So, my sister Stephanie has come today. My nephews came a day or two ago but she didn't come until today and she's leaving tomorrow. I have obviously harbored some resentment for her, I kept thinking that it was good she wasn't here because blah blah blah. But at the same time, there's some masochism in it, in the sense that, you almost Want to be around people you don't like. Partly for victim and blame reasons but also partly because you want those issues to be stimulated, you want an opportunity to be tested.

At Andrew's party, James came and he brought someone with him. I thought it was Jon, because of the clothes he was wearing. And I was like UGGHH, why did he bring Jon??! But then James came over and I asked him why he brought Jon and he said he had brought Justin, not Jon. And I was actually disappointed. Like I didn't want him to be there, but I kind of wanted the situation where I was forced to be around him.

Actually, I have realized I do not have a problem with him. Not that I like him or admire him or want to be around him. But I don't hate him, he doesn't bother me. The things that bothered me about him before were partly about Shannon, because we had a love triangle for a while there, and partly because of a quality that Shannon pointed out to me that I grew to resent even after Shannon and I were no longer friends.

In any case, it was the same with Stephanie. I expected her to come and I was like blahdjhsjrhkdjfs. But then I heard she wasn't coming until a few days later and then only staying for one day and I was disappointed.

But it's better to have no anxiety in life. To rest assured that you will be able to keep your peace and your security in any situation. So perhaps the fact that I feared being around her was the reason I knew I had to be around her.

So she came today and I was a little nervous, I took a shower before I said hello and then I went out and I gave her a hug. I was happy to see her. She seemed happy to see me.

But that's to be expected. Because she's always been my idol. And that's why I've always resented her so much, because when your idol falls off of her pedestal, well, the higher up you are, the harder you fall. I often resent people I admire, especially when I feel like they don't accept me.

The problem is, when the resentment is gone, I go back to admiring and neither are healthy. I think the reason you need your idol to fall off the pedestal is that you can't go around believing that there are people better than you. There are those who go around hating themselves because they believe people are better than them and then there are those who have idols. They don't necessarily feel bad by identifying that someone is better than them. However, they do get into an adoring role. Where it's like a celebrity and a fan club. In actuality, there are people who are in fan clubs and adore celebrities. And it's almost like they've allowed themselves to be in a demeaning role, a subversive role - where their entire purpose is just to adore.

And I think that we need to have a healthy, balanced, equal perspective of who we are in regards to someone else. We can't think that we're better than anyone else and we can't think that anybody else is better than us. As we are one with God, there really isn't any superiority or inferiority.

And I know that if I go back to adoring her in that way, that it will only make me be a pong ball yet again, bouncing to the opposite extreme. And I'll resent her again.

I was fine all day, but also nervous. I wanted to look beautiful, I wanted her to see my tie dye shirt because I know she's getting into a hippie phase. I wanted to be validated, in short. I was worried about what she'd think here and there, there and here. Conscious of how she would perceive things at any time.

I think I was okay most of the day because I felt reassured that she would accept me. I liked what I was wearing, I liked my hair, my beauty, I liked what I was saying, my role with Isis.

She did sit by me at the dinner table. Which, for ten spots and I was the first one to sit down, it was odd that she should pick the one right next to me. And then we went to Olana, but we had to take two cars because the van can only old nine people and we made ten people. I thought I might leave early to go pick James up anyway, but he did one of those I'm-going-to-hang-out-with-you-tomorrow ......................
And then nothing. Because he's just not responding to my text messages all day. Love it.

:)

So, anyway, she decided to go in my car, her and her fiance. He said I was a fine driver, I warned them about my driving. I felt confident though. Because I've been working with these issues with my driving. And I know that next time someone tells me I'm a bad driver, I'll be able to keep my peace. I know that I can no longer expect anyone else to validate me, that I need to know what I know no matter what anyone tries to convince me. I drove carefully, I've never put anyone in danger in the first place, but I didn't take any - what they would call - risks. Because when people are not in the driver's seat, they need to trust you, they need to know that when you go fast around a corner, you are in control, you know what you're doing. They don't know what you're doing. So they panic. They feel that it's a dangerous situation. And that's natural.

But the idea is that you trust the person you're with, that you have faith in their ability. Naturally, they never have had faith in my abilities because Amelia was the first person to ever drive with me, she drove with me when I didn't know how to drive. And I'm not good with my hands and my reflexes the way I am with speaking and intellectual activities. In other words, Amelia had seen me very mature and wise and smart - in contrast to my helplessness when it came to driving. And it took me a long time to learn. And I think she never lost that. You know? I got better, but her confidence in me never grew. And to her, I'm still that helpless person. She's actually convinced that I'm incorrigible, that I can't learn how to drive. Which to me, is a ridiculous assumption, how can I be a hopeless driver? I think that the world is at your feet, that you can do anything you want to do. I know that I don't want to be an Olympic runner. That's why I'm not. But if I did truly want to be an Olympic runner, I could.

How she can presume that I'm a hopeless case is beyond me. But I think she wants me to be bad because she's good at driving and she wants to have a talent that I don't have. Because I have talents that she doesn't have. Of course, she's awesome at drawing - a talent I always wanted to have. We each have our fortes. But she feels that she's lacking, for not having my talents. And she has probably resented me or felt inferior to me because of that.

In any case, I think somehow, the more you try to convince someone of something, the more they are convinced of the opposite. Especially with me. I think people feel that I argue when I'm in the wrong. They almost assume right away that if I'm trying to convince them of something, that I'm really only trying to convince myself. Which could be true. Except, now, when I'm not even arguing or panicking, they still assume that it's the same situation. I come into their room and I say things in a calm voice, right. They ignore me or don't believe me or leave or whatever. I start getting really agitated and my temper flares. Things climax in a negative way and they complain that if I only came to them in a nice way and didn't start yelling at them or blaming them that they would listen.

It's happened so many times that I know, I seriously know, that I have come into the room in a very controlled, calm, mature, peaceful voice. And they've ignored me. Which makes me yell, irony of irony. And then they pretend like they have a good excuse not to listen, when they didn't intend to listen in the first place.

But that's a different story and frankly, an active volcano. I haven't quite resolved the issues that go along with that, although I've been trying.

In any case, I know that I have to believe what I believe. And that it's the most powerful method. Because not only does believing something to be true manifest it to be true, but honestly, people have confidence in those who have confidence in themselves.

I mean, you drive around panicking all the time or going "oops" every few minutes or reacting ditzy or anxious while you drive and people are not going to trust you. They're reading your signs and going, well, okay, if you say you don't know what you're doing, that must mean that you don't know what you're doing.

The problem is, I like to be balanced. I like to have confidence, but I like to be aware of in what area I'm lacking. I like to know what I'm good at, but I like to know what I'm bad at. And when I drive, I admit to my flaws. I believe that I'm a good driver, of course, but I talk about my driving while I'm driving. I love to talk about my speed and my turns and my decisions and the other drivers. I like to analyze aloud. I love having conversations about my analyzes.

I just have to break up that paragraph to say that I keep finding ninjas in my bed. :)

So anyway, the problem is that I don't feel that when I admit to where I'm lacking, that it means that I'm completely out of control. I feel that I can admit my flaws without saying that I'm a bad person. I feel that I can admit to making mistakes without saying that I'm not in control and that I don't have faith in my abilities.

But they don't know that. They feel that I'm telling them that I don't know what I'm doing. I kind of like to say the worst-case scenario. I like to say the exaggerated worst-case scenario. To test myself, to see if I can handle the worst-case. So that I won't be disappointed or bothered if there's any negative scenario. So I don't have to be afraid of any negative scenario. So sometimes I say things that are way more negative than the truth is.

And sometimes I say it to other people, partly because I have issues with my self-worth. It's like, I'm afraid that people will identify bad qualities about me. And I feel safer when I identify the qualities for them. So I like to say the worst-case scenario so that I've exaggerated so much that I cover any negative thing they could possibly identify, as well as make light of the situation. Because when you exaggerate, you show proportion. It's like measuring that what negative quality you really possess is nothing compared to this huge exaggerated quality that you've brought to their attention.

I was actually surprised that my brother was smart. Because he dropped out a long time ago and he has had a lot of trouble with school, with learning the information and such. So although I never really thought him dumb, I did think him ill-equipped in certain areas. I knew he was very good with mechanical things, computers and working with his hands. But in any case, I was kind of surprised that he was smart. But I also realized that he was smart in comparison to the fact that I originally was given the idea that he was a complete moron. I mean, he failed his grades so many times before he dropped out after like 8th grade. So in comparison to that, he was pretty smart. But in comparison to very intellectual people, he isn't very impressive. Not that he's dumb, obviously. But not impressive either.

It's kind of the same thing with exaggerated your negative qualities. You've given them something horrendous to think about, and you know that instead of comparing your negative qualities to their high expectations, you've given them something that will make you look good in comparison. It'll be a relief to have such a small negative quality.

So, for instance, when I'm driving somewhere with Amelia, I always tell her that I have absolutely no idea where I'm going. When, I do actually know at least half of the time where I'm going. But if I claim to know where I'm going and then she sees that I'm lost or I'm missing turns, I'll look worse than if I claim I don't know where I'm going, but I make a few right turns and accept help where needed.

But, because of her own assumptions on the situation, she takes my exaggerated form of things to be literal observations and pretends like they fuel her untrust in my abilities.

Yeah, I just made up that word, untrust. What other word could I use?

So this is all that's going on under the surface as I'm driving along with Stephanie and Jason. I told them exaggerated versions of what the others thought, which Jason thought was funny. Stephanie actually already thought I was a bad driver. Last year when she came I had my permit, I had never driven on the thruway before and she was the one to teach me for the first time. I was also driving a standard so there was more pressure. And she was putting down both Amelia and I, a lot, in the first place. So it's like Amelia wanting me to be a bad driver so that she can have her own special talent. Stephanie had her own reasons for believing me to be a bad driver.

The fact that I didn't know what I was doing, because it was the first time, was her justification for putting me down. Actually, after she convinced my mom to let her drive a few days later when I was driving on the thruway again in the van, she did terrible. You should have seen her in this one intersection. But the point it, she already thought me a bad driver. And she brought it up again today, she said, I remember the last time you drove, that was pretty bad. I don't remember it being as bad as when she drove, but I didn't say that. Because I know that I don't need her to believe that I'm a good driver. And I also know that she said it because she was willing to give me an opportunity to be a good driver. I had my permit last time we drove and I have been driving for a year since then, so, naturally, I'll be better than before. And I am.

I told them both that I stay in my lane, I don't speed, I don't make fast, jerky movements or jumpy decisions. Even when I drift out of my lane, I drift right back in, instead of jerk. So what's the problem?

Stephanie didn't have any complaints, but she didn't compliment me either. She just sat silent. Jason was in the front seat on the way there and she was in the front seat on the way back. I could interpret her silence to mean that she disapproved. Sometimes people do that. But if she is staying silent, it means that she doesn't want to conflict with me. And that's fine, because I don't want to conflict with her. And she's allowed to believe me to be a bad driver. And I need to know that I have the freedom to make decisions that I see fit. Because I do have confidence in my ability to drive. I know that it's not generally my forte, working with my hands and my reflexes. I'm not a mechanical person, I'm a mental person. Funny sentence.

I think that people will always have their issues independently of you. But you sometimes stimulate them, you offer yourself as a scapegoat. You know that they'll blame you for their issues. But I wasn't doing it to be nice. I was doing it because I had that mentality, that scapegoat mentality. That I was to blame. And so I not only stimulated their issues with other qualities but I then brought that energy on myself by my scapegoat mentality, and they then stimulated my issues. Which very often does bring resentment and blame on my part. Which can then be traced back to what kind of energy they're magnetizing. lol. Yes, it just keeps going back and forth.

I think, I loved Stephanie so, so, so much that any flaw she had destroyed me. At least, it threatened my love for her. I think I need to love her unconditionally. Fake boobs and all. I need to respect her unconditionally. I don't like the fake boobs, of course. But you don't focus on the negative. I think that's exactly what I said Amelia shouldn't be doing with me. She saw my inability to drive when I was incapable of driving - as many people are the first time they drive, and she put it in some tree sap. You know how tree sap uh, what's the word, fossilized? crystallizes? whatever it is. She keeps is stuck in the same context, the same moment, permanently.

The point of life is not to identify flaws like they're a permanent fixture. We allow that people grow and get better, that they heal and learn. Amelia needs to allow that I have learned and will continue to get better at driving. I need to understand that Stephanie's negative qualities or bad decisions (in my opinion), are, even so, not always going to be that way. I have to allow for the option that she will grow away from her negative qualities. Just as I have done many, many times. Healed and grown. And will continue to do so.

Why should I resent what I don't want anyone else to resent of me? And that's just it. I used to believe that I could be blamed for my negative qualities. And that's why I believed that others should be blamed for their negative qualities. But, see, Cameron is a lot like me. My nephew. And I have not enjoyed it. I didn't exactly like him. But I recognized that the reason I didn't like him is because he reminded me of myself, my own issues. And I think accepting him, talking about it today with Stephanie and my dad, I opened a door of forgiveness.

I didn't want to be around Cameron because he reminded me of these issues I don't want to be reminded of. But these issues I've already been working with for the past year or couple years and I'm making good progress, healing wounds that I'm tired of being a victim to. And being able to talk about it, to figure it all out, to understand Cameron and understand myself in the process, was acknowledging what I previously didn't want to be reminded of. And in doing so I realized that I no longer have to fear those issues. That I know that I've made a lot of progress, just even in the past couple of days - realizing that I have to surrender control with James. If I hadn't realized that a few days ago, this conversation today about Cameron might have been a lot different.

I don't have to fear the fear. The way they say you have nothing to fear but fear itself. I no longer have to fear the fear because I know that it doesn't have control of me. That I have more power independent of fear, and that I no longer have to be a victim to what I've been a victim to in the past.

So in doing that, I've learned that I can forgive Stephanie her flaws. But I had to make sure that I didn't swing to the other side of the pong pendulum. If you get my meaning. That I wouldn't put her back on the pedestal. That I can love her, but not adoringly the way I've done in the past.

I don't want to be like her. That's good. It's good that in her presence, I prefer to be me. Because you are who you choose to be and if you're not your own preference, well, that doesn't even make sense. That just means you're making the wrong choice.

I do have self-worth.