So, I was writing this huge 20 pg entry about the other day with James and the boys, but then near the end I realized that it was probably too personal to post publicly. Most of it wasn't, but the part where I realized it was personal was personal. So I decided to make it a draft. And as soon as I decided that, though I kept writing cause I had more to say, my writing style changed.

Kind of interesting. That's what I don't like about writing with the intention to make a draft. I say things differently. But I think I also have more structure out of fear and pride when I write to an audience. Like I have to say things that stimulate an image of me that I want to keep and I also have to keep the balance of humility, and over-humility because I have this habit of feeling that everybody finds me worthless so I feel that I always have to have a balance of good and bad when speaking of myself, always have to check myself, because if I'm too proud or too happy or too confident or I express that someone likes me, I feel like I'm subject to error. So I always say things in a very detached way. Like I never express positive things about myself without detaching them to some extent and contrasting them with negative things.

I also say things in a ... story. Like I have a purpose, some idea that I begin the entry trying to portray. But I tell a whole bunch of details on the way. And I keep going with a thesis in mind. A thesis for each paragraph. Always trying to say things in an efficient and philosophical way. Not formal, per se. It's informal. But it has the purpose prose. As I'm doing now with this paragraph and the one before it and the one before it. Like I need a point to the story I tell.

But as soon as I made a draft, I stopped that point and I just told the emotional details as they were, with no point. It felt weird.

I just thought it was interesting because I was writing for like two hours straight with an audience in mind, and then as soon as the audience disappeared it was a very noticeable change. Though I do prefer the audience way better... even if it's slightly unhealthy. I think I make things more entertaining with an audience. I feel like things are all mushy and I have nothing good to say when I'm writing to myself. What's the point anyway? I already know everything? I have to write with explanations. I think that's what the purpose of the paragraphs are. To tell people a story, to explain something, to explain my analysis, my relevance of the situation.

Even if I say something completely random, I pretty much then say "I just thought it was interesting." like I have for this entry. I like to have more of an intellectual spin on it, rather than an emotional outlet or preference.