I have been thinking about Mike a lot lately. But I do that when I'm interested in new people. I want to tell them about Mike. Maybe its that urge to reach closure on my baggage before I get with someone. Like not closure for myself but closure in the sense that I want them to know what happened and why it happened.

Which is stupid. And I don't even know if that's the reason.

In any case, this time it's about James. Cause now that I've opened up that emotional portal and I've also decided to have sex with him, I'm really insecure. Insecure that it won't happen. Because every single close call I've had to hooking up with someone, having sex, getting into a romantic relationship... has been just that, a close call.

I feel like it's so close. Maybe not a relationship, but at least sex. And yet, so far because I know that this "so close" feeling means nothing.

So why would this make me think of Mike? Well part of it is that I brought up sex with James, in order to explain why it went so wrong between Mike and I. And whenever I tell a story to someone in real life, I walk away telling the story over and over again in my head, recalling all the details. Telling myself all the things that I hadn't thought to say to them when I had the chance but wish I did.

And Mike had in his survey that he'd slept with a lot of girls and it bothers me. Not possessiveness, I wouldn't even say jealousy of him. More like, jealousy that he's had that opportunity to have sex with so many other people. And I've had nothing but his crappy sex for my memories. Mad at him for being so show offey about his sex, when he sucked so much for what sex he had with me. Like I want it to be acknowledged that he sucks, but I feel like he doesn't acknowledge it and now it'll be washed away by all the other girls.

And that's partly why I keep going over it in my head, acknowledging why it went wrong. Wishing I had explained it all to James when I had the chance.

But I think it's also that Mike was the only guy who accepted me in that way, for so long. And so when I think of these close calls, and realize that they're probably going to be close calls again, it kind of makes me nostalgic for the relationship I had with Mike. So now, I'm listening to songs and they all remind me of what it was like after the break up. And how I was attached for him for so long after. Not because of him, cause surely he's an idiot and I don't need HIM. But I need what he gave me, which nobody else has given me.

Perhaps I've focused on him within the past couple of years, perhaps I couldn't even think of dating anyone else after we broke up because I felt that he was the only one who would or could accept me. And I wanted THAT back more than anything. Willing even to put up with his bullshit, and especially ignore it in my fantasies.

I mean, I've had a dream about him like once or twice a month since we broke up. I never knew exactly what it symbolized but I think it symbolizes this acceptance issue. This reason I'm magnetizing people who won't accept me instead of people who will. Because of the way I feel about myself.

These self-worth issues that I really, seriously need to be purged of. I don't need Mike. He doesn't even accept me anymore, so what the hell could he give me? He wasn't my only chance at being accepted. He wasn't my only chance at being close to someone.

My mom told me that she was afraid I'd be alone forever and that I'd never get married. She thinks I have no compassion and it's impossible for me to get along with people.

Maybe she needed to say that so I could say, hey, wait a minute, that's NOT TRUE. That's ridiculous. But maybe underneath it all, I was afraid of the same things. Afraid that I would be alone. It's so easily happened thus far.

I have to start believing that I deserve people who can accept me, instead of use me as the scape goat I've volunteered myself as. I don't need people to resent me or hate me.

I've been worrying like hell all day about James. Just obsessing. It's not been pretty. I shouldn't have to do this. Even if James doesn't work out, why am I so worried I won't find anyone else? I'm beautiful, smart, charming. I know this, and a lot of other people recognize it as well.

It's like I believe that I have some revolting quality that repels them. But the only quality I have that repels them is the fact that I believe I have a quality that repels them. You magnetize what you believe. It's not that I'm MAKING other people leave me or dislike me. I mean, clearly, John has his own issues. But why am I forced to have people like John as my boyfriend choice and no one sane? Because I'm magnetizing people like John, people who illustrate what I'm already sending out to the universe.

I need to send out more positive messages. And people like John will find someone else to take out their insanity on.