I could wrangle Amelia to do it. She likes to act.

I wonder what Lyla said to me. It has been about a week, right? I just know I won't like it. Whatever it's about. I don't want to have anything to do with Lyla and I don't want to get mixed up with John. That emotional attractiveness is just so absorbing. :(