Sometimes you just don't see the other side of it. I think that I avoid thinking about this a lot, because it's a sensitive issue. Obviously. But it's not a sensitive issue in the way that I actually notice it. That's how sensitive it is, I've pushed it away from my mind so much that I can't even tell how much it hurts me.

So when I figure things out, I don't even allow it to carry on its course in other perspectives of my life, I don't apply it in the way that I probably do in other areas. For instance, I told myself that I was attracted to people who didn't want to connect because I didn't want to connect.

But I didn't want to connect because I expected to get hurt. So while the pattern may be people who don't want to connect with me, the real issue is that it will be people who initially wanted to connect with me but then leave me very suddenly. People want me until they have me and then abandon me. As I pointed out was another pattern.

Why? Because before I even began dating, this is what I expected of people. You magnetize what mindset you emit. You design the reality that you'll experience through your mindset. So the things you're most afraid of will happen.

I didn't even know. I think it's funny, how much I fooled myself. I didn't even admit that I was hurt that people kept leaving me. If anything, I seemed proud of it. I think because I was proud that I could pretend it didn't hurt me so much. I was proud of the wall I had put up to protect me.

But I overlooked the fact that while on the surface I wasn't expressing that pain, it was still destroying me under the surface, because that's what fear does, it destroys you.

I also feel that people won't love me. They won't respect me, they won't allow me to be. I feel that people do not believe in my worth.

But now there's chaos in my mind and I can't coherently finish that trail of thought.

Which could mean one of two things, either I'm getting it wrong, or I'm too afraid to deal with what it will logically bring me to. Or a little of both.

Let's move on. lol.

As I said before, there's a fine line between not caring and pretending I don't care.

I need to believe in my worth, believe in my love for myself more than any other person. I need it to be unconditional, so that no matter what I face, no matter what social experience I go through, I still have a strong belief in the power of my own love for myself. I still know that my worth is not conditional and that it's my right to decide what mistakes I've made, where I need to change, and how I'm still worthy despite my false choices.

Which brings up another fine line that I can't fully answer to. How worthy are you when you're deliberately making wrong decisions? My answer? Just kidding, it's not mine, it just came to me.... you are still worthy. Because otherwise you couldn't make those wrong decisions. In other words, you have a worth that comes from Being God, Being God is what gives you the creative force, the energy that manifests itself into creation. You would not be able to do that if you had no light, no God.

But, what happens to those who run out? They are no longer God? But then why do they still have the right to be here? Have they severed a connection completely, by making such wrong decisions that bring about the severed connection to God. But have they transformed themselves? Where does their Mighty IAM Presence go?


Okay. So I feared that if I turned away from God, if I looked (although this seems impossible, but figuratively so) away from God, that I would be without worth. And maybe that's why I've had to deal with mom so, so much. She gave me all of this rules, all of these "evil" things that I COULD NOT DO. And she scared me so much with ideas of fallen angels and dwellers and rather a Catholic attitude towards sin.

And yet. I began swearing. I wore black. I listened to rock music. I was purposely attracted to nearly everything she swore to me were the most evil things I could do. And honestly, her attitude was very strong about these very small things. So I purposely put myself in the crossfire. Put myself in a position to aggravate her judgment. And for a long time I heard her voice in my head. For a long time, even though I did these supposedly "wrong" things, I still heard her as my conscience. Because I feared that I would be in the wrong for doing these things. But I still had an attraction to them, a compulsion to do them. Not a rebellion, but a personal passion for doing exactly what she'd told me was evil, even though, while her voice was in my head, I presumably believed her.

So while I attracted her judgment, the truth was, it reflected my own judgment. Her voice inside my head didn't speak for her, per se. It spoke for my own belief - because I didn't just take her word for it, I believed her word. But I still defied it.

But I had to realize what worth was about. What defined worth? Are you worthy because you don't wear black?


The other day, I got in a fight with my siblings. And I had two choices, one was to be effectively stubborn and prideful and the other was to be mature and give in to prove that I didn't need to be stubborn and prideful in order to prove to anyone that I had the worth we were fighting over. I didn't need to try to convince them of my worth, and I didn't need to care if they knew it or not. In other words, if I had given in, they would have felt like they won, they would have felt justified in accusing me of doing what I was defending. The truth is, I still believe in my worth, despite their adamant protests that I don't have it. But I wanted them to believe it. And that's why I couldn't allow myself to let them come away from it thinking that they were justified. I had to fight them, I had to protest, and I most of all had to force them to go home on my worth. (driving)

In a conversation that I found particularly irrelevant in the first place, my mom decides to focus on the fact that I had the opportunity to make a mature decision and didn't. I'm not sure what she's trying to do, lay blame? She's not directly involved, but she wants to hold me responsible because, in general, she believes everybody to be a victim of my misuse of power.

In any case, I don't feel, outwardly, that I made the wrong decision. But she feels compelled to tell me that the decision I did not make was the most mature decision. However, although it was the most mature decision, the question is, am I to blame for making the wrong decision?

Here, I think under the surface I want to say yes. How could I have done that? How could I have defied God, defied the most mature decision.

But here's the thing, what was unhealthy about that situation is that I feared that I was not worthy. And that was a defiance against God because God is always worthy and I, as such, am worthy as well. It's an illusion to believe otherwise, it's an illusion to suggest otherwise.

So, if I'm to admit this, and then take it to its emotional conclusion which is blame and guilt, am I not then loathing myself for making such a decision and then am I further advancing the idea that my worth is limited and that as such, God's worth is limited? Am I further believing in an illusion, a manifestation of an anti-God idea by feeling bad that I did so in the first place? Yes.

In many situations where I feel I've done wrong, and I even feel that I'm justifying my wrong behavior through excuses... I tell myself, I tell that voice that accuses me of justifying wrong decisions, that the most important thing is to love myself. I can't be God out of fear and loathing and doubt and blame.

We think that if we make an anti-God decision or believe in an anti-God illusion, that the best thing to do is make a firm judgment, to firmly say This Is Wrong. But often, when we do this, we attach emotional significance to it. To admit that we're capable of wrong casts doubt in our minds. We're unsure of our potential. We fear not being worthy, of making anti-God decisions once again and lowering our worth.

I find that it's best not to focus on what you do. I think it's best to ask yourself at any point in time who you are. Are you inherently worthy and are you expressing your worth? Are you healthy? Do you love yourself? Because I believe that if you love yourself, if you love God and if you see yourself and God as one, that you will want to express him truly. That you will want your decisions to reflect a healthiness. In having these as your goals, you won't make anti-God decisions. Don't even address the fact that you have before. Don't even dwell on the fact that you have.

You probably feel the compulsion to do so because you want to be honest, you want to do the right thing and admit when you've done wrong. You don't want to pretend that you haven't made mistakes before. But don't look at it as you made a mistake or even made a decision. Look at it as you believed in something that was false, something that was anti-God, something that was an illusion. That was your mistake. And it doesn't matter that you made it. It doesn't reflect on who you are, you're not permanently scarred or have a reputation now. If, by believing in your illusion, you have accumulated karma, you must balance it. You must right the wrong. But the best way to do that is to believe in the very Truth that corresponds to your illusionary belief. ---


I feel it too. I feel the chaos of this persona we've taken on. I feel the doubt, the self-loathing, the fear, the guilt. I want to do what's right and I fear that I won't. I feel that if I'm to excuse any wrong decision I've done that I will be merely justifying bad actions.

I fear as I write this book. I'm so attached to everything I say. Because I fear that if I don't check and recheck and triple check and quadruple check to make sure that what I'm saying is not right or honest or truth or right or God, that I will be held accountable for it. That I'll be put on trial before a judge and jury and they'll make a decision about my worth.

I feel like all my words should make sense and that they should be truth.

Should they? Is that the expectation you have as you read a book? Probably. But some things I say may not make sense. It happens to everybody. On the surface level, everything you say is incomplete. Everything you say with words is incomplete. I try to be cautious and controlled, to be correct, to be perfect. But there is no perfection in something so incomplete. I know this. But controlling and being cautious can at least give me a safe guard. I can at least to the best of my abilities make this appear to be completely correct and logical. A saving face situation.

Do you doubt my voice if I admit to such doubt? If I admit that my words are always going to be imperfect and incomplete and therefore be, to an extent, untrue will you not trust my opinions?

But every single one of the wisest people have also done this with their words. I expect, because they were very wise, that they may have understood the truth. Which is that you have no choice but to speak in incompleteness, but you can believe and experience completeness on another level. We must use words to bring us through some of the tough, lower levels but you must understand that true expression surpasses your words.

I have to go in this knowing that every single thing I say may be false in the long run. It may be temporary. It is temporary, because it's incomplete, therefore, when taken out of context, when taken away from the moment spoken, to whom and by whom, to give it a fixed position, a permanent truth is to completely, positively believe in an illusion.

Everything I say applies to the moments I say it, to the mindset I have when I say it at any moment and to the mindset that I feel is my audience at any moment. And the only purpose is to expand, to grow, to find the limitness of God on an earth that we've created to be so systematic, structured, so limited. In human form with such limitations, such close-mindedness.

And all the truths I share are intended to push you out of the entrappments of that moment. That's what I intend to help you do. You cannot live by my truths, you cannot take them out of context. You cannot simply read their appearance. Because the focus is not on what they appear to say, it's about what they express, what they bring forth, what changes they make.

And jesus, this can be a temporary truth, for my mindset at this moment, and for your mindset at this moment, which may not be the same during the next moment. So it may not apply. That's how you need to approach my words. Know that they are not concrete. That they will not be concrete until a moment when they are concrete. In other words, I can tell you that they will never be concrete but that's a concrete statement. So the only true thing I can say is that you need to discern anew, each moment. You need to analyze your mindset, be aware of its limitations during the moments that you experience what is meant to help you grow. And now that what you experience may only be relevant in that it was intended to help you grow. It should not be taken out of context and made as a permanent fixture in your life.

It's like meeting someone who tells you something extraordinary. It changes your life, this new perception that they've inspired you to see. But you attach sentimental value to that person and so you want to love them, to have them as your friend or more than a friend. You don't want them to leave never to be seen by you again. They mean something to you now. A permenant fixture. That is what sentimentality does.

When really, they were only a messenger, only a shape or form that the message took on, morphed into, in order to reach you. They are that impermanent. That when the message has done its part, the shape it took on will evaporate. It is unnecessary for you to have that message a part of your life again, when you have already grown from it. We're not here to live lives of sentimentality. We're here to grow.



One of two things probably applies. Either what I say is meant to help expand the limitations of the current moment. And yes, sometimes it doesn't always do its job and thats why thousands of years later, some of the same truths still need to be retold *while some needed to be left behind a long time ago*.

Or, the second option, which is that what I express is not a teaching meant to expand the limitations but it derives from the limitations, in which case it reflects the flaws of that moment, that state of mind in that moment. However, in expressing those limitations, we can understand them and therefore learn from them. It's important to admit, to acknowledge the limitations. Don't defend them, because then you're denying their inherent unhealthiness. But see them. Become aware of them. And work through them.



We make life so much about finding permanent fixtures in our figurative homes, our lives are our figurative homes. No matter where we are we feel that our lives are our figurative homes. And in our lives we try to have things that reflect on us, awards, kids, family, husbands, wives, lovers, good lucks, achievements, talents, jobs, houses, personality. We most of all do this with other human beings as our permanent fixtures and with our own personalities. We want to find a person to be, just simply a person to be indefinitely. But personality is a facade, an illusion for who you really are. And being stuck on your personality (especially your flaws because you feel that even flaws make you who you are, make you, with all your quirks, an individual) ....

Ask yourself what finding permanent fixtures does for you? What does it reflect about you? What does it achieve? What's the goal that underlies your need for permanent fixtures?


What's the point of having a serious illusion?

\
'