Well this began as a letter to Dan. Cause when we got off the phone I felt like I hadn't said all I needed to say so I opened up a myspace message to finish and found that I had way more to say than I thought. Since it was so detailed and reflective I figured I might as well put it in here and he can read it here. But it's directed to him at least until the end... so all the "yous" are meant to be Dan:


I only told you that I have feelings for John because I didn't want to get into it too deep, and then have a big explanation to give you. I don't want to make out with him all day and then have to surprise you with the news after the fact, and I neither want to hide it from you, although I was seriously considering the idea. But in the spirit of straightforwardness I decided to tell you. Because who knows what the future holds, or if anything will even come of this.

In any case, to get involved with John is a weakness on my part. I'm tired of appreciating or in other words, falling in love with guys.. who can't be bothered with me. I mean, I'm tired of appreciating guys and not being able to pursue it. I like being in love. I like to fawn over boyfriends and be touchy-feely and really intimate. I like to have a routine with someone. And I keep having that dangled in front of me but just out of my reach. With you, with John, with James.

But the one thing John gave me is our physical exploits. And they were comforting and fun. And honestly, the only thing I have in my reach. It's like saying on my part, I'll take what I can get.

I think that's currently all I see in my future. I don't think I'll pursue a romantic relationship with John, I don't know if I could even love him and I don't know when he'll be ready to let Lyla go. But I feel like I can't keep myself from getting physically intimate with him because I want to be intimate with someone in general so badly, and John is the only guy I'm comfortable with who is willing to give me that physical sense of intimacy. I definitely couldn't have sex with him but like I said, I fear a weakness on my part. A sense of surrender to my emotional needs and whatever satisfies them.

If I could have a sensible, reliable, intimate relationship with someone I cared for I'd probably do it. But for some reason that doesn't seem to be in my cards and I guess I am lonely. I wonder if it's hypocritical of me to say this after my explanation of why I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend- settling for less isn't my style. But if I didn't settle for less I wouldn't have been in love with you for the past ten months.

Well, in any case... if you had asked me how I felt three days ago I would have laughed at both you and John.. because you both had me and gave me up and thus lost your chance to be with me and I was content to keep my distance from both of you. And now I find my emotional body being drawn to both of you at the same time. And yet, maybe I am asking to be the mistress in both cases. Because you both are already otherwise engaged.

I guess I just don't have the strength to push you both out of my life- friendship-wise. I don't want to be alone. I think one thing that makes the formation of a mistress come about easily is that it's so easy to find yourself in a reality with someone... a little bubble. Both of you talk to me individually on the phone or online with no one around to tell me that my reality is false. So when you flatter me I don't tell myself, "well he thinks I'm beautiful but he's got a girlfriend". There's no reason to remind myself of such things.

And that just carries on.. taking things with harmless baby steps until suddenly I realize that my whole reality is fabricated because the true reality is that I don't have any sort of relationship with either of you.

I haven't really come to that realization yet. I'm still living in the now, with each of you. And the now is just simple - I talk to each of you, I enjoy each of your personalities, both of you seem to enjoy me. At this point I'd be daft to make any plans for the future with either of you. I probably don't have a future with either of you. But I enjoy these harmless baby steps, even if they're leading me into dangerous territory.

You guys keep me company and you flatter me.. I like getting use out of my cell phone and my aim. I feel empty when I don't have contact with people. When no one touches my life.

But that's the bigger picture. Or maybe it's the smaller picture. That's the motivation behind the picture. It makes it sound impersonal to you and John. Like I don't care about either of you, like these roles have already been created and you're just filling the blank spot. Maybe that's how it is with everybody, even if they don't want to admit it.

I think I just needed to gain some alternative perspective on what I've got going on. You telling me that I enjoyed being a mistress kind of made me reflect on the fact that I do seem to be walking directly into this situation without a care in the world. Why am I heading there if it's not where I want to go? In my reasoning, as long as I can keep control of the situation- no harm can come of it. Maybe I'm wrong to think that...

But I have made some excellent productive decisions, you can't deny me that. Aside from my confession the day before yesterday... I'd only said I love you to you like once or twice and I hardly ever cyber kiss you on the lips. I always kiss you on the cheek. And I'm a little cuddly but at least I've never returned your sexual advances. And that was my intention. It's been like that the past month.

And then I started getting attached to both of you again and now my intentions seem to have changed. And you're acting like we're back to square one. Not to blame you. But now that I think about it, your behavior is slightly strange since within this past month, today (and that confession the other night) are practically the first time we've ever directly talked about you and I in reference to romantic involvement.

Even with our texts that said physical things, on my part, they were always a bit mechanical. Like they didn't have a lot of deep meaning behind them. They didn't symbolize us being as deeply emotionally involved as we were a few months ago. I haven't thought of us that way. They were just simple actions of affection, not heavy with intimacy or feeling.

I wonder how long that could have been carried on for. I guess that's what John symbolizes with his reappearance in my life. I can't flirt harmlessly with him. Last time I did that he fingered me and we got a fraction away from dating. Him and I, and especially him, are both too intense and dramatic to be harmless. At this point I'm kind of just following his lead because I don't know what he's going to make of this situation... And being as dramatic and intense as I am, it's almost like I'm giddy to have a partner in crime. It excites me that he could be someone to share my guilty act with. Because I know it's wrong to delve into my emotions that way. But it's my -what's that term??... guilty pleasure. Emotions are my guilty pleasure. My weakness.

That's why I expect no leniency on the situation. I don't expect to be handed such an easy way to pursue my guilty pleasure with no repercussions. There certainly were repercussions last time.

If only John were as insane as he was last time. Right now he's really smart and sensible and funny and I'm wondering when his transformation is going to take place- into that confused, dramatic, intense, loco person that he was when we last parted. I can't deny him at the moment. I can't deny this person he's showing me. I like it. I want more of it.

It's weird. I've hated him so much these past couple of months. I didn't miss him in the least because I disliked him so much. And now I understand why I ever gave him a chance in the first place. He was probably just as charming now as he was before. Damnet. It didn't last long last time. It probably won't last long this time. I can't be sure what sets him off though.

I don't know what his trigger is. I guess it's his insecurity with his life. His life is so unstable and out of his control and perhaps I threaten his safety zone way too much. I am pretty demanding and I don't let emotions become valid excuses for not getting things done. So maybe if I don't ask anything of him he won't get stressed over our friendship. I can do that...

I think the problem with these situations I put myself in is that I'm never quite satisfied. All those months being with Dan, I was looking forward to being with him. That was my intended goal. If I become friends with John expecting something nothing good can come of it. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen. But I'm not sure what form it will take. I feel like him and I are treading on thin ice though.