I've decided to become abstinent. I know that sounds odd since I haven't had sex for two years but that was only because there wasn't an opportune person to have sex with. I would have had sex with good opportunity.

Thing is, I've really been looking for an excuse for quite some time. I just don't feel like I belong to the world of sex. Not to say that I'm taking a vow of abstinence. It's not lack of sex that makes the difference, it's my mindset towards sex that has changed and that will prompt me to make new decisions in the future. Regardless of if I end up having sex or not.

Maybe this all has something to do with watching that movie on the sex trade. Human Trafficking, it's called. And seeing women raped and degraded was horrifying, to say the least.

And I've kind of had that kind of a day. A grief stricken day. I feel like I've come across something I need to resolve inside of myself. Something about the misuses of power around the world. I frequently come across the theme of great and controlling power that inevitably uses it for wrong. In many different areas, you know?

As I drove home, I didn't even seek to race all the other cars because power is what drives me, no pun intended. To overtake people on the road is about power. To be caught behind a slow driver is a lack of power. And today, I couldn't bear to let that motivate me in such a ridiculous manner.

And then it occurred to me. I keep saying the words, it's a man's world over in my head. Except I transfer the saying onto sex. Sex is a man's game. It's common for women who rise up in this man's world, and gain power, to also gain men's techniques. Women try to become like men, to fit into this world.

And by golly, that's what defines a lot of my motivation to have sex. Sex is a man's game and I'm just trying to fit in. I'm thinking that the only way I can survive within men is if I conform. But I just can't seem to.

All around me there are all these glaring forms of perversion about sex. Everything about it is just so ugly. What it does to men. What it does to women through men's eyes. What women become because of it. Prostitution, stripping, sex trade, rape. I'm just so sick of seeing it.

And one glaring conclusion I can make is that it's a men's game. It revolves around the needs and the power of men.

Believe me, I'm frequently turned on. Frequently needy and hungry with lust. However, it's men that tell me that when I get horny I'm supposed to have sex. Not to say that any particular man has said this. But it's men who see this conclusion as inevitable.

And I kept trying to work within that pretense. I kept saying that my sexual needs would be met through sex. And yet, it's still a man's game. And I feel, and have always felt pressured to conform to that game to win a man's affection. I mean to say, I don't want to disappoint the guys I like. And that's why I've been so resolved to make sex work.

But I don't want to be a victim of man. The symbol of man. Not humans, but the symbol of masculinity. I don't want to be dominated by the rules of man. Maybe that's what the movie represented to me. It represented women being forced to conform to the rules of man, of the male. But what they wanted, what so many fucking men want, is so awful.

Sex is just a facade for their perversions. Everything about sex, the way it's used in our society, based on the terms of men, is horrid.

I plan to have a husband and babies. And sex is an essential part of that scheme. But for once in my life I feel like I want to be the type of girl who says "I'm not going to have sex with you until the wedding." I always disliked those women. I thought they were dumb, for lack of a better explicative word. But maybe I just didn't like their reasoning. In any case, I feel like the most powerful thing I could do right now is claim my own right.

I don't like sex. I don't like common sex, I mean. I don't like what I see, what I know men want. It doesn't really satisfy me sexually, it doesn't satisfy me emotionally, and it really only bothers me. The pressure bothers me. Trying to make it work bothers me. Personally, I find masturbation a lot better. Even though, while I masturbate I'm thinking of real sex. Truth is, I can't make guys see what I want about sex. I keep thinking hey, one day I'll see that their plan is good for me. One day I'll realize it's worth it.

But will that day ever come? There are so many women who dislike sex in such a cliche manner. It's a cliche that women only have sex in this bored manner, to appease their husbands. It is so common!! And when they do like sex? That's when they're fiendish. Women have to get this fiendish quality to enjoy sex. And even then, I've never talked to a fiendish woman personally, but I'd really be interested to know if it physically feels as great as one boasts. Because something tells me that there are other benefits, power most often, that make women like that choose to enjoy sex. They're usually very tempting and they love that too. They love the power their body holds.

I mean fiendish women have urgent, hot and heavy sex, Often. But do they enjoy it?

I'm just so sick of playing a man's game. And I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of having my needs go unnoticed because those idiots can't expand their minds to comprehend that perhaps what gives them pleasure does not, in fact, give us pleasure. I'm sick of trying to explain to them what does give me pleasure to no avail. They're just too stuck in their own rules. They don't care what a woman wants.

I mean, every single time a guy even tries to give me an orgasm, he doesn't even listen to what I want. He goes straight for my clit. You'd think, that would be the right thing to do. That's what I do when I masturbate. But it's not. It's not the right thing to do. I can't quite explain why, I just know that perhaps sex for me is not about orgasms. And it is obviously about orgasms to guys.

I was just thinking today... every time people talk about how they've "had sex" it sounds like such an event. And imagine all those guys who can get off in a manner of seconds, sometimes mercifully a few minutes... I'm thinking of teenage boys and especially virgins. I'm just thinking how silly it is that they can go around saying they've "had sex" when to have sex will often be so very quickly accomplished for them and their dicks.

I can't connect with anyone, intimately, within the rules that have been set forth for so many years. And I hate the raging degradation involved for women. Soo much of it is degrading. From male sex trades not existing to men who have ten wives and kings who have concubines. To stripping and prostitution. All of it is degrading towards only one gender.

So, I have things to do and people to see....

P.S.
Isis is perfect.