Ugh, so Garland kept calling. It was really aggravating me. So I finally got on aim and told him not to call anymore. I just don't want to hang out with him. It's as simple as that. There's nothing particularly wrong with him. But you don't have to dislike someone to not like them. And it's funny because he said, while he was here, that he didn't know how to tell Josh that he didn't want to be his friend. He unknowingly doesn't know that I have the same problem with him. But then I think, great, I bet James has the same problem with me. Except James is masterful at ignoring people. And if I were in Garland's situation, I would have taken a hint by now. Maybe.

I told Garland to myspace message me if I wasn't on aim. I'm never going on aim again. I should go on aim though. I shouldn't run. Because if there's a lesson I should learn it's not that I have to be friends with people I don't want to be friends with. I thought that it was something along those lines, that's why I needed to go back on my old aim name. But it's not that. It's that I can't hide from people I don't like or people who want to be friends with me. I have to do what I did with Cory and Dan and Stephanie.. I have to be honest. I can't just dodge their phone calls.

I should be able to be on my aim name without that crap.

Spartikus117: Garland, I don't want to be friends with you.
GAR11002004: ok
Spartikus117: It's absolutely nothing personal in the sense that I find something wrong with you.
GAR11002004: really
Spartikus117: I just have no interest in being your friend.
GAR11002004: ok
Spartikus117: It doesn't stimulate what I need stimulated.
GAR11002004: i understand
Spartikus117: It's not that I never want to talk to you again.
Spartikus117: I just don't want to talk to you regularly.
GAR11002004: but just one question
Spartikus117: k.
GAR11002004: does it have anything to do with me being a stoner?
Spartikus117: No.
Spartikus117: I don't like stoners, but that's not why.
GAR11002004: oh
Spartikus117: You don't have to dislike someone to not like them.
Spartikus117: I have neutral feelings for you. I neither dislike you nor like you.
GAR11002004: oh no i uderstand what yiour saying
GAR11002004: theres some people who just generally irritate me but i dont dislike because i know their general intentions arent bad
Spartikus117: Ha.
Spartikus117: You don't irritate me though. It only irritates me when people invade my space and I don't want to tell them to go away.
GAR11002004: oh
Spartikus117: But now I have...
Spartikus117: I'm gonna go now.
GAR11002004: ok
Spartikus117: Thank you for understanding.
Spartikus117: Bye.


Good.

So, I've done that whole, talk about how you feel about what happened but not about what happened. Hate it when other people do that. I went to Andy's party on Saturday. Surprisingly, none of his friends from school came. There were a lot of other parties, it seems. Evah was there when I came, she said HI MELISSA. And I said hi, even though her and I are not friends. And Sara also said hi, but she's okay. We never talked during school but we did talk a little on myspace so she's allowed. She worked at Starbuck's when I applied there.

I had the weirdest dream about Starbucks. They were going to give me the job but I had to do this race of some sort. I was totally in shape for it though. They also had a hair stylist do my hair, for some reason.

Anyway, Josh was there. Ugh. He is such a sexist jerk. James took forever to get there and when he did he brought his brother Justin. Who was surprisingly talking to me quite a bit. He was like, "you're smart, you know things, what's that blah blah".. He wanted to know about the toilets going the opposite way in Australia or something? I'm not quite sure what he wanted to know about them. But then later he also asked where I have been the past couple of years. To which I replied, maybe if you didn't call me Satan, you'd know. He was dating Kayla, who hated me for dating Mike and taking up all his attention from her. So when Mike and I broke up and he told his friends to call me Satan, Kayla was all too willing and Justin did it too.

What I meant was, I would be on his myspace if he hadn't taken me off because of Kayla. He's cool though. But he probably thinks I hate him, which wasn't my intention. Him and Josh asked me for a hug. People like to hug around here.. I don't like to give hugs to people I don't like to give hugs to. So I said no. And Josh said that I was actually being nice today. So I said something to the effect of "oops, let me fix that." and I walked away.

I secretly think that Andrew's gf is evil. She's alright, sometimes evil people are alright. They don't always have to be an asshole. She's very tiny. Like a fourth grader in height and size. It was so weird, I accidentally poked Andrew in the eye with a mosquito repellent wipe... and he was bitching and moaning about it cause it was stinging... and I was laughing, because it was funny. And she was just sitting there staring into the fire, expressionless. She didn't even look at him, or ask if he was okay. Like she didn't even care.

I like Andrew. And personally, I have no idea why he's dating her. She's kind of cold. But I don't really hate her, for the record, cause it kind of sounds like I do. I just find her odd. And evil. :p

But her and I talked a little bit because she didn't know anyone there either. She goes to Catskill. I asked her if she knew Mike and she said yes, he used to be cool but not anymore. Kind of funny, because all of his C-A friends say that he used to be cool but then he ditched them for his Catskill friends and now he's not. And she's saying that he used to be cool but now he's ditched his Catskill friends for other Catskill friends? I'm not sure. She didn't want to say too much because she thought that I was friends with him or something. Like I told her he was my ex, but I didn't offer any, yeah, he's such a schmuck. So, she didn't really fully explain why she didn't like him. I wanted to know if he was graduating though. And he isn't. Nice.

He's already failed once before. Sucks to be him.

I did talk to, I think it was one of Andrew's cousins. He was probably in his early 20's. I probably wouldn't have talked to him at all except Andrew's mom asked me about my hair, cause last time she saw me it was black. And that kind of warmed me up, and his cousin was right there. Nobody talked to me, and I didn't talk to anybody else. And later on, when Justin and James came, so I was warmed up again, I took pictures of like ten little girls, Andrew's relatives I guess, and they ran and then came back and asked about my camera and I was telling James that they didn't talk to me, but they talked to Andrew's gf... and anyway, the point of my little story is that one of the girls said, "because you were quiet." and it was simple, but true. I didn't really have an inviting aura, I guess you could say.

His cousins and friends from Poughkeepsie were standing around saying goodbye and they all gave like Andrew and his gf hugs or handshakes and whatnot... and not one of them said bye to me. Which is fine, because none of them had said hi to me and I didn't say hi or bye to them. But I felt so invisible. I had been standing there in the group for like 20 minutes and none of them acknowledged me.

I did look kind of.. high maintenance. My long blonde hair makes me look like a rich, preppy blonde and I was wearing my snow boots which only add to the outfit. I try to look casual, but I don't actually like looking casual. It makes me feel blah. But if I was blah, I may have been more approachable. I dunno.

I did talk to his cousin, as I said. We sat down and chatted a bit. He asked me what I was going to college for and I said Psychology, and he said, so you can analyze people now, and I said I could analyze people before. And he asked how I got into it, etc. But I think he had that sense of psychologists that they're snobbish and superior because they can "figure people out." So he asked me if I was analyzing people there or him and I said that I only analyzed people when it served a purpose. What I really should have said is that I don't analyze people's personalities, I analyze their unhealthy problems to find a solution. It's not about figuring people out, it's not about categorizing them or knowing what makes them tick.

I just simply like to understand the psyche, understand how it influences a person. The entire field of psychology is only working on the surface level. Because they can't be considered a science if they acknowledge that the psyche may have some metaphysical influence, some spiritual influence even. I don't consider the psyche a product of this life, or of the environment, or of biology. I consider it a product of will, and I also consider a product of the will that has been collected throughout lifetimes. In other words, you are what you've chosen to be throughout lifetimes. You'd never catch a psychologist saying that. But if it's true, consider for a moment that it might be... imagine how much they'd be lacking.

So his cousin, I think his name was Camille or something, was talking about what he knew of his psychology classes, and how he had done profiling in the military. He talked about mind games, like when you try to get a specific reaction out of someone so you manipulate the conversation so that they'll say what you want them to say. I had never heard of it, though he said I probably would in some of my future psyche classes. I think he said it was in order to get them into positive thinking.

But I told him simply that I felt they were mind games and to me psychology is not about manipulating the psyche into being healthier. I think that the psyche is controlled by the person, it's controlled by their Will. And they need to understand that so that they know that no one more superior than them is making the decisions. It's not me, it's not the environment, it's not the genes and it's not even the subconscious. It's them. They need to be their own independent psychologists. I'm not the superior one who gets to tell people what's in their heads. That's not the role I want.

That's why, as a "rogue psychologist" lol... as an untrained psychologist, I begin helping people by helping myself. I begin understanding others by understanding myself. I first work through my hicks, my flaws, my issues, before I try to help others.

And to be honest, I can't even really offer anything to most people around me, because they're looking for superficial answers and I don't have those. Psychology is intensely deeper than what even those in the field think. Obviously, since psychology, to me, is a philosophical, spiritual avenue. That's why I'm writing my book. Because I don't have to speak to those who happen to live in the same town as I do. I can speak to those anywhere at anytime, who are on the same level as me. I can reach people I wouldn't meet and connect with them through my book.

It was actually kind of amusing though, when we were in that circle, Andrew's gf kept trying to brag to Camille about her xbox scores, and he wasn't really paying attention. He wouldn't really look at her or listen. I thought it was a bit amusing....

So anyway, they left.. And then Andrew went home to get something so I played volleyball with this girl who had a lot of personality and energy and she warmed you up. And one of Andrew's other cousins, who I seem to have met before with Andrew though I don't recall where and I'm not sure she remembered me. And Andrew's little brother was on our team too. Josh and the girl with personality was on the other team. Yeah, I suck at volleyball, I tried telling them. Not just because my aim sucks, but because I don't often try to hit the ball when it's coming my way. I just let it pass me... Josh was being an ass and me and Andrew's brother were like play fighting. And then he wore my knee high boots for like an hour lol... what can one say about that?

But it was fun. Then we played BS with a bunch of people... some 14 yr old girls, one of them was a little crazy... But it was again, fun. Then James came and I took my boots back so I could look smokin. Just kidding. Well, not really. And I went to my car, I can't remember what for, and James ran over to me and smiled like he hadn't just been ignoring me for 9 months. Haha.

But I feel we have a lot of chemistry immediately. He doesn't always feel it, apparently. But I'm sure Garland felt that him and I had chemistry, sometimes it's only one way. But we hung out together for the rest of the night. We had to go get my tent though, but Josh and Justin came. Josh was a jerk, again. I went to the bathroom when I got to my house and when I came out my skirt was tucked into my girl boxers. So you could see my ass. It was funny, but Amelia saw it before I went outside. It would have been embarrassingly amusing. But I really would not have appreciated that. His headlights were turned towards my shed and I would have gone to close it and the three of them would have seen all my cellulite. Ugh. :p

Justin stayed home, because he didn't want to stay with Josh. And I guess Josh realized he didn't have anyone to hang out with, everybody had left, cause they didn't want to camp. So he left. So James and I went skinny dipping in the lake. :) Aside from being molested by seaweed, it was fun. We didn't really see that much of each other. We had these rafty things so we could float around. It was awesome. It would have sucked without them cause I suck at swimming. But we didn't really go that far out. The water was really nice, not cold, not hot. By the time we got out Andrew and his gf had gone to their tent. I forgot to bring the poles to my tent so we had to use the one James brought, which was a junior tent, for little kids. So it was like four feet long and as wide as a single bed.

So we hung out by the fire, played war. I knew that nothing would happen between us unless we had alcohol so I compromised my values. I bet him that if he lost the game of war that he would have to drink a couple Mike's Hard. He seemed to think it would help the situation too. Cause we were enjoying each other but it's like we will not touch at all. Like we just don't cross that boundary. Not even for a hug. So I almost won but he had like ten cards left, from two decks, and then he won like four of the aces from a war and we knew the game would go on forever. So he just gave up and drank the Mike's Hard anyway. They were actually his second and his third cause he had one before we went skinny dipping. They're like 5 proof so they don't really help the situation much. Personally I don't think they help at all, but they kind of do as an excuse. Hard to explain.

He also drank some whiskey but he didn't like it and I told him not to do it anymore. He watered it down with A LOT of coke and even some sprite but nothing helped. And his personality didn't really change. But we played Go Fish. I had fun. I did drink one Mike's Hard but I don't like alcohol. Like my eyes wig out and my head feels intoxicated, der, and I really don't find it a comforting feeling. It does not give me confidence and it does not make me want to have sex. So we went to the junior tent. And we got in there and I was like, the only way this is going to work is if we spoon. So we did. :D

Finally. We've already slept in my single bed like five times, and we've never cuddled. Although we did cuddle a couple times in his bed like three years ago. He is so unbelievably shy. Like some guys are afraid, but they care more about sex than their shyness. He doesn't. He cares more about shyness than sex. He would go celibate. And I would too, lol. So it's a bad combo. Though I'm not sure what's supposed to happen between us. I went over this last year. Is there a reason we should cuddle? Just because we're sexually attracted to each other? For some reason, I want to say yes. And right now, I feel like I want to bridge that gap with James.

Like, the only girl he's close to is Liz, because he's had sex with her and he dated her. He really hasn't paid much attention to any other girl. And I feel like it's because of his shyness and if I bridge that gap, he'll be more comfortable around me. And I know I could be completely nonsensical right now... but I feel like he just needs to do it, like he just needs to try the things that he's afraid of, face his fears, and see that it's not so bad. And he happens to be one of the only people I'm attracted to since Mike. At least one of the only people I hang out with that I'm attracted to. So, yeah, I'm attracted to him.

We did almost have sex. In the sense that, we both agreed to have sex with each other. But we were too shy. So we didn't. That was right after Mike and I broke up and Joe bet me I would have nobody to have sex with now, which was ridiculous, so I asked James to fulfill my bet.

It's not really my place to make that decision, to get him to have sex with me so that he'll see.. that he can be comfortable with other girls besides Liz. People go back to their exes a lot because it's easy, because they've already crossed that line, it's safe. But it's his choice.

However, if I made a move and he reciprocated... then he is making that choice. It's just, I can't tell how he feels. Cause as far as I can read, he wouldn't want me to make a move. But, is it that he doesn't want ME to make the move? Or is it that HE, himself, doesn't want to make a move. I can't tell. I don't think he would complain.. about having sex. He's a guy. I'm the one who should be complaining at the prospect of a one-night stand.

Anyway, Andrew kept hinting, at the party, that James and I would have sex. And his mom kept saying, why don't you guys just sleep in Andrew's tent. And the first time she said unless you guys have other agendas, as in sex. But nobody answered. And then later when she said it again I said, but maybe we have other agendas. Which was not true, but I wanted to sleep in the junior tent all cuddled up with James.

So we did. It was nice spooning with him. His body feels a lot different than Kristen or John, the last two people I spooned with. But it was nice. It was yummy. I didn't really want to sleep, but I also didn't feel like kissing him because I felt that he wanted to sleep. So he went to sleep and then I fell asleep for like five minutes, I don't know how long, but he woke me up because it was hot so we threw the blankets off and then he went to blow his nose and I went pee and then we moved the tent because we were on a slope. And then there were so many distractions, there were bugs in the tent cause we left the flap open and we talked a little. We kept cuddling though and that was really nice, although I couldn't cuddle facing him, like the way he was laying didn't allow it, so I had to spoon.

And then there was this damn rooster. So annoying. And I started laughing. James always makes me laugh WAY TOO MUCH. Like laughing gas. He definitely emits laughing gas. And I couldn't stop. It was embarrassing. Everything made me laugh.. and because I was trying not to laugh, the silence and the random rooster would make me laugh more. But then I finally asked him if he was tired and he said Very, so I felt bad and let him go to sleep, tried my best to stop the laughing. I played with the cat, cause it was pawing at the tent, trying to eat my finger and then finally went to sleep. It must have been 5 by the time we got to sleep and then we woke up at like ten, because of the sun, the heat was insufferable. And then we essentially just went home.

Andrew, his girlfriend and us were the only ones who ended up staying with our tents. But it was okay, I had fun hanging out with James. We kind of should have taken our chance and made out when it worked for us. I hung out with him yesterday but watching a movie, sitting up and on different sides of the bed doesn't really give a comfortable opportunity to make out. C'est la vie. We also played with Isis a lot and went kayaking - me, James and Isis. It was fun.

When we were putting the kayak on the van Amelia was talking on the phone at the same time and I was being silly, in that way that I act even though it's not really like me. And Amelia was being short with me. And when she told me to shut up at one point in a not angry way but like a fake angry in response to my fake silliness (so hard to explain)... in any case, when she told me to shut up it made James laugh. And it was a big smile. I've never seen his smile so big. And he also smiled when she said, I assume James is stronger than you so he can lift the kayak up in the back.

It kind of made me think, perhaps my silly, bratty, spoiled persona is just annoying to James. Hmm... And perhaps Amelia is more his type. Not that I'm worried. I'm just curious as to what James really likes. Although when we went to the library he looked at me like he didn't want me to leave him in the van alone with Amelia and Isis so I asked him if he was going to come in with me and he made a relieved sound. It was cute though, Isis looked adorable with her hat and her life vest. And it was cute when James would carry her around.

Isis will be going to her dad's for two weeks while Amelia is away at Fort Drum and then we have Isis for two weeks but Stephanie and my nephews will be here. So I told James if he didn't come see Isis now he would have to wait a month.

So speaking of sex. I devised an awesome scheme to get me to that point without having to make too big of a move.. lol. I'm silly, but these are the things I think about. And then. Well, first you gotta know that James is a little like Loren. It's kind of funny actually because my other brother Tristan is like Justin M (not James's brother) and Christine. Like they have a certain quality. And when I met Justin I told him he was like my brother and then when I hung out with my brother a year later I told him he reminded me of Justin. And then Christine reminded me of him in her journal and then when he came to Amelia's wedding he reminded me of her.

Yes, you wanted to know all that. It's kind of the same thing with Loren. Who reminded me of James when he came, but now that I'm with James he reminds me of Loren. I mean, they have different personalities. But they have this particular easy-going, recessive quality that's similar. I laugh with Loren sometimes in the same way I laugh with James. So I kept telling James about that at the party, I even said he's skinny and malnourished like my brother. But I told him that I'm sexually attracted to James and not my brother, so I try not to compare them at times like when I'm cuddling with James.

Which brings me to my dream. I think it started out being James but then it was Loren. Ew. Like, I remember feeling like I had chemistry with the guy and we were going to have sex and he grinded me against the wall and by that point it was Loren. And before we had sex I was like wait a minute, I don't really think it's a good idea to have sex with my brother. And I was trying to remember what it was like at the beginning to not care that he was my brother. Like why did I feel it was okay to have that sexual attraction to him at the beginning? But I think it wasn't him at the beginning it was James. THEY'RE INTERCHANGEABLE. ugh. So yeah, that was a creepy dream.

Why I have sex with siblings in dreams, I couldn't say. Not that it happens all the time. Just a couple times, even once with my mom. I don't know what it symbolizes, though. It definitely can not be taken as surface value. I don't want to have sex with any of them. I do, however, want to have sex with James. :) But I don't know when he's going to stop talking to me. Like I want to give him what he wants. I want to reach him, connect with him, get past that shyness. But he's shy and he won't tell me what he wants and I would say that he doesn't want to connect with me but it's not even that, he doesn't want to connect with anybody but Liz. But they're off an on, mostly off except when they're having sex, but still not dating. I don't even know all of what goes on between them. Just that, it's not what I would hope for James, for the rest of his life. Not that it's my choice, of course.

But I do want to spoon with him again... And I wonder how it felt for him. Like I compared him to the other people, he would compare me to Liz.. He doesn't express a lot that he likes, only stuff that he doesn't like. Except, he expresses to me what he doesn't like about other people. But he's too shy, like I was, to make that sort of uncomfortable situation where you tell someone you don't like them. So he won't express to me what he doesn't like about me. Therefore, I don't have a lot to go on. I just have to wait until he ignores me for good, and then I definitely know he doesn't like me. Sad, but true.

Anyway, I taught James how to play Spite and Malice. He likes it. I'm glad. We only played once and he won, beginner's luck, of course. :p but when he left, he said, keep this game in mind for next time. It's just funny because I used to play Spite and Malice with Loren. Until we got in the fight and now I don't talk to Loren at all. I haven't said one word to him since that day. Neither has he. Which is good. I was playing Spite and Malice online with people anyway, so I didn't need Loren to play with.

Ahah. I want to play with Isis now, so I'm going to go make Amelia wake her up from her nap.