This is killing me, facing my demons, so to speak. Such anxiety. And the thing is, it's not about putting yourself on the line and seeing that there are people you can trust. No, no. It's about putting yourself on the line and seeing that when someone doesn't give you your way, you'll survive.

It's hard knowing someone and not being able to control them. I always try to control my situations, and part of the reason I haven't spent a lot of time with people is that after Mike, the person I wanted to control most of all, I just didn't have any motivation to care enough to control anyone else. So when I was around them, I'd just retreat into the space in my head. And I did that more and more, and then I dropped out. I still talked to people, but I didn't feel them. There was always a distance between me and them.

It's like, when you have a best friend and your lives are interwoven, you know that what they do will affect your life. You're connected in that way. I knew that none of these people could affect my life. That they were peripheral friends. And aside from Amelia, I didn't have anyone there who I could trust. I was still affected by people, but mostly people I didn't like. And that was hard, of course. Because it was always bad.

This stuff with James is so out of my control. And I go through all these options in my head - should I never speak to him again? should I ignore him? should I be angry or resentful towards him? should I play it sad and pouty? should I punish him? should I pretend I don't care? should I express that I do care?

But in all of these options, I'm trying to make the most decisive decision. I'm trying to choose the one with the most power, that will tip the scale in my favor, so that I'm in control again. And I know that it's just not going to be that way.

But I also have to learn that it's not a control or be controlled situation. I can't control the situation with him. He will and should do what he needs to do. I need to know that whatever decision HE makes, I'll be okay. In other words, I need to be in control but not of him, not of the external circumstances. I need to be in control of the internal circumstances. So that I'm not laying my heart in his hands, nor am I trying to make him conform to my wishes.

I need to get to the point where no matter what decision he makes, I still have inner peace.

It's just, I always think, well, I can do this, I can make changes. But to me, they feel like changes I should make while being friends with him. In other words, I can change my attitude while he's in my life... but I still expect him to be in my life. And when he's not, it brings turmoil all over again.

My goal seems to be to make this work between us. Not to make things work independently of James. And that's what makes it all the harder. Is that the greater purpose of James is to help me overcome my demons. Not to have a happy little life. Which most likely means I won't have a happy little life with him. And that's exactly what I want. That's exactly what I'm aiming for.

At least I'm aiming for some stability. I haven't aimed so much for romance as I have for friendship, for stability. But stability is dependent upon his choices. And that's exactly what I can't be dependent upon.