And now I'm just scared.

I wanted to go to the street festival with James. I've missed the past three years because I've had nobody to go with. I tried asking Tonya the year before last. Last year Amelia was at Fort Drum and this year she is again. She might have been at Fort Drum even the year before that when she was pregnant. And the year before that I went with Mike.

But that's not really the point. I can get over the street festival. I really only wanted to go for the social aspect, cause I don't see many people from school so this local festival is a good opportunity.

In any case, he's going to the beach or something. So I have nobody to go with. And again, that's not the point. It just filled me with a lot of fear. General fear for James, but now I realize that it was stimulated by the fact that my hopes were let down.

And in a bigger sense, maybe I'm afraid to get close to people because I'm afraid to put my all into connecting with them and then be disappointed. And of course, life has given me nothing to prove this wrong, on purpose. All my relationships have been short and disappointing except with Mike. Who I trusted unconditionally for some unknown reason. I'm not sure what caused Mike to happen, why I deserved him.

But even after that was over, I got ridiculed and hated by him and his friends. That isn't something I can really look forward to next time around, although it's not like I'll be in high school.

But it doesn't seem rational, to put my all into it. I should be able to love unconditionally. That's why babies are nice because you know that while they won't give you very much back personally, it's because they can't, so you know that they're not choosing to avoid you or dislike you, just as they're neither choosing to like you or want to be around you.

As long as you make them happy, give unconditionally, love unconditionally, they're happy too. :p

And James is the ultimate test. Because of all people he's most unreliable, even more so than with John, who's just a hypocritical contradicting liar. ... no, he hasn't really done anything wrong lately.

I guess I fear my own expectations. Of him, that may not be met. Of him appreciating me for who I am, respecting me, caring about me. Of him not doing what my family has done my entire life - rejected me. Rejected my choice to be who I am.

I could never love my mom. You just could not believe how cold my heart is. It's not that I dislike her. I just expect that she'll judge and criticize everything I do. Because she has that self-righteousness and thinks everything I do that's wrong is evil and therefore justified in being changed to fit her self-righteous wants.

She says she loves me, but she dislikes EVERYTHING I do. And she says she loves me, but she doesn't respect my expressions of myself. Expressions that I have the free will to choose. Expressions that serve to heal and help me grow. No matter how out of the way they are in her perspective, they're expressions that I believe in and that I'm making the right decision in expressing. And she won't let me be.

I think. I can't think at the moment it's late, I'm tired.