I feel like I'm the only one who takes my English class seriously...

I got the highest test score on our short story test.

I was the only one who came into class on draft day with everything typed up and essentially complete, everybody else had just written drafts with a couple paragraphs. I had like four pages worth.

I recited 108 lines from memory, otherwise known as The Raven.

We all had to memorize a poem, minimum 5 lines. I chose another poem, 30 lines and memorized it. There were only about ten people who showed up. Half of them had forgotten and didn't have their poem memorized at all. Half of the half that claimed they were ready, weren't ready at all. This one girl had about ten words in her poem. It was a jewel poem. It seriously had like four lines. It definitely did NOT meet the requirement, but what's more, she didn't even have it memorized. She just read it from her paper.

I feel efficient, amongst all of those who really don't give a rats ass. I was once like them as well... I really have proved myself in college. I do suppose this is who I was always meant to be. But high school wasn't the appropriate place for me.

In any case, I kind of channeled their energy before I did my poem. I was the last. Fuck it. I should have been the first because none of them made eye contact, none of them spoke loudly, none of them knew it all by heart - they either had to look down a lot or didn't know it at all. There was only one girl who did pretty well. And she said afterwards that her cheeks felt really hot and red because she was so nervous and she didn't make any eye contact.

And I channeled that. I know it sounds like a justification for the fact that I messed up. But it was so laid back. And there is quite a difference between being relaxed and being prompt and efficient. I feel like I don't have the right reasoning to back up what it is I channeled and why. It's just that, I wasn't that nervous standing up in front of 20 people - at the head of the room, looking everybody in the eye, reciting 108 lines.

This time, I was sitting down, in a small circle with like ten people... with only 30 lines. And I didn't look at anybody and I think that also messed me up. It didn't feel right. I looked at the ground and spilled it all out. I screwed up one line and just started the stanza over again and then at like the end of the sixth stanza I totally blanked. Ironically, it was the easiest part of the whole damn poem. It was the last line of the particular stanza and it was so easy but I couldn't remember it. And Amelia was like, well why didn't you just glance down at your paper and get the next word and move on... because I kind of made a big deal about it, I stopped my whole recitation and groaned about how I was blanking out.

But I had earlier on recited the poem about 15 times and one thing I knew is that even if I hesitated... I mean I could say it really fast, in a very automatic way, but if I hesitated in remembering it, I could bring it up in a second's hesitation. You know what I mean? I never forgot, I only hesitated. So I felt like there was no need for my paper because I KNEW it. Even if I hesitated, the poem was already in my head and I need only look at my mental sheet of paper to remind me of the poem. But I completely blanked.

So I turned over my paper and read that last line and then finished the poem. But I was SO nervous. My heart was pounding, my face was flushed. I remember telling myself during the second stanza, calm down. I remember telling myself, this is okay, calm down.

But the one advatage The Raven had is that it was more or less programmed into me. I could say a lot of it in my sleep. I've been reciting those stanzas for four years. This poem was memorized in this past week. And when the words were gone, they were seriously gone. And of course, the more you mess up the more you mess up consequently because you lose confidence when you mess up and it hinders your ability to finish afterwards.

Still, to be fair, I recited more by heart than any other person there. But I was disappointed because I knew it, like I said, I'd recited it like 30 times that morning. I knew it. But I couldn't think.

And it was really cute too because, Ashley, I think her name was, said at the beginning that she didn't think I should have to do a second poem because I'd already done the first poem for everybody. And I smiled, but the teacher said in a good natured manner that I LIKED doing stuff like this, it was fun for me. So that's why I would do it. And then she joked about how I'd get two A's. I'm pretty sure I got one A. Not two but one. Even though I messed up, I've already proved myself, at least...

I just blushed so horribly for like five minutes afterwards because I was so disappointed in myself. And I wish it had been in a more business-like manner. You know? I wish that I could have stood up in front of a grand audience and looked everybody in the eye because I felt much more calm at that moment than sitting around the camp fire, with understanding people who knew what it felt like to be nervous.

And I remember thinking something abstract about how it was kind of weird that I would be the only one there prepared to do it, without needing cheat sheets and the like, with a long poem and everything. I kind of think that the atmosphere wasn't very efficient and business-like and I cantered to the atmosphere, I sort of lowered my standards to fit in. Not consciously... it was just the mood. I channeled the mood. :(

But I'll get over it. Next time though, I'm looking everybody in the eyes. If I look down like I'm nervous and shy, I start to feel nervous and shy and then it consumes me until I can't hear my thoughts, just my heart pumping and my breath wavering. It's awful.